Monday, October 26, 2015


For my treasures, Daniela & Jordan

How my mother-wings long to stretch out over & around them!
Protecting, insulating, harboring...
I long to be a barrier between them & life.
Perhaps because there has been so much in the last year that I have been unable to control,
that now I feel an overwhelming desire to overprotect them -
from pain, sadness, from all that goes wrong, from defeat, rejection & shaken theology.
It is not right that they experience any more pain!
Any hint of potential hurt feels almost unbearable to me.
I feel so helpless before their vulnerability, so inadequate to shield them!

I never have been the hovering type -
but that was before tragedy touched us.
That was before our hearts were broken,
before our lives were changed forever.
Now I want the future to look differently,
And their safety has taken on an inordinate priority!
I have never been as conscious of their emotional safety in all my years as a mother.

Herein lies my struggle - the struggle  of all mothers, really -
I cannot keep them safe from everything.
Mother-wings are not enough.
Oh what a defeating thought for the mother bear inside me!

There is only one thing to do...
the thing that is always right to do...
surrender them to the One with Father-wings,
to the One who is Omni-Everything to them in all places & at all times - I cannot be that.

Help my heart at this altar place, Lord.
Help me in this surrender of my babies!
Help me to surrender the safety of their heart, their emotions, their well-being, their relationship with You, their self-confidence...
Help me in this stubborn wrestling to see them be insulated from what feels like a very big, bad world right now.
And please help me lay down my parental weapons and any illusions of control.

They really are safest in your Omni hands.
My Mother-wings are good for certain times & places -
Your Father-wings are good at all times and in all places!
Their safety is, in reality, only ever in Your control, in Your hands...
in the Shadow-Sanctuary of Your very Almighty wings.


  1. Oh Pam, I just love reading your thoughts. Did you know that I pray for you every single day? The Lord has laid you and your family on my heart, and sometimes I pray for you several times a day. You are such a gifted writer. I think you should seriously think about writing a book. I believe you could bless sooo many people who are bleeding emotionally. I really do. Pray about it! :)

  2. Debbie, you are so kind; thank you. I am always so surprised that out of my pain other people can experience blessing!

    1. I couldn't agree more with Debbie!
      You've blessed me again with your words...
      beyond your imagination..
      Thanks for beeing so transparent..
      for revealing your vulnerable places...
      Love you!

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  4. Worked for six hours today on the book I am writing about my life with Sue, finally finishing the chapter which includes the Twila Paris song, God is In Control. As I wrestled with God's sovereignty and Sue's illness, I found comfort from the stories of Joseph and Esther. Now, as I contemplate leaving my kids in America without me or Sue next year, I have had to wrestle with the more difficult matter of trusting my kids to Jesus... without my presence. Somehow, I'm less confident in His Father wings when I am out of the picture... and my kids, like yours, are eagles, not turkeys... Sigh. So much to learn by heart and my hands and my feet that my head has 'known' for so long. Again I am in debt to you... Thank you sister.

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  7. Pam,

    I have been meaning to stop by to say that I am still thinking of you all and keeping you in my prayers. How my heart aches for you, yet I know that the Father is so gracious and faithful in all that He does. Please know that I am still with you and that your cause is always being championed by the Victor!

    Erin Silvius

  8. How nice to hear from you again! Thank you so much for ALL your love & means the world.

  9. Pam,

    Our hearts still ache for you and the Lord still brings you to mind (even without your posts). I hear the healing in your writing and it brings hope to see you writing again. Thank you for this window into your journey. May God give you all grace upon grace.