Sunday, January 24, 2016


People think I should be in a different place -
be doing more things,
engaging & reacting,
committing & applying,
running & attending,
producing & processing...
everything in a way they imagine to be normal or right.
Maybe it´s how they think they would fare
if they were in my shoes.
How they would do it better, faster.

¨Just give me my grief!¨
I want to yell at them.
You can´t take it from me, or rush my process.
You can´t change my pain or do it for me or
impose your ways on my process.
Only I can do it.
I must walk this road alone,
in my own way.

It´s not that I want to be here.
It´s that I must be here.
And it does not mean I don´t need you.
I do need you -
loving, cheering, encouraging.
Not preaching or rescuing or pushing.

Just hold my hand.
Just be quiet.
Just be there.
Just love me in spite of this sadness,
this loneliness, tiredness, confusion, depression, fear.

I know I am hard to love right now.
I am sorry!
Please forgive me.
Please believe in me when I cannot believe in myself.
Please believe in who I will yet be,
in who I am becoming
on this road.

And please, help protect me from all the ¨shoulds¨ -
both my own & those imposed by others.

Photo by:  Connie Smith


  1. Pam, I just forwarded this to several of my grieving friends from our transplant community, and to our family. It expresses so well what we all are experiencing. Your gift of expression has been such a help to me, putting the journey into words. Thank you.

    1. Debbie, I am so thankful for your feedback and my heart breaks thinking of your own long journey. It is amazing to me that others can be blessed through my own pain...I am humbled by your words. I am sure you are such a source of hope and genuineness to others in your transplant community when you least imagine it. Your feedback helps give normalcy to my own writings! That is, as my writings may help you verbalize certain things, others sharing my sentiment in turn, helps me!
      much love

  2. Continuing quietly here with you and Bruce. Not forgotten, no suggestions, just here with you and yours. D.