Thursday, September 18, 2014


That question was running through my mind last night, keeping me awake...

Will I still love Him?

Will I still love Him if she dies?  Can my faith survive this road of suffering, this private viewing of something so terrible?

I really, really want the answer to be YES.

But I am feeling so fragile, so vulnerable, so unrestrainedly human right now.  I feel like I can´t guarantee anything, knowing how inconstant a heart can be.

It´s not that I am a stranger to pain and loss.  I have already grieved, to varying degrees and in different seasons of life, the loss of 2 brothers, my Mom and both of my in-laws.  But this does not make me an expert or a ¨grief success story¨.  God forbid!  My heart still aches and each process was - and still is - heart-wrenchingly sorrowful.

But my daughter!  The one He formed in my womb!  My firstborn!  The one who looks so much like me and who captured me completely from the first second I met her!  Can I love Him if she is taken?

Last night the silence was deafening - second only to the pounding of my heart.

So much of the time I am consumed in praying for my children - that they can love Him in spite of this painful journey, that they can believe in goodness still.  I long for their faith to survive and I dread watching their suffering if she is taken - more than walking through my own.

But last night the questions came to me, haunting me, piercing my heart. I could only pray for tenderness toward Him, for resolve, for steadfastness, for an unbelievable experience of His mercy in all of this so that I will still believe in a God of love.

I also prayed for God´s reputation.  For what will happen in the hearts of the ones watching all of this?  Will they want to love you if You take her?  Will they be able to believe in You if You can heal her but for some reason, don´t?  Would I want to follow a God who allows children to die?   Will I be able to respond with love & faith to them in my own grief?

I whisper to Him, ¨I so want the answer to be YES.¨

Theologians have been unable to resolve the tension between God´s love & goodness and His sovereignty.  Some think it comes down to a choice between the two.  To me, it really comes down to a choice of the heart:  Will I trust the sovereign God to act lovingly on my behalf even if it   doesn´t look like it at the time? 

I have a number of dear friends who live in incredibly difficult situations.  They have seen war, unbelievable pain, have seen ugliness up close and personal, have seen human devastation and injustice - all the while crying out to God for mercy, for intervention, for some sign of goodness in all of it.  Sometimes life is very, very hard.  What will we believe about God when all around us are ashes?

I´ve come to believe that if I don´t believe in a God who can bring beauty from ashes, life from death, mercy from cruelty, redemption through terror - He is not worth believing in.  The point of a God of Life is that He can deliver it in the worst of circumstances!

I love the poignant words of Peter on behalf of the 12 disciples after many other disciples left Jesus because of some of his hard-to-swallow words and teachings.  Jesus asks them,  ¨You do not want to leave too, do you?¨ Peter answers, ¨Lord, to whom shall we go?  You have the words of eternal life.  We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.¨ (John 6:67-69)

Jesus captured my heart at 16.  He has loved me through thick and thin.  He has proved Himself to me many times over. I sincerely & utterly don´t know how to live without Him.  Wouldn´t want to live without Him.

Will I still love Him?  

Trembling, I breathe out my response:  ¨YES, forever and ever.¨

Photo by:  Michael Korchia


  1. The tension is real.

    It's a question I dealt with when Dana's good friend in college died at 19.

    Like you, I hope that I would answer Yes if faced with what you are faced with right now, but I know nothing of this level of anguish.

    Theologically, it's much easier for me to grasp then emotionally. Everyone eventually dies so at some point God chooses not to heal everyone. Jesus prayed in Gethsemane, but the answer to his prayer was No. It wasn't His lack of faith or a sin problem, it just wasn't the plan.

    But that is theology and as Packer says, it is the people who walk the road not those sitting on the balcony who must struggle with the reality.

    His love remains the size of the ocean. Deep, wide, powerful, and unending.

    You are in our thoughts and prayers.

    I'm amazed at your courage to share with us these raw posts. They are life giving to all who read them even the hard ones because we all feel these things at different seasons. For those who believe alongside of you, it is comfort to know we are not foolishly following the king. For those whose belief wavers then returns, they let us know that questioning God is not a sin, but a gift from Him. For those who have not yet believed, your faith and anguish are a sign post -- Something different is happening here.

    And while I love every word that you write, please don't EVER, EVER feel that those of us who have supported you are owed this level of trust from you. We may cherish it, but it is a gift from you, not an obligation on you.


    1. Thanks, dear Kent; you are a kindred spirit!

  2. Thank you for asking the questions!!

    Here is a quote which has ministered to my heart this week... "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."

  3. Love this, Kati...thanks for asking questions with me. I pray we can both ¨live into the answers¨...

  4. Cada palabra que sale de lo más profundo de tu alma es un ejemplo para mí; Y sí, también yo pensado cosas así alguna vez, y también la respuesta ha sido siempre la misma: Si. Ahora no vemos mas que como por un espejo, como dice la Escritura, pero hay un plan, aparte de tanto sufrimiento, y si dejamos de creer eso, se acaba todo.