MISSING HIS VOICE

Oh! how I miss Your voice!
I miss hearing your secrets,
hearing your insights,
even your warnings!

I sit and listen again but hear nothing.
The silence echoes & reverberates...
Sometimes it mocks me.
Sometimes it tells me it will always be like this from now on -
that pain & grief deafen your senses,
mess with your mind,
dull your abilities,
darken your capacity.

I hate to admit that in part it´s true...
That is many people´s experience.
But I am clear on this:
It will not always be this way!
It is a season.
And every season passes.
And every season has its beauty.

I used to hear Him easily...
Listening was my ¨go to¨ way to experience God.
His voice met me in various experiences & places;
I find myself lost without it!

Yet like a person struck suddenly deaf,
I am slowly learning to depend on other senses to a greater degree.
I am sharpening them as I learn to use them,
learning to compensate.
And I realize that I can experience God in so many ways!
He is not limited to my diminished senses
in this time of grief.
This is part of the beauty to be discovered in this season.

Certainly God is unlimited in His ability to communicate.
I am the one who is reaching out through human limitations,
through my wounded heart & senses,
asking Him to build my awareness,
asking Him to enhance my creativity in order to connect with Him.

So I open my heart -
to taste His goodness,
to touch His hem,
to smell His perfume...
soon enough I will hear Him,
Soon enough.
For now, the others are enough...
And they are beautiful.

But oh! How I miss His voice!



SOUND OF YOUR VOICE by Steven Curtis Chapman

Photo by:  Tangent Artifact

TENTATIVE PRAISE

“Aslan is a lion- the Lion, the great Lion." "Ooh" said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he-quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion"..."Safe?" said Mr Beaver ..."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.”

C.S.Lewis, The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe

To my un-safe but good King....  :)

Praise comes

from trembling lips

Gratitude stumbles

from mustard-seed heart

Wisdom emerges

from a terrible, yet sacred journey

Trust is budding

from this pilgrim walk.

Tears, miles, hours, prayers

all done with Him.

He has not left me.

Yet neither He has explained Himself.

He is Love and Mystery.

The storms, mountains & valleys

are not over.

I thought they were!

But this trek still has more

break-points, look-outs, summits and precipices.

It is all mapped out in tender, yet stubborn love.

I breathe in, I breathe out,

take the next step.

I stop to take in the view

And He whispers

and smiles.

If I don´t pay attention

I will miss it!

So I pause often

To see the sacred in the terrible

to find beauty in the shadows

to embrace joy in spite of 

to kiss velvety petals.

lay on green,

listen to quiet waters.

And in those moments, praise comes 

from trembling lips...






Photo by:  Jesús Pérez Pacheco

THE DEEP

"Deep calls to deep

in the roar of your waterfalls,

All your waves and breakers

have swept over me."

Psalm 42:7

The deepest part of me calls

to the deepest part of You.

In the middle of the rush,

in the power of the pounding waters,

in their threat to overtake me, I cry out...

And You find me.

The deepest part of me calls

to the deepest part of you.

In the roar and in the sweeping over,
in the powerful currents,

in the torrential cascade of life I call...

And we meet.

The deepest part of me calls
to the deepest part of you,
In the heaving, swelling foam & waves,
in the pushing & coursing strength of tides,
in the deafening sound of many waters,
my voice is silenced...

Yet You hear me.

This deep place,

this unanticipated point of encounter,

is only discovered when life

is waves & breakers & pounding water...
And as scary as this place sometimes is,

I am humbled,
and honored,
and amazed
to find depth with You here.

Deep calls to deep, Spirit to spirit.

Longing & fulfillment, need & provision,

confusion & understanding, 

meet in this mysterious & unexpected place.

There is revelation.

There is communion.

There is a deeply renewed hope & strength.
While this may seem incongruent,

It is my most profound & sacred season ever with Him.

The deepest part of me calls,

to the deepest part of you...

Oh! what I would have missed

if His breakers hadn´t swept over me!



Photo by:  Travelbusy.com

WAITING

         

Waiting

for rays of light, of hope, for sunrises & rainbows 

Waiting

for the piercing of the clouds, for fresh wind

Waiting

for smiles, for joy, for lightness

Waiting

for answers, for the proof of today´s faithfulness 

Waiting

for today´s manna

Waiting

for enough tears to be collected, enough lessons learned

Waiting

for wonders to be shown 

Waiting

for the sorrow that turns to joy & for the mourning that turns to dancing

Waiting

for the Higher Purposes to be accomplished

Waiting

for this moment´s mercies, for this day´s grace

Waiting 

for pages turned, for the new chapter

Waiting

for the greater glory

Waiting

Photo by:  splash<3

A THANK YOU NOTE

Dearest Shepherd,

I find myself without words for the long-awaited breakthrough which came this week.  At first I didn´t even want to tell anyone; it was just too precious to blurt out!   I pondered it in my heart, savored the good news, wondered about Your choice of timing and choice of how and when to speak to me.  My heart was overflowing with melodies & gratitude, joy bubbling up with or without verse, contentment flowing, underlying it all, laying down a peaceful bed. Heavenly flower petals spilled down over me, flooding my environment with perfume.  I felt special & loved & singled out in a sacred moment – a kyros moment You chose to act in within Your perfect kingdom plan.

Thank You for Your perfect timing.  Thank You for lessons learned.  Thank You for holding me up so many weary days.  Thank You for helping me to walk with my kids in their faith walk without having to have all the answers.  Thank You for giving Jenna special grace.  Thank You for Your quiet but steady presence in all of this.  Thank You for my husband´s steady hand and careful attention to us in a complex year.

Lord, I bless Your work that I cannot see.  I bless the people around us so that they can see Jesus in spite of our simple humanity.  I bless the pieces You are putting together for the extension of Your kingdom in this world.  I bless the doctors´ understanding in the coming months of the situations yet to arise.  I bless my children and how their lives will be affected forever by this year.  I bless my    husband´s faith & our tenderness as a couple to bless others with the same compassion & unselfish caring that has been shown to us.  I bless even the difficult things to come, the suffering still to be endured, the unanswerable questions & the losses.  I bless Your work in and through us and its ripple effect throughout the world on others.  I bless all You do, even when I can´t see it.

Thank You for the special things of this week: the ways You spoke to me, the surgery for Jenna, the ¨like new¨ intestines she sports, the grace for Jordan at school & in futbol, the amazing provisions for Dani and how You are speaking to Bruce & comforting him while he is far from us.

I´ll love You forever.  As David wrote in Psalm 74:12, ¨God is my King from my youth.¨ This is true with me and I can think of no greater joy & privilege in this life than to pilgrim with You.

I am Yours always!

Pam

SUNDAY´S LAMENT (LAMENTS ARE PRAYERS, TOO)

           

  Lord, it´s been so long!

Many people have poured themselves out for us!

Praying & loving on us.

I have nothing to tell them.

Sometimes I don´t even want to go out

because everyone asks about her

and I have nothing new or encouraging to say to them.

Nothing has changed.

No breakthrough has come.

No healing, not even forward movement.

We have gone backwards.

We are stuck.

Doctors are telling us they are stymied.

This is Your big chance to shine!

But You are silent. You are still.

I am starting to really dislike Your silence.

People want to help us.

But there is only one thing I need,

one thing I care about,

one thing I go to bed thinking about

and wake up thinking about:

that my daughter would be able to take in nutrition

and move on in the chemo process.

Our friends cannot give me this.

Right now the doctors can´t even give me this.

Only You can give me this.

I believe this is not hard for You.

I believe You love her.

I believe You´ve heard the thousands

of prayers gone up for her.

So why don´t You do something?

Why can´t we see answers?

If You can raise the dead with a word,

Can´t You just resolve the vomiting in my daughter so we can move on?

Do you like hearing the same prayers again & again?

Is there some kind of ¨prayer-o-meter¨ and we haven´t hit the magic number yet?

How long, O Lord?!

We have no other god but You.

For us, You hold the words of life.

If You don´t show up and help us, we are lost.

We will have no hope.

We will be like those who have no faith, no god.
This is Your reputation at stake.
Make Yourself known to those around us, O Lord!

You have met many other needs -

for strength, encouragement, finances, practical help, 

support for my kids and more.
It´s not that there is no thankfulness in my heart.

But there is one main plea on our hearts...

One main request we repeat...

One longing that dominates our minds & prayers...

Please fill the hands that we lift to You,

in our desperation,

in our lament.

I COME TO YOU

                                                                                                                                                       
When all is gone -

energy, strength, resolve

I come to You.

When all is draining away -

joy, happiness, peace

I come to You.

When all is dry -

wisdom, ideas, encouragement

I come to You.

when all is darkening -

perspective, focus, vision

I come to you.

I need you on so many levels;

I cannot keep up with life´s demands,

Life has not stopped for me!

Calendars turn over,

People come & go,

Projects have due dates,

School continues with it´s demands,

My family has ongoing needs

that have nothing to do with cancer...

So do I.

And there are the ongoing needs

that have everything to do with cancer...

these are so important.

I need the One who gives Life.

Who breathes Life into all of this,

Into all of me & those I love.

You are my Source

And that is why...

I come to You.

Photos by:  @doug88888 and Sashamd

SACRED ECLIPSE

On the Altar Moment of this First Day of Chemo

Today I give You my girl.

I stand at an altar moment in life,

A sacred eclipsing of the light.

As darkness approaches,

I place her there.

My firstborn.

The first one to steal my heart.

She is strength & sweetness all at once.

And she is braver than I.

She climbed right onto the altar herself,

barely trembling!

She looked back at me with peaceful hazel eyes.

It was I who pulled her off, terrified,

and not at all ready.

Quietly, she took my hands

And her eyes told me:

¨Everything´s gonna be ok;

He´s got this.¨

I helped her back up there.

And blessed her.

Today I give You my girl.

I stand at this altar moment -

the beginning of chemo.

With a sacred eclipsing in my mother-heart,

I whisper another prayer of surrender,

And I place her there.

THE PIERCINGS & THE ROSE

(On finally figuring out that this journey is not really about cancer - it´s about my heart.)

                                                                                                                                                                        

I lost count a while back
of the number of thorns -
the thorns that have pierced me
during this journey.

There are crimson drops of blood

Beaded & glistening at each pinhole -

A tribute to the thorns´ severe mercy.*

Each piercing broke into my life,
into my safe interior.

It seems a raw & violent intrusion

On my inner life.

These piercings touch me in deep places

where tears & blood drops flow.

Places I didn´t know about -

places dark & hidden within me.

The piercings direct little shafts of light

from the outside to the depths.

Revealing, exposing, unmasking
a deep down ugliness.

Sins, habits, responses
Attitudes, traits & weaknesses -

They are caught in the light,
forced into plain view, slinking or screaming.

I feel appalled, embarrassed, humiliated

Confused & terrified of my own self, I bolt

I run & run & run until I collapse, heaving with sobs.

I crawl into a shadowed place, afraid.

In a desperate & exhausted heap

I cry hot tears until there are none left.
Their salty heat burns with this truth:

There is no place to run from yourself.

 I see with a start that the thorns are not in themselves my trial -

Their piercings deflect to the Spirit´s intended target -

My heart, ¨the wellspring of life¨

Of course!  He is always about deeper things.

The visible trial is always about the inner life.

Now I face this poignant decision:
to ¨let¨ the piercings have their ¨perfect result¨
or to resist this sacred proposition.
To focus on the thorns -
or surrender myself to the Rose of Sharon.

I realize with shame
that what is seen can be wasted 

when instead of deep change we allow it

to produce pity in others for us,

or bitterness in ourselves,
or walls with those we love,
or simply, defeat.

The piercings in the valley

are utterly painful

But as I surrender myself in my ugliness

to the One who knows 

of tears drops & blood drops,
of hearts & piercings

I find a fellow Sufferer -

and a Saviour.

He shepherds & counsels me

through pain, darkness & terrifying ugliness

He ushers in little miracles 

of change, of surrender, of release.

He gives strength & spiritual courage

to enter forbidden closets.

Restoration Will Come.

But right now it is the time of the valley of piercings.

It is a time for mourning & confession,

It is a time for making right & being honest,

It is a time for tear drops & blood drops.

Yet here,  even here among the thorns, there is a Rose.

He holds me, breathes for me, cries with me

He leads me to green pastures,

He brings Presence into the valley.

Knowing there will be velvety roses of character

makes the sacred piercing of thorns a bit easier.

Understanding there will be perfume from the crushing

makes cooperating with the Spirit´s plan sweeter.
Hearing His voice whisper that there will be beauty
when the tears & blood drops are dried, is a comfort.

Believing in the Rose of Sharon among thorns
means everything to me.
He knows of piercings,
and of severe mercies.
He knows this valley;
 He knows how the story ends.

I found this Rose,
my Rose,
in the Valley of Piercings...
I found Him in the only place you find a rose -
among the severe mercy of thorns.

*¨severe mercy¨ is originally coined in A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken.  His magnificent autobiography tells of he and his wife´s relationship, their spiritual quest and her death.  Our struggles to understand why there is pain & loss in this world if God is all-powerful and all-loving, are beautifully crafted in this classic which includes letters with their friend C.S. Lewis. 

Photos (in order of appearance) by: 

sudesh,  mandragor.de, Linda Knight, Len Mathews, pea sap, James Bowe