WHAT'S IN A NAME?

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower.  The righteous run to it and are safe."

Proverbs 18:10

Something is bothering me.

Does it seem strange to you that in these last two very difficult years I have primarily related to God as my Shepherd?  Aspects of Him as Mighty King, Judge, High and Lofty One, Creator, Cornerstone, etc., have been difficult for me to connect to.   It's not that I don't believe these things are true of Him, it's just that I have so desperately needed certain aspects of Him during this difficult process that they have become my main lifeline to Him.  To have Him as my Comforter, Counselor, Guide and Savior has been essential to my healing.  I also have not wandered far from the Psalms in this time, finding comfort in their honesty & hope.  But I keep wondering how long this lasts...

I often struggle in worship when we sing songs about these other realms of Him.  It feels foreign, almost uncomfortable and it is somewhat upsetting to me that I can't.  If I believe He is sovereignly who He reveals Himself to be in Scripture, why is this so hard for me?

When I reflect on how His names were revealed in Scripture, though, I see human encounters with Him at points of need.  And each specific need provided an opportunity to experience Him in a certain way.  It marked their life and there was often a physical place of remembrance built to recall its significance.

When Hagar, pregnant with Ishmael, ran away from Sarai and Abram, she found herself alone in a desert.  She was in a difficult place in life and only God could have found her there, seen her need and given her direction for her - and her son's and an entire generation's - future.  She named Him "the God who sees."  (Beer Lahai Roi) (Genesis 16:14)

When less-than-confident Moses was considering God's proposal to go speak to the Pharaoh, he asked, "Who shall I say sent me?"  Did he not already know the name of his fathers' God  as the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob? He did, but he seemed to need a new revelation of God to allow him to begin to fulfill his destiny.  "I AM WHO I AM," God revealed.  (Exodus 3)

After the huge victory of the Red Sea, the Israelites began their travels and it wasn't long before there were various difficulties.  After their experience of the bitter waters of Marah, God challenged them to listen carefully to Him, to obey Him and that if they did so, they would be kept from sickness and disease: "I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians."  I'm sure they still had vivid images of the post-plague-disease-ridden Egyptians in their minds!  He reveals this to them:  "I am the Lord who heals you."  (Jehovah Rapha)  (Exodus 15)  

God has created an infinite number of unique human temperaments and personalities.  I've noticed that certain ones tend to lean towards certain names of God as their primary way of relating to Him.  We also all go through many different seasons of life and find different aspects of God especially meaningful at certain times.  I'm glad God can accommodate such variety.  He Himself is so immense and complex that there could never be one name that says it all anyway! 

Maybe I shouldn't worry so much about my limited perspective right now.  Perhaps it is still a time to enjoy the Lord as my Shepherd... It is said that that is the place where "I lack nothing."  That sounds like a good place to be! (Ps. 23:1)

Besides, as Juliet said to Romeo:

"What's in a name?  That which we call a rose,

By any other name would smell as sweet."

The Lord is indeed very sweet - no matter which name I choose to use.

Photo by:  Jack Dorsey

LETTING GO OF GRIEF

There comes a time in the grief journey when grieving becomes almost comfortable.  It's familiar, it's daily, it's a loyal companion.  For some, it may be a subtle way of getting desired attention, extra space, kindnesses or pity.   Grief seems to take on a personality of it's own and becomes jealous and greedy of your healing - so much so that it threatens to become your identity instead of just your process.  In a strange turn of events, grief can become a deceptive, clingy, over-friendly enemy.  Recognizing and confronting this comfortableness at the time that is right for you is crucial to ongoing healing.

While everyone's grief experience is unique, for me I started to become aware of this certain comfortableness through two feelings I had not had for a very long time:  occasional boredom and restlessness.  Subtle tensions began to arise between the desire to protect myself from any external energy drainers outside of grief and some actual thoughts of wanting to do more.  Because of my flexible work, my overwhelmingly understanding co-workers and a little bit of prior experience with grief, I gave myself a lot of permission to grieve.  I am still in process but I can honestly say that I have been proactive with the counsel given to me.  So when these prickings of the heart and mind began to come, they were strange and not entirely welcome.

I began to have a series of thoughts in certain opposition to each other like:

"Have I been giving myself too much permission to grieve?"  "What if I start doing more and it is too anxiety-producing?" "What if I don't have the capacity for more?"  "How much is just right?" "What have I been doing with my life?!" "I don't want to do the wrong things before who I know who I'm supposed to be!"  "Who AM I supposed to be?"  "Does this mean I am forgetting her?"

It wasn't until I started paying more attention to the significance of these things and seeing the guilt and confusion for what it was: growing pains - that I could begin to move forward again.  I am beginning to acknowledge that I feel out of practice at being busy & productive and am not at all sure I want to go back there.  I long to do things from a deeper place and this whole experience has changed some of my priorities.  Some days I feel completely overwhelmed at the thought of all the catching up I have to do - relationally, professionally, physically, personally.  So many things have been put on hold since Jenna´s illness and death.  There are so many things I have not done - let alone done well - in these last 2 years.  How will I ever catch up?

Like all fears that immobilize us, how will I know if I don´t try?  I sense it´s time to step out on some things, to begin to experiment with my energy level and capacity for people, activity & work.  The work I have done on a limited basis has sometimes been exhausting but for the most part I'm happy that they have been almost all successful even if they were short-term.

I don´t regret the choices I've made thus far.  It has had to be this way in order for me to do my most important jobs: grieve and help my family.  I have a friend who also lost a daughter unexpectedly in her early 20´s who says, ¨Grieving is a full-time job; everything else you do is overtime!¨ Who knows where I would be if I hadn´t fully given myself to the task?  I could be ahead in a lot of other things and a mess inside.

Committing to long term projects is scary...there are many what ifs in my mind taunting me.  What if I fall back into a dark time and lose my strength?  What if I fall apart at some important presentation?  What if I commit to  a trip and then find myself miserable?  What if I commit to something six months away and my kids are in crisis?  Then again, don't we all face what ifs in life?  Are mine really that different?

These growing pains have got my attention.  I know this for sure:  I do NOT want to hold onto grief just because it is familiar!  It must be in its proper place and serve its rightful task.  I pray for discernment and strength as I walk forward into the future that looks so very different now...

THE SILVER-ROSE RAY

From the womb of the dawn

came a ray of light.

It shimmered silvery-rose

upon the dark, silhouetted horizon.

¨Wake up!¨ she whispered.

¨It´s a new day, a new time.¨

The light grew brighter and chameleoned 

into coral, red and glad orange.

The fiery ball began to rise with proud protagonism,

while the silver-rose ray of light

slipped quietly, unobtrusively, into the background.

Her short work was done.

Yet she was content.

For I had heard her.

I had seen her promise and understood:

The much-anticipated season of Light

that will crush my Darkness

Starts with noticing...

the simple silver-rose ray.

¨But the way of the right(eous) is like the early morning light.

It shines brighter and brighter until the perfect day.¨ 

Proverbs 4:18

Photo by:  Sian Monument

THE ALMOND BLOSSOMS OF WINTER

I spent 3 hours this morning with two of my besties here in Spain talking, praying and reflecting as we like to do.  We express our hearts about what life is bringing at present while the others listen intently first to the sharer, then to God.  Insights, scriptures, word pictures and phrases often catch in our souls for one another and we talk about them and pray for each other.  I frankly don´t know what I´d do without them.

After a rather emotional time for me this morning expressing my present dark phase, they were undaunted and listened intently to God on my behalf.  They heard some amazing, encouraging things and ministered to me with such compassion that I left sensing light and also, a literal turning point. 

Later in the afternoon, one of them wrote to me and said that while she was driving to an appointment she noticed that the almond trees are blossoming here in Andalucía.  I had noticed it, too, the day before; they are the first to bloom here.  But today it caught her attention because we had talked a lot about vineyards and pruning and seasons; I myself expressed that I was definitely in a ¨winter¨ season with little progress to notice at first glimpse.  But we reflected on the well-known fact that winter, while to the eyes seems like a barren time, really has some profound things going on.  This is the time of year when, underneath the soil, the roots are going deep.  During the sometimes long, dark, cold season of winter, there is much more than meets the eye!  It is a time to trust and believe in what is really happening  - and in what is to come.

But to think that some things actually blossom in the winter!  That was a fresh thought to me today. To think what it must be for almonds to blossom earlier than everything else!  What must their secret be?

The almond tree is the first to blossom and the last to bear fruit.  Almond trees are present in the Scriptures and are particularly associated with ¨one of the earliest prophecies of young Jeremiah.¨* 

¨The word of the Lord came to me:  ¨What do you see, Jeremiah?¨ 

¨I see the branch of an almond tree, ¨ I replied.  

The Lord said to me, ¨You have seen correctly,

 for I am watching to see that my word is fulfilled.¨    

 Jeremiah 1:11, 12

It gets even better:  The Hebrew word for almond, shaked, is also translated ¨to watch¨.  By seeing the almond branch, God assured Jeremiah that He is watching over His word to bring it to pass, no matter the passage of time.¨*  Almonds are clearly associated with God's watchful presence and promises for future fulfillment of His promises - even during our most wintry of times.

The almond trees around Andalucía where I am blessed to live are just coming alive this week and I am so touched to see their faith-filled prelude to spring.  The Almendros and their flowers are a symbol of awakening and hope - to all that God promises to watch over and fulfill.

May your day be blessed with (literal and/or figurative) almond blossoms! 

Photos in order of appearance:  Sydney and Theophilus Papadopoulos

Quote from:  Dr. Juergen Buehler, ICEJ (Int´l Christian Embassy in Jerusalem) Executive Director

JUST STAND

"...after you have done everything...stand." 

 Ephesians 6:13b

There are days in this last year plus that just getting out of bed has been a huge victory.  Standing and walking have been huge, too.  In the midst of a fierce, draining battle, standing is actually quite a remarkable and courageous act.

I know these verses are clearly couched in the heart of some of the most powerful and specific teaching on spiritual warfare in the NT.  Sometimes we differentiate between "trials" and "spiritual warfare" when really there is a complex overlap.  Isn't it all about living in a visible earthly realm with a heavenly invisible perspective?  Isn't it all about "making known the mystery" through our lives - especially in our suffering - whatever the catalyst or form our suffering has?  It may be that "simply standing" shows others God's amazing grace in far more tangible & dramatic ways than walking or running.

I have yet to meet someone who likes to be weak or to just "be standing" but if we had any kind of perspective on what it takes for a lot of us to "just stand", they would hold our deepest respect!

On my days when discouragement hovers over me because I get caught up focusing on how long it is taking to recover my physical strength & energy during this time of grief, how little I seem to accomplish in a day compared to before, the anxiety that quickly rises up in me in the face of any stress, the yo-yo of emotions that still overwhelm me, my lack of usual vision & passion in our work, my diminished emotional capacity for people and the spiritual questions that haunt me...I have to remind myself that it is just a day for standing.  "Just stand," He whispers to me, "Today, just stand."

So I am trying to rest in my standing.  To be patient in my standing, to be ok with my standing.  To let others stand with me and to let the world see that I am "just standing" at a time when I could be laying down.  Oh I pray they will see the mystery and grace of my standing!

In the words of Melbourne Street Artists Avant-Garde:

First photo by:  Hamed Masoumi

FIX MY EYES

"Then Peter got down out of the boat,
 walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and,
 beginning to sink, cried out, " Lord, save me!"

Matthew 14:29, 30

Fix

my eyes

on the One.

Who knows, who loves, who cries.

Set

my heart 

on the immovable Rock.

Who stabilizes, secures, is unyielding.

Quiet 

my mind

on enduring Truth and Goodness.

My underpinning, my bedrock, my infrastructure.

Align 

my body

to the healing road of Life.

Sound, flourishing, wholeness.

Fix all of me, God,
on Your face.

And on Your extended hand to me.

The one stretched out across the rising waves all around me -

For You are ready to save.

I see it in Your face;
it is fixed with love on me.

Save me, O God,

from this ocean of emotions!

from tumultuous waves of fear & sadness,

from tides of regret & loss...

Calm the storm - the one inside me.

Fix 

my eyes, 

O God.

My heart, mind & body, too.

Focus all of me...on all of You.

Fix 

my eyes.

¨...let us run with perseverance the race 

marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes

on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...¨

Hebrews 12:1,2

Photo by:  Vagelis Kalampalikis

LOOKING FOR THE BEAUTY

¨He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...

to comfort all who mourn...to provide for those who grieve...

bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, 

the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise

 instead of a spirit of despair. ¨ 

Isaiah 61:1-3

In the midst of this pain, Lord,

Make me attentive.

Attentive to unexpected beauty.

Help me to see it, to perceive it.

Let me be in synch

with the Spirit´s redemptive craftsmanship

against this backdrop of tragedy.

A backdrop of ugly rawness, 

painful memories & the smoldering of death.

You say You will bring beauty -

Beauty from the ashes of death,

from the ashes of mourning...

You say You can transform even that.

So let me discern, O Lord,

this promised artistry.

Let me participate in its unfolding,

delight in its telling,

take comfort in its transforming blessing.

Grace my head, O King,

with the garland of beauty.

Grace my heart & life

with restored joy,

with laughter,

with dancing and song.

Make me attentive, Lord,

to the beauty.

Photo by:  Noukka Signe

BRINGING HEAVEN DOWN

They talk to me about eternal -
that "1,000 years is like a day"
or "in the blink of an eye"
or the "thin veil" that separates us
from the wonder of heaven.

But I am here, trapped, in the temporal
and every day is an uncountable number
of blinks of an eye.
A day can feel like a 1,000 years.
And the veil may as well be the Great Wall of China.
Eternity feels so very far away.

Does is it seem unfair to be stuck here?
With loved ones & promises & perfection waiting there?
Oh to see the unknown purposes of God!

It's not that there are not promises for our here & now.
(If not, I would truly perish!)
But our heart is programmed for so much more!
Here we are just pilgrims passing through.
And right now I chaffe against this nomadic life,
this transitory sojourning with divided heart.
For ever since she left us,
I've wanted to be somewhere else like never before.

Oh Lord, give me patience for the days left to me!
Fill them with love & purpose!
And please, let my longings for heaven
transform into deepening passion
to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth.

More of heaven here, Lord, while we wait!
More love, more redemption, more healing,
more salvation, more freedom, more peace...
more of You, Jesus.

Until I can get to heaven, Lord,
Please help me to be one who brings heaven down.




My two realities:

Heaven is the Face by Steven Curtis Chapman

Heaven on Earth by David & Nicole Binion, Covenant Worship

Photo by: Hartwig HKD, Tree of Life

MY ALCHEMIST

"Awake, north wind, and come, south wind!  
Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere."

Song of Songs 4:16

Let this crushing produce
the desired sweetness,

Not bitterness.

Let the crushing press out
all that is not worthy or useful -

For the Master Alchemist is at work.

He is consumed
with creating my Life Fragrance.

There is a plan in this madness,

in this sadness.

A "beauty for ashes" kind of ending.

To unveil the Rose of roses,

the Lion of all lions -

in all His strength & loveliness.

And He has chosen one such as I.

Meanwhile, as I feel this weight,

the pressing of life in sadness & pain,

I feel the weight of purpose, too.

The purpose of sweet tears & fragrant petals,

prayers of surrender, whispered love,

all being crushed together,

mingling, running down.

The Master Alchemist is brewing

the unique Fragrance of my life into His.

Oh let it be sweet!

Let it be beautiful & intoxicating!

Like the love of this One

who has captivated me

& allured me to this desert place.

To begin again a garden,

to create fruitful vineyards,

to make beauty from ashes,

and an oil of joy for mourning.

He is my mystical, ancient, irresistible,

creative & Love-inspired Alchemist.

After all that has happened,

He is still my Beloved.

And so I trust Him, too,
as my Alchemist.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;

I will lead her into the wilderness

and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,

and will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble),

a door of hope."

Hosea 3:14,15

Photo by:  PictureWendy

PIERCINGS & OTHER STUPID THINGS NOT TO DO WHILE GRIEVING

I had been thinking for a long time about getting a 3rd ear piercing.  But the really bright part of the idea was getting it in March.  Since I had done the others years ago when I was a teenager, I really had no recollection of pain nor was I calculating the difference in age or general state of being I was in at the time of the piercing.  If I had realized that it would keep me awake at night (because I sleep on my side) and take weeks and weeks to heal, I probably would have thought differently about it (or just thought about it, period).  I was in pain for weeks before I finally realized that extra, self-induced pain at this difficult juncture of my life was not only NOT a good idea, it was a really stupid one!  I took the earrings out for a couple days´ break and then - ciao - I couldn´t get them back in without pain & bleeding.  So, I am back down to 2 ear piercings...sigh.  (But I am sleeping better! )  

This led me to think that my stupid decisions during grief might possibly benefit others...and thus, this post.  Then again, the rest of you are probably smarter than me!

TOP TEN STUPID THINGS NOT TO DO WHILE GRIEVING:

1.  Piercings & tattoos and/or any other potentially painful bodily markings or changes should probably wait til you feel pretty healthy.  Just sayin...you may not make your best decisions right now.

2.  Major hairstyle changes or any other major changes in appearance should also wait til you have a better state of mind for decision making!  (A hair color change on me was frightening; my hair was weaker from all the stress and I regretted it big time!)

3.  Let your husband prune the garden.  This often doesn´t go well even in the best of times, but a man with pent up emotions with pruning shears in his hands can definitely produce some ¨unhappy wife¨ results!

4.  Work on future calendar items with said husband.  Take on any major home projects together.  Make any big decisions together. Haha.  While you can´t avoid all of this, try to limit it as much as possible as your style & pace of processing grief can be vastly different, complicating your already big differences in the first place.  Sensitivities are high & capacity & energy is low so give your marriage a break and take it slow!

5.  Attempt DIY memorial obelisks, cathedrals, monuments or other great architectural or artistic works in memory of your loved one too soon after the event.  (Unless you ARE a great architect or artist.)  You are all likely to be out of energy, patience, team spirit & camaraderie long before said work of memory is finished. You may end up with worse problems than grief on your hands!

6. Assume your way of grieving is the only way or the best way.  Each family member´s process and pace are different.  Giving space & support for each one - no matter how hard that may be for you - is vital to the family´s healing process.  Grieve differently - but grieve together.

7.  Conclude all the people who say stupid things to you (like ¨I know just how you feel¨) are really trying to be stupid.  They are really just humans trying to say something - anything! - helpful at a very difficult & awkward time.  You probably didn´t know what to say either until it happened to you.  Grieving is extremely hard - but knowing what is appropriate to say is hard, too, and we should all extend grace to each other.

8.  Get a pet.  Any pet.  A regular pet.  An exotic pet. A black market pet.  Any pet that requires one ounce of extra energy that you don´t presently have.  We tossed around many ideas in our pain, desiring something warm & fuzzy and comforting during our roughest days.  The problem is, we have had a number of pets and even though we miss them, we have had enough experience to know that in our housing situation, they take work.  Lots of it.  And our other big insight was that there is no perfect pet.  I had dreams of a dog who knew just how I felt and would quietly curl at my feet when I was writing, be energetic when I wanted to go out on a long walk and would never pee or poop, bark inappropriately or dig up my plants.  Stupid, right?  We just don´t make the best decisions when under duress.  Of course, if you already have pets,  have lots of experience with pets or you are a Pet Whisperer, by all means, go ahead.

9.  Find escape, solace or any kind of comfort whatsoever in facebook games that falsely promise to help you enhance your fragile-sense-of-self-while-grieving find meaning.  Knowing what Disney Princess you are most like, what your nose says about your personality, what farm animal reflects your temperament most accurately, what your middle initial says about you or what Egyptian hieroglyphic reveals your hidden genius are truly NOT helpful partners during grief.  

10.  Try to follow all the advice you get:   Don´t be alone too much.  Don´t hang out with crowds if you don´t feel like it.  Eat.  But don´t overeat, overdrink, overshop, watch too much tv or engage in anything that could be escapist behavior.  Talk if you need to.  Don´t talk if you don´t want to.  Be kind to yourself.  Get lots of rest (but get your work done, too).  Cry freely.  Plan times to grieve when you can be alone & give yourself over fully to it.  Find artistic outlets.  Find physical outlets.  Be strong.  Don´t be afraid to feel weak.  Take your time.  Move on with your life.  Etc., etc., etc.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See how much I´ve learned so far?  I could write a book!

All photos from Goggle images

MARKED

"...let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, 
and let them be lights...to give light on the earth."

Genesis 1:14



I am a marked woman.

It's not something that you see at a glance

or notice in a quick exchange.

It's something deeper, more profound.

Life has changed forever.
Life has marked me forever.

The well of my heart is deepening, expanding.

My mind is still actively pondering the changes,

Clarifying what they are...

and who I will become.

This journey of healing is not about

"getting better so I can get back to who I was and what I was doing"

That could never be!

No, everything has changed
 and I must change, too.

So I bring the things I am noticing and pondering

to the One who knows me and who shaped me 

and who has faithfully shepherded me so far.

He knows all about these things
And His marks on us are mysteriously lovely.

So we walk and we talk and sometimes we just sit in silence.

And I wait and receive from Him

counsel, encouragement, courage
and a deepening ability to surrender.

A surrender
to Love, to Change,

and to Who I am becoming...

I notice that there is a smile

on His lips and around His warm eyes...

And I know I must be on the right path.

The one marked for me,

the one that is marking me.
the one that has His mark.

I smile back,
Content to be a marked woman.

Your comments are welcome and encouraged.  I have tried to simplify the process so that more of you will join in!

Photo from BuzzFeed.com

WHERE DID THE LOVE GO?

Loss has left me bereft of love -

Or so it seems.

Not for her - my heart aches for her -

but of love for others.

It seems I have lost my capacity to love

And I am so distressed!

There is no energy, no passion,

no motivation, no will power.

I desire - yet cannot - comprehend my friends´ problems

or my neighbors´ chatting.

I so want to care!

But there is no room, no place to put

the concerns of anyone else...

All my love spaces, my concerned places,

my rooms of compassion, the shared sanctums of my heart,

are full of grief.

They are too full to hold more.

So I sit at coffee listening like a tomb

to my dearest of friends.

I cannot understand her sharing -

Today it is a foreign language.

My brain defensively blocks her out,

subconsciously setting a protective limit for me.

I fight against it & try to refocus -

But I have no memory of what she just said.

I am undone by my own guilt & dysfunction -

I want to engage...but cannot.

Later I am in the stands at my son´s soccer game,

surrounded by other parents who happily chat.

I am overwhelmed by their loudness,

by their superficial talk.

It reverberates in my head like a migraine.

I say enough to let them know I´m there

But not enough to engage or truly ¨be present."

This outing exhausts me.

What is wrong?

I try to get out, for instinctively I know I need to.

Yet it takes a colossal effort to enter in.

I am painfully aware 

Of the inadequacies of my heart,

of my own impotence to wrap my arms around any more

than what they already carry.

Oh to be able to bear the burden of love!

Oh that love would be weightless!

Oh to find joy in listening intently!

Or laughing loudly or chatting with friendliness!

Some friends say I must be
"kind to myself, patient"
But today I am impatient with my weariness!
Impatient with my frailty around others.
I don't care or don't want to care or can't care
because of this emotional love-depletion.
I find myself just trying to survive the day.

Oh! Author of love!

Please hasten the day

when my heart,

carved up by grief & then healing,
has slowly drained some of its sadness,

& expanded in its capacity to give again...

To love again,

to care again,
naturally & unfeigned.

Love will be back -

sweeter & deeper than before.

The Love Author Himself whispers to me:
"Be kind & patient with yourself as I am.
I am with you & am guiding your journey.
You are on schedule."

I breathe a sigh of relief.
I am human.
I will love again.

Where did the love go?

It´s just very busy holding me for a little while -

it will soon be back.

Photo by:  Kiz BadArt Team

Comments are welcomed & encouraged.  I have tried to simplify the process so that more of you can join in! If you are unsure about how to leave a comment, just choose ANONYMOUS USER under "Comment As" and leave your name with your comment within the comment box.

HOLDING QUESTIONS (LESSONS FROM A DRAGONFLY)

I am holding questions -
and my arms are weary.
My mind is tired & perplexed at their weight,
my heart is heavy at the lack of resolution.

There have been questions written silently in a journal,
questions shouted to the sea,
questions with tears over coffee with a friend,
And questions of bewilderment in the intimacy of my family.

There have been questions of concern & curiosity,
questions of philosophy & theology,
questions of fear & doubt,
And questions from shock & incredulity.

There have been questions, too, of reverence & remembrance,
of assurance & love,
of beauty & faithfulness,
And all those answers are YES.  Yes and Amen.
These are the ones that anchor me.

But there are so many that will not fit in the Answered Pile...
There are no logical categories for so many of them in my human mind.
I cannot comprehend the ¨higher ways¨ and I sigh in my longing to do just that.
I am frustrated by my humanity, by my dual (duel??) earthly-spiritual realities.
I live in this place but have glimpses of another,
I am trapped in an earthly body,
Yet see that there are answers beyond me.

Oh to have explanations!
An interpretation of these sad losses & events
To justify the unjustifiable, to respond to the unrespondable
To bring closure to the unclosable...
These are flitting about me like dragonflies near a river,
They hover nearby with the sun glittering on their translucent wings,
thinking, pondering in the sun.
They are both beautiful & mysterious.
Suddenly, they are gone, off to another rock further ahead, upstream!
It seems they are making headway somehow, they have a destination.
And they are using the wind under their wings to lift them up
and take them upstream, against the current,
where they will sit & ponder again under sunlit glintings of truth.

Their wings look too frail to carry heavy burdens.
But they know how to use the breeze.
They innately know their next stop, the next step.
They are unhurried, peaceful.
Yet they progress - against the current & in the face of dangers.

I am holding questions as they seem to -
And hope that in my frailty there will also be beauty,
for the questions are worthy.
Some are frustratingly rhetorical, unanswerable this side of heaven.
And so I try to lay these down in the Mystery Pile -
and to be ok with that.
To be ok with a God who breathes mystery, who is mystery,
who doesn´t necessarily love mystery in a superior, look-down-on-you kind of way -
but who requires mystery to be who he is & orchestrate what he does.
Because simply put, if there were no mystery, He would not be God.
And if there were no God, there would be no life for me, no meaning.

So I hold my questions
on dragonfly wings
on this path of life.
I anchor myself in the answered ones.
And I carry the mysterious ones in a heart
that trusts the Love, the Purpose and yes, even the Mystery, of God.






Photo by: hjhipster

THE BOWED PINE

We were gifted at Christmas with a week away at a hotel by some friends. 

 It was just an hour down the coast but such a good change for us.  

 This poem reflects one of my big take-aways.

Thankful.

The other day I walked on the beach
where a little stone pine told me his story...
I hope it will be my story, too.


The little stone pine bowed low in the wind.
It leaned with its gusty opponent in struggle.
It strained, labored, twisted in resistance.
Day after day after day, the wind did not let up.
The stone pine, in spite of its name, was worn low and weary,
bearing the marks of a heavy and long battle.

The wind let up for a while but the tree retained its low position.
It vividly reflected its difficult life journey.
But in the lull, the pine reflected on its hardship,
contemplated its reactions & possibilities.
It realized it could not control the wind...
It could only hope to move with it -
but not be broken.

As the wind returned and blasted away at the pine,
That very struggle began to engage the deep capacity of the tree.
Previously untapped potential seeped forth, filling its veins,
infusing its life-giving sap that ran its deep course.
The tree bowed - but did not touch the ground.
The tree bent & reflected its struggle - but did not break.
The tree arched - but did not fracture.
The tree...was.
And that was its victory.

The pine was, by now,  horizontal to the ground.
The trunk was bent but sturdy & of a rich color.
The lovely green needles turned to face the sun and the vast sea.
In thankfulness, in need, in receptivity to its strength.
And there it remained.
So that I could see it.
So that others could see & read its life lesson.

Life will leave its mark on us.
There is no doubt in that.
I want to be like that tree -
I want to have a mark that says I have struggled...
but with a flowering noble strength
which reflects my desire to be better, deeper.
I want my face to face the sun no matter which way I must lean...
and to also have courage to face the vast, mysterious sea...
The sea over which the wind blows -
but which also holds treasure, surprise and unexplored territory.
Surely it holds unfathomed depths and an unbelievable array of colors & untold stories.

I may be bowed down low right now,
But my needles face the life-giving sun.
It will only be a matter of time
before I live untold adventures yet to come.
Because these very struggles tap previously unengaged capacities
to feel, to grow, to love, to persevere, to live...
I will continue like the little stone pine
who told me his story
on a day I walked the beach.































1st photo by:  me  :)

2nd photo by:  Dennis Murczak

COMFORT AT CHRISTMAS

Last night we were reading a short passage for advent in front of the fire.  I wasn´t at all sure I wanted to even think about advent or Christmas.  My heart is heavy and this season typically holds so much joy and celebration that it feels foreign and out of grasp.  It has been a symbol of togetherness at our house. Jenna and Dani have always been home for Christmas no matter how far away they were during the year.  Receiving them was one of the funnest moments of the whole year.  Every year I had to ask the Lord for that same kind of anticipation about His birth as I did about welcoming them home!  Somehow,  I knew He understood.  

Yesterday I found myself thinking about Steven Curtis Chapman´s poignant song ¨Heaven is the Face¨, written after the loss of his precious daughter.  My heart resonated with his deep longing for his daughter and for his impossible task of seeing beyond her.  Christmas for us is lost in the face of Jenna this year.  We all love God & celebrate His coming to earth as Messiah this time of year - but she is overshadowing so much of our thinking and emotions right now.  Somehow, I think He understands...

                                                  "Heaven Is The Face"

Heaven is the Face
Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, "Daddy please come play with me for awhile"

God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
So right now

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door

But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space

All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there's no one left in the orphans' bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there's no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there's no more enemy
No more

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms

Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl
Heaven in the face of my little girl

Last night as we read the familiar Isaiah 61:1-3, I was stopped in my tracks.  How much of why He came revolved around comfort!  Wow!  Out of 19 phrases in these 3 verses, 11 of them had something to do with comfort! All of a sudden Christmas changed for me.  It is alright for Christmas to be about comfort this year.  He Himself is all about comfort...  

Isaiah 61:1-3

¨The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord´s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion -

to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.¨

I am going to get busy celebrating His comfort this Christmas!  And I pray I can become more each day like that strong "oak of righteousness" talked about at the end of vs. 3.  May His splendor be displayed in the comfort He gives us this season, as well as freedom,, light, a crown of beauty, the oil of joy and that garment of praise mentioned here.  I am so glad I have reason to find joy in this season in spite of missing Jenna so very much....

³

¨For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, 

and the government will be on his shoulders. 

And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, 

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.¨ 

Is. 9:6

Here is Steven Curtis Chapman´s song if you´d like to listen (it´s beautiful!):

Heaven in the Face

Photo by:  allthecolor