WHAT'S IN A NAME?

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower.  The righteous run to it and are safe."

Proverbs 18:10

Something is bothering me.

Does it seem strange to you that in these last two very difficult years I have primarily related to God as my Shepherd?  Aspects of Him as Mighty King, Judge, High and Lofty One, Creator, Cornerstone, etc., have been difficult for me to connect to.   It's not that I don't believe these things are true of Him, it's just that I have so desperately needed certain aspects of Him during this difficult process that they have become my main lifeline to Him.  To have Him as my Comforter, Counselor, Guide and Savior has been essential to my healing.  I also have not wandered far from the Psalms in this time, finding comfort in their honesty & hope.  But I keep wondering how long this lasts...

I often struggle in worship when we sing songs about these other realms of Him.  It feels foreign, almost uncomfortable and it is somewhat upsetting to me that I can't.  If I believe He is sovereignly who He reveals Himself to be in Scripture, why is this so hard for me?

When I reflect on how His names were revealed in Scripture, though, I see human encounters with Him at points of need.  And each specific need provided an opportunity to experience Him in a certain way.  It marked their life and there was often a physical place of remembrance built to recall its significance.

When Hagar, pregnant with Ishmael, ran away from Sarai and Abram, she found herself alone in a desert.  She was in a difficult place in life and only God could have found her there, seen her need and given her direction for her - and her son's and an entire generation's - future.  She named Him "the God who sees."  (Beer Lahai Roi) (Genesis 16:14)

When less-than-confident Moses was considering God's proposal to go speak to the Pharaoh, he asked, "Who shall I say sent me?"  Did he not already know the name of his fathers' God  as the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob? He did, but he seemed to need a new revelation of God to allow him to begin to fulfill his destiny.  "I AM WHO I AM," God revealed.  (Exodus 3)

After the huge victory of the Red Sea, the Israelites began their travels and it wasn't long before there were various difficulties.  After their experience of the bitter waters of Marah, God challenged them to listen carefully to Him, to obey Him and that if they did so, they would be kept from sickness and disease: "I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians."  I'm sure they still had vivid images of the post-plague-disease-ridden Egyptians in their minds!  He reveals this to them:  "I am the Lord who heals you."  (Jehovah Rapha)  (Exodus 15)  

God has created an infinite number of unique human temperaments and personalities.  I've noticed that certain ones tend to lean towards certain names of God as their primary way of relating to Him.  We also all go through many different seasons of life and find different aspects of God especially meaningful at certain times.  I'm glad God can accommodate such variety.  He Himself is so immense and complex that there could never be one name that says it all anyway! 

Maybe I shouldn't worry so much about my limited perspective right now.  Perhaps it is still a time to enjoy the Lord as my Shepherd... It is said that that is the place where "I lack nothing."  That sounds like a good place to be! (Ps. 23:1)

Besides, as Juliet said to Romeo:

"What's in a name?  That which we call a rose,

By any other name would smell as sweet."

The Lord is indeed very sweet - no matter which name I choose to use.

Photo by:  Jack Dorsey

REDEEMER OF DEATH

Redeemer of Death,
you can bring life.
Even after the ugliest of deaths,
in spite of the bitterest of tears,
in the face of misunderstanding,
disappointment, confusion.
You did this already
on an Easter long ago.

Redeemer of Death,
who breathed this promise:
I will "bestow on them
a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...¨
You did this already
on an morning long ago.

Redeemer of Death,
You placed on the Messiah the Spirit
and sent Him to ¨bind up the brokenhearted¨
as part of His sacred mission.
You anointed Him for this,
equipped Him for it.
You did this already
on an evening long ago.

Redeemer of death,
you can bring Life
even after my daughter´s death,
even after my own heart was broken.
In the face of the impossibility
of beauty to be found in this ash heap.
You are doing this
on Easter...and every day.

You are the only one I know
who stands crowned:
Redeemer of Death.

MISSING HIS VOICE

Oh! how I miss Your voice!
I miss hearing your secrets,
hearing your insights,
even your warnings!

I sit and listen again but hear nothing.
The silence echoes & reverberates...
Sometimes it mocks me.
Sometimes it tells me it will always be like this from now on -
that pain & grief deafen your senses,
mess with your mind,
dull your abilities,
darken your capacity.

I hate to admit that in part it´s true...
That is many people´s experience.
But I am clear on this:
It will not always be this way!
It is a season.
And every season passes.
And every season has its beauty.

I used to hear Him easily...
Listening was my ¨go to¨ way to experience God.
His voice met me in various experiences & places;
I find myself lost without it!

Yet like a person struck suddenly deaf,
I am slowly learning to depend on other senses to a greater degree.
I am sharpening them as I learn to use them,
learning to compensate.
And I realize that I can experience God in so many ways!
He is not limited to my diminished senses
in this time of grief.
This is part of the beauty to be discovered in this season.

Certainly God is unlimited in His ability to communicate.
I am the one who is reaching out through human limitations,
through my wounded heart & senses,
asking Him to build my awareness,
asking Him to enhance my creativity in order to connect with Him.

So I open my heart -
to taste His goodness,
to touch His hem,
to smell His perfume...
soon enough I will hear Him,
Soon enough.
For now, the others are enough...
And they are beautiful.

But oh! How I miss His voice!



SOUND OF YOUR VOICE by Steven Curtis Chapman

Photo by:  Tangent Artifact

TENTATIVE PRAISE

“Aslan is a lion- the Lion, the great Lion." "Ooh" said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he-quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion"..."Safe?" said Mr Beaver ..."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.”

C.S.Lewis, The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe

To my un-safe but good King....  :)

Praise comes

from trembling lips

Gratitude stumbles

from mustard-seed heart

Wisdom emerges

from a terrible, yet sacred journey

Trust is budding

from this pilgrim walk.

Tears, miles, hours, prayers

all done with Him.

He has not left me.

Yet neither He has explained Himself.

He is Love and Mystery.

The storms, mountains & valleys

are not over.

I thought they were!

But this trek still has more

break-points, look-outs, summits and precipices.

It is all mapped out in tender, yet stubborn love.

I breathe in, I breathe out,

take the next step.

I stop to take in the view

And He whispers

and smiles.

If I don´t pay attention

I will miss it!

So I pause often

To see the sacred in the terrible

to find beauty in the shadows

to embrace joy in spite of 

to kiss velvety petals.

lay on green,

listen to quiet waters.

And in those moments, praise comes 

from trembling lips...






Photo by:  Jesús Pérez Pacheco

IF I WERE GOD...

If I were God,
I would have been deeply moved by the prayers of those three children tonight.
If I were God,
I would be absolutely broken alongside that desperate father pleading for the life of his beloved firstborn.
If I were God,
I would so want to help that little brother in his struggle to believe in "the God of his parents" during this suffering and give him the desire of his heart.
If I were God,
I would live to give the soul-sister the longing of her heart to see her sister´s destiny fulfilled with her own eyes.
If I were God,
I would yearn to shower mercy on the mother who has known ¨sorrow upon sorrow.¨

If I were God,
I would love to give each child a reason beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt for their friends to believe in their God.
If I were God,
I would work to keep this one on earth who has earnestly desired to fulfill the prophetic word upon her life to be a ¨mother of nations.¨
If I were God,
I would honor the faith of the leader of this family in his desire to see the God of the New Testament today.
If I were God,
I would entrust this girl with a miracle because she would handle it with reverence & give Me the glory.
If I were God,
I would love to prove to that brother the power of his words, ¨Die, cancer!  Be dried up & stepped on like dust in Jesus´ name!¨
If I were God,
I would see the honest & genuine & full surrender in each of them and bless it.

If I were God,
I would be tired by now of all the people banging on heaven´s door!
If I were God,
I would be intoxicated with the incense of the prayers of the saints on this girl´s behalf.
If I were God,
I would have run out of bottles to store all the tears in.
If I were God,
I would be amazed at the unity & restoration that has been produced through this in Málaga.
If I were God,
I would be ever so proud of the body of Christ in more than 60 nations who have faithfully implored Me.
If I were God,
I would be certainly moved by the love & sacrifice of so many towards just one common family.
If I were God,
I would have noticed those people waking up in the middle of the night to pray, skipping lunch to pray, missing a class to pray, sacrificing untold things to pray.
If I were God,
I would be rewarding the tireless intercession of thousands around the globe.

If I were God,
I would realize how much is at stake.
If I were God,
I would have to relent.
If I were God,
I would have to show up.
If I were God,
I would have to even change my mind if my plans were different.

If I were God....




Photo by:  Indiana UMC

SURRENDER

Surrender...

the place of open hands

the place of tears

the place of release

the place of the altar.

Surrender...

a laying down

a giving up

a giving to

a kneeling.

Surrender...

an abandonment

a relenting

a yielding

a resting.

Surrender...

sacred time of internal battle

intimate acquiescence

quiet mystery

cooperation.

There are many moments of surrender

with The One who is wiser and stronger.

Moments transformed into holy ground -

agonizing or peaceful,

heart wrenching or beautiful - 

God has seen all kinds.

Surrender can be

messy & emotional,

quiet & submissive,
angry & frustrated,

humble & broken.

Surrender can have different stages
 and different times. 

Some must be repeated

as understanding deepens

or there is a resurgence of

an internal battle
which must be revisited.

Whatever the stage, the moment,

the weight...

there is no greater joy than

the freedom of leaving it there.

Exchanging burden

for blessing & relief,

Wrestling
for cooperation with The Plan.

His ways are always best.

Always.

You never lose when you surrender

to the King of kings, 

to the One who loved you first.

Surrender...

the place of open hands

the place of tears

the place of release

the place of the altar.

Photo by: Mayr

LIVING ETERNITY (IN OUR HUMANITY)

Thanks for understanding my humanity...

That tender, incomplete place of struggle.

I am trapped in it,

yet my spirit yearns to see things of another world, another realm.

I reach for it, read about it, dream about it,

pray for its reality in me.

In my humanity 

there are things I can´t see clearly.

I have limitations in my understanding,

I live under man-made structures and inherit finite ways of thinking.

Today I am frustrated to be trapped in it!

I want to be free to fly & dwell in greater truths -

To receive them fully,

to live them, to see them fully activated,

completely appropriated.

She is trapped in her humanity, too.

Our whole family is trapped, captive.

How can we live in two realms at once?

How can we be pilgrims here & citizens there?

Part of a kingdom on earth & of a kingdom of heaven?

Today I feel divided, schizophrenic,

stuck in between identities & responsibilities of each kingdom.

How do I live?

How can she live above or outside her physical realities?

She is imprisoned within her human body!

Oh to be free from this body & this earth!

But if it is to be, if this dual-reality must be so,

Please give our bodies heavenly eyes,

Spirit-filled hearts,

senses aware of otherly realities,

a belief system full of heaven-truths

and love for the Eternal Creator of all these things on heaven & on earth.

I don´t wish to be like some ¨so heavenly minded they are of no earthly good.¨

He has purposes for us here on earth; we have a destiny.

Yet nor do I wish to be so ¨earthly minded they are of no heavenly good.¨

He wants us to live with our divine realities present here and now.

Jesus, how did You do it?

Live heaven on earth?

Live eternity in a limited physical body?

Understand the will of heaven for Your every move?

Live joyfully surrendered to truths of the eternal while imprisoned in Your humanness?

How did You do that?

Will You teach me?

Oh help me to align my humanity to Your divinity.

Help Jenna to experience Spirit-vitality in the midst of 

physical illness, chronic pain, unending limitations.

Help those of us around her to help create the kind of atmosphere

where Spirit-life can flourish,

where the kingdom of heaven is more real each day,

where the physical lives in submission to the spiritual,

where every day we see heaven coming down -

to touch, to bless, to fill, to transform...

Thanks for understanding my humanity...

that tender, incomplete place I struggle.

Please invade it and make it more divine.

Please let heaven come down today.

Photo by:  Michiel S.

BY FAITH WE MOVE

(This week Dani started working and Bruce left on a trip.  It was a certain act of faith to ¨move on¨ despite the current discouraging, unchanging circumstances of Jenna´s health.  We pray He will bless it.)

By faith we move towards a new season.

Before we see any iota of improvement,

with emotion and a certain uneasiness,

we take a step.

Will He bless it?

Is He watching?

Has He been waiting for this?

And could it be that she needs

to see our faith, our movement, our baby steps,

in order to take heart & make her own?

Oh please let it be so.

Make us faithful.

Strengthen our bodies.

Give us trusting hearts.

Expand our capacity to believe.

Jesus said, ¨I´m going to wake Lazarus up.¨

I heard Him say it, I read it.

And it was for her...

He is coming!

Coming to wake up her GI system.

Jesus said, ¨Get up, take your mat and go home.¨

He said this to the paralytic when he saw the faith of his friends

when they brought him to Jesus.

This is for her.

Many friends have carried her with faith -

And He sees it.

Jesus said, ¨I will build you with stones of turquoise,

your foundations with sapphires.¨

He has promised a time of rebuilding.

This is hers.

Her covenant truth with Him.

He will do it.

Oh please make her well enough 

that she can hear You through the pain,

trust You in this darkness,

receive in spite of the confusion,

respond in spite of the profound weariness.

Come, Lord Jesus.

Please come to her.

By faith we move towards a new season.

Before we see any iota of improvement,

with emotion and a certain uneasiness,

we take a step.

¨Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue.  Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the questions now.  Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.¨ 

By Rainer Maria Rilke, German poet

Photo by:  certainwellness

THE COMEBACK

I´m waiting for the comeback, Lord.

The moment when this match is turned around!

The play when the apparent ¨losers¨ make a choice,

put down a stake and say, ¨No more.¨

Sometimes it seems to start with a lucky break,

other times it´s a definite decision.

Sometimes the apparent winners get cocky

or distracted or careless.

That´s what I´m waiting for. 

My God is NOT on a losing team.

He doesn´t need any lucky breaks.

Even when it doesn´t look like it -

In the end, He still wins.

He always wins.

There is no stopping Him

or His acts of winning power.

His timing is calculated & perfect.

He knows when to show up.

He knows how to deliver,

how to shake things up,

and how to turn things around.

He´s already beat the losingest Loser in history

and announced it on a Sunday.

With resurrection & miracles & earthquakes.

That win was recorded for all mankind.

It marked history.

It separated time into BC and AD.

That´s whose team I´m on.

That´s whose team Jenna´s on.

So, I´m waiting for the comeback, Lord.

Waiting for this match to be turned around!

I´m confident in Your calculated move

and in Your precise strategy.

Your delivery will be impeccable

And the win will be breathtaking.

I am smiling now just imagining the cheers,

the joy, the undisputed delight of the passionate crowd.

I´m waiting, Lord.

I´m watching for Your move...

Photo by:  Globovision

WILL I STILL LOVE HIM?

That question was running through my mind last night, keeping me awake...

Will I still love Him?

Will I still love Him if she dies?  Can my faith survive this road of suffering, this private viewing of something so terrible?

I really, really want the answer to be YES.

But I am feeling so fragile, so vulnerable, so unrestrainedly human right now.  I feel like I can´t guarantee anything, knowing how inconstant a heart can be.

It´s not that I am a stranger to pain and loss.  I have already grieved, to varying degrees and in different seasons of life, the loss of 2 brothers, my Mom and both of my in-laws.  But this does not make me an expert or a ¨grief success story¨.  God forbid!  My heart still aches and each process was - and still is - heart-wrenchingly sorrowful.

But my daughter!  The one He formed in my womb!  My firstborn!  The one who looks so much like me and who captured me completely from the first second I met her!  Can I love Him if she is taken?

Last night the silence was deafening - second only to the pounding of my heart.

So much of the time I am consumed in praying for my children - that they can love Him in spite of this painful journey, that they can believe in goodness still.  I long for their faith to survive and I dread watching their suffering if she is taken - more than walking through my own.

But last night the questions came to me, haunting me, piercing my heart. I could only pray for tenderness toward Him, for resolve, for steadfastness, for an unbelievable experience of His mercy in all of this so that I will still believe in a God of love.

I also prayed for God´s reputation.  For what will happen in the hearts of the ones watching all of this?  Will they want to love you if You take her?  Will they be able to believe in You if You can heal her but for some reason, don´t?  Would I want to follow a God who allows children to die?   Will I be able to respond with love & faith to them in my own grief?

I whisper to Him, ¨I so want the answer to be YES.¨

Theologians have been unable to resolve the tension between God´s love & goodness and His sovereignty.  Some think it comes down to a choice between the two.  To me, it really comes down to a choice of the heart:  Will I trust the sovereign God to act lovingly on my behalf even if it   doesn´t look like it at the time? 

I have a number of dear friends who live in incredibly difficult situations.  They have seen war, unbelievable pain, have seen ugliness up close and personal, have seen human devastation and injustice - all the while crying out to God for mercy, for intervention, for some sign of goodness in all of it.  Sometimes life is very, very hard.  What will we believe about God when all around us are ashes?

I´ve come to believe that if I don´t believe in a God who can bring beauty from ashes, life from death, mercy from cruelty, redemption through terror - He is not worth believing in.  The point of a God of Life is that He can deliver it in the worst of circumstances!

I love the poignant words of Peter on behalf of the 12 disciples after many other disciples left Jesus because of some of his hard-to-swallow words and teachings.  Jesus asks them,  ¨You do not want to leave too, do you?¨ Peter answers, ¨Lord, to whom shall we go?  You have the words of eternal life.  We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.¨ (John 6:67-69)

Jesus captured my heart at 16.  He has loved me through thick and thin.  He has proved Himself to me many times over. I sincerely & utterly don´t know how to live without Him.  Wouldn´t want to live without Him.

Will I still love Him?  

Trembling, I breathe out my response:  ¨YES, forever and ever.¨

Photo by:  Michael Korchia

WHEN SHE LOSES HER SMILE

When she loses her smile

something inside me just breaks.

It´s a deep emotional-physical pain unlike anything else...

It´s the pain of watching someone suffer,

The pain of watching the struggle to endure,

The pain of wanting to take it all on myself -

and being denied.

When she loses her smile

the whole household searches for ways to bring it back -
Through humor, kindnesses, prayer, physical touch

But it is in vain.

Sometimes we can coax a little half-smile out of her weary body

But sometimes whole days pass & I don´t see it...

I turn my face and cry my pain, her pain, our family´s pain -

All because of the absence of a smile.

When she loses her smile

I also think of so many other children around the world

who have lost their smile, too.
Some for reasons too terrible to mention.

Some of them may never get their smile back.

There is such unbelievable suffering in this world 

we cannot take it in or even begin to bear it.

When she loses her smile,

I pray for them, too.

Oh, Lord!  You say there is a certain fellowship in our sufferings

A holy communion with You, the God of all Comfort

You say there is purpose and good,

You say there is character and perseverance built,

You say there is a future ability to be a hope-bearer for others.

Please let her see this,
and understand it in a way only a fellow-sufferer of Yours can...

and please,

please let it bring her a smile.

Photo by:  Anton S.

I SEEK YOUR FACE - MORE THAN YOUR HAND

                                                                                                                                                                     

I seek Your face -

more than Your hand.

I long for Your presence -

More than Your miracles.

I need Your love -

more than Your power.

Your steadfast accompaniment -

more than any other demonstration.

O God, Your nearness is my good!

Your closeness, my salvation.

I live to be with You

and to show You off to those around me.

If You grant signs & wonders -

open up seas, float bread from heaven,

heal the sick & open blind eyes -

I will praise You for Your mighty deeds!

But I will not worship the signs - or demand -

these wonders from You.

You are enough.

 I know Your works flow from who You are.

They are, in some mysterious way, inseparable

from Your very character.

You are the God of both the

Old & New Testaments.

But right now You are the God of my today -

And You are writing my testament,

My book.

I long for it to be said

that I sought Your face,

That Your presence was my highest good.

I would love for it also to be said

that there were many colors,

many wonders, many signs

That flowed from the Presence in me.

But that is Yours to write.

I seek Your face -

more than Your hand.

But both are with me.

Photo by:  Moyan Brenn

GOT LIFE?

                               

                                                                                                                                                   
We have received many wonderful notes from people this year full of love & encouragement.  Certain ones stick out in my memory because of some special message they had that seemed to go straight to my heart.

One such email arrived from our dear Canadian friend Carol who has been praying fervently & tracking closely with us through the blog & emails.  I was so touched & humbled to read that the Lord often wakes her in the middle of the night to pray for us....and she does.  She has raised the question more than once in her emails of ¨If God doesn´t seem to be answering the prayers we are making, is there another way we should be praying?¨ She is helping me to think more strategically about how to align my prayers with God´s heart.  And how can we possibly know what God´s heart is if we are not walking closely and listening intently to Him, not just telling him what we want for Jenna´s situation?

After reading the post THE TALK where we poured out our hearts about the difficult medical news  we had received about Jenna: that basically she is at the end of the road for traditional medicine and that there is no cure for her kind of cancer at this point (according to traditional medicine - you already know what we think about who has the last word!), Carol wrote reflectively about her prayers for us and some scriptures the Lord gave her to pray for us.  This is one of them:

¨I am the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in me will live, even though he dies, and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.  Do you believe this?¨  Jn 11:25

I was pierced as ¨Do you believe this?¨ jumped out at me.  If I believe that Jesus Himself is Life and that He doesn´t see our lives as linearly as we do, nor does he see this earthly life with the same eyes as we do, what is Life?  Why, it´s Jesus Himself!  And what could be our truest & most fulfilling life but being with Him in a shared spiritual state for all eternity?  He is the One who resurrects!  This earthly life can seem long & involved to us but it is really so very temporary.  While this earthly life is NOT unimportant to Him, neither is it the point!  Real life is to come!

This gave me a new perspective on Jenna´s life.  While we tend to view a young person´s death (or potential death) as tragic, a life cut short, unfulfilled destiny or a waste, God does NOT have the same perspective.  Each of us will not live a moment more or less than what is ordained for us.  And that is a full life in God´s eyes.  How could we ever understand this?  We are so trapped by earthly eyes, mind and body that only our spirit can even begin to grasp by faith some of these heavenly concepts.

Ok, so I still don´t want Jenna to go and am fighting and believing for her life, ok?!  But my heart is more peaceful as I meditate on fundamental truths that are coming alive at this time for me.  My understanding of eternal is different, my understanding of life is different, my understanding of how much I don´t understand is different!  This journey is forcing our whole family to consider beliefs, values, truths and theology that we have perhaps taken for granted or never made very personal.  The heart-harvest in each one of us has been precious as we grapple with these things.

Some people don't want me to talk about death or even accept that it is a  possibility with Jenna.  I respect this as an expression of complete faith in healing and vision for the life that Jesus brings.  I accept it as an absolute refusal to accept human words that can be damaging & even a curse.  But I do feel the need to grapple with possibilities, face possible realities & come to the place of peace in these different scenarios...because I cannot claim that what I think is best is necessarily what God thinks is best.  His thoughts are far above mine.

Believing in Jesus is not a guarantee for healing.  Believing in Jesus doesn't mean that bad or painful things will not happen to you.  It does mean we live different, supernatural realities in the middle of a physical existence.  We have eternal tools at our grasp that others who may not believe in Him don´t have.  But we live in a messed up, sin-filled world that impacts all of us more than we know.  Thankfully, this world is NOT our home.  I don't plan to make it my home or Jenna's home.

Please accept my writings as my process, my pilgrimage, my feeble attempt to walk with the Savior.  A Savior I often don't understand but whom I love & believe incapable of doing anything that in the end does  not flow from a lovingkindness that we have little or no ability to define.

Today I am so thankful that, ¨He who believes in Me will live.¨ Really LIVE.

Photo by:  Stathis Stavrionis

THE OIL PRESS OF SURRENDER

There is something deeply significant about complete surrender to God´s will.  Our process to get there is profound and intimate.  It is unique to us and demands body, soul & spirit.  It is both completely human & entirely supernatural at the same time.

It is often as well a struggle, a war, a crossroads.  It is an altar of laying down, a summit to climb and a pinnacle of release.  It is a completely mysterious surrender of human understanding, human will & of human control.

My oil press?  To fully surrender my daughter´s life to Him & His sovereign, loving plan. Any parent knows that this is our greatest sacrifice.  God also holds this sacrifice as sacred.

I find deep comfort in the scene of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.  He struggled for hours in prayer, sweating drops of blood and knowing what was going to happen to Him said, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me."  His humanity cried out in stark honesty, ¨I don´t want to do this!¨  Yet His deep spiritual surrender to God´s bittersweet plan was total:  ¨Yet not as I will, but as you will.¨ (Mt. 26:39)

The thought of Jesus´ night spent in that garden has taken on even greater significance since I read that Gethsemane means ¨oil press:¨  Surrendering to His will is not an easy process.  It is a painful pressing out of self (my will, my understanding, my fears, my loves, my ideas of the future, my ¨rights¨...) in exchange for the pure oil He produces  from the surrendered heart.

Unlike Jesus, we don´t know ¨all things.¨  But sometimes I don't think it is an advantage to know the future! And it certainly would exempt us from the need to trust God on many levels.  I sense a deep,  essential need for each  one in our family to wrestle with this and come to a place of surrender to His love, His plan, His glory, His understanding.  We need to each, in our own way, style, maturity and age, come to terms with our beliefs about God's goodness & sovereignty.  Releasing our desire to understand is a very deep place.  Choosing to believe in His deep love for Jenna - no matter what that looks like - is holy ground.

The two girls & I were talking the other day about desiring what God wants and Dani said ¨I don´t know if this is a sin or not but I think I must not desire God´s glory very much...I just don´t want His glory more than I want my sister alive!¨

We are human.  We make human confessions like this.  Even Jesus did.  This is an honest part of the process, a necessary aspect of our personal oil press.

So how do we get there?

I suspect it is unique to each of us. Everyone is unique in the first place & their walk with God is subsequently unique as well.  God uses particular - and sometimes uncommon! - tools in each of our lives.  It cost Jesus a night of wrestling in a garden with His Father.  It probably cost Him other times of wrestling before that point that went unrecorded.  It cost Israel 40 years in the wilderness.  It cost Jacob a physical fight and a lasting limp.  It cost Abraham his son (almost).  It cost Jonah 3 days of forced reflection in a smelly, big fish.  It cost Mary a normal family life.  The price & process of surrender  has many faces, many paths, many unexpected, creative God-ways to help us get there.

This will cost me many nights in an ¨olive press¨ .  I need to lay down my own human understanding of my daughter´s destiny, all the joy she gives me, what she brings to our family, the irreplaceable daughter & sister that she is, the gifts & heart that she brings to this world, the love & fun she brings to many friends, the uniqueness of Jesus that she shows to those around her, the hope she can bring to the nations, the love she could give to some man, the wonderful mother she could be, the disciples she could raise, the future she could impact...Laying all this down so that His will can be done (not even knowing what that is), stretches before me like a giant, like a battle I am unprepared for, like a sacrifice like none other...

Oh Lord, please help me walk this road!  Please hold me, counsel me, shepherd me.  Please let my love for You exceed all...especially my human understanding of what is best.  Let my love for You exceed my love even for those most dear to me.  Let me withhold nothing from you - not myself, not my daughter.  Help me in this oil press of surrender...

Help each one of us in our family to come to this place...that holy place where we realize that she has always belonged to You, only to You...and has been lent to us & to this earth for the time and purposes that You ordain in Your love & beautiful plan for all of us.  We hope her years on this earth will be many...¨Yet not as I will, but as You will.¨   (Mt. 26:39)

Photos by:   Matthew Shugart, Marco Bernardini, Chris Pencis and Micha84.

WAITING

         

Waiting

for rays of light, of hope, for sunrises & rainbows 

Waiting

for the piercing of the clouds, for fresh wind

Waiting

for smiles, for joy, for lightness

Waiting

for answers, for the proof of today´s faithfulness 

Waiting

for today´s manna

Waiting

for enough tears to be collected, enough lessons learned

Waiting

for wonders to be shown 

Waiting

for the sorrow that turns to joy & for the mourning that turns to dancing

Waiting

for the Higher Purposes to be accomplished

Waiting

for this moment´s mercies, for this day´s grace

Waiting 

for pages turned, for the new chapter

Waiting

for the greater glory

Waiting

Photo by:  splash<3

FACING GIANTS

               

Isn´t it uncanny how victories are so often followed by a quick, humbling defeat?  Or how a ¨mountaintop experience¨ can be followed up by a huge temptation?  Or how joy can so quickly dissipate with a sudden unexpected sorrow?

In this last week we have tasted a bit of that.

On the heels of good news - Jenna´s recent surgery, this movement forward, the ¨like-new intestines¨ and the creative ways the Lord spoke, came the devastating news for us of a friend´s death.  Rebecca had been fighting at another local hospital here in Málaga for her life and so many of us were praying like crazy for her and her precious family.  When she passed away, we were all shocked.  She was only 19.  We have been so sad for them, so numb at this sobering news.  And in some ways, it rocked    Jenna´s world.

Questions flooded all of our minds:  What guarantee does she have that she will live?  That she will actually be a cancer survivor?  How does God decide who lives and who doesn´t?  Which family rejoices and which family weeps? For the first time in this journey, she really came face to face with the fear of death.

When I stopped to think about it, it made sense.  It´s not that her condition could not possibly end in death; the statistics for Stage IV gastric cancer survival are not encouraging.  But the medical team from the very beginning has been going all out for a ¨curative treatment¨.  They have believed from the beginning that she can be cured - but the treatment had to be aggressive.  So we have all been relatively unafraid of death (not of suffering but of death).  But when someone else your age dies, it seems to bring it into the realm of possibility again.  At least the reality that there are no guarantees seems to rise up before you & taunt you.

We have prayed against this fear & talked openly about God´s sovereignty and people´s (well meaning but sometimes careless) statements about how ¨she will most certainly get well¨ or how ¨we´ll see how great this will all turn out¨.  Well, who but God can say that?  It´s good to stay positive - but not to use it as a form of denial either.  I don´t know what it´s like to truly fear for your child´s life - I mean really, really watch them struggle between life & death.  I cannot say how I would react.  But right now I can say that Jenna´s life & health & well-being are in God´s hands and I cannot control that - nor can anyone else.

Last night she had a bad night.  She was vomiting between 3 and 5am.  They are doing everything they can to get her intestines moving at the same rate as the nutrition is going in but it is taking some doing & a certain amount of experimenting to find the balance.  It scared us both.  ¨What if this J-tube doesn´t work?¨ she asked me with tears in her eyes this morning.  In those deep pools I saw reflected my own fear.  We talked & prayed.  But humanly speaking, we really are running out of options.  We have to get to a place of stability with the nutrition.  It seems like God is giving us an opportunity now for this...but, what if?  What if it´s not going to work?  What if the vomiting is going to continue??  These are thoughts that keep trying to haunt us.

These are giants for us this week.  

So we choose to look to God, we pick up some small stones of life experience with Him, we make declarations of truth over her & her situation and we walk out to face them with only a slingshot full of mustard-seed faith.  It doesn´t feel like much.  Our hope is: these actions have scriptural precedent.  May God help us focus on His ability in this battle & on His ¨perfect love (which) casts out all fear¨ (1John 4:18).

¨David said to Saul, ´Let no one lose heart on account of this Philistine; 

your servant will go and fight him.´¨ 

   

1 Samuel 17:32

Photo by:  Sam UL

A THANK YOU NOTE

Dearest Shepherd,

I find myself without words for the long-awaited breakthrough which came this week.  At first I didn´t even want to tell anyone; it was just too precious to blurt out!   I pondered it in my heart, savored the good news, wondered about Your choice of timing and choice of how and when to speak to me.  My heart was overflowing with melodies & gratitude, joy bubbling up with or without verse, contentment flowing, underlying it all, laying down a peaceful bed. Heavenly flower petals spilled down over me, flooding my environment with perfume.  I felt special & loved & singled out in a sacred moment – a kyros moment You chose to act in within Your perfect kingdom plan.

Thank You for Your perfect timing.  Thank You for lessons learned.  Thank You for holding me up so many weary days.  Thank You for helping me to walk with my kids in their faith walk without having to have all the answers.  Thank You for giving Jenna special grace.  Thank You for Your quiet but steady presence in all of this.  Thank You for my husband´s steady hand and careful attention to us in a complex year.

Lord, I bless Your work that I cannot see.  I bless the people around us so that they can see Jesus in spite of our simple humanity.  I bless the pieces You are putting together for the extension of Your kingdom in this world.  I bless the doctors´ understanding in the coming months of the situations yet to arise.  I bless my children and how their lives will be affected forever by this year.  I bless my    husband´s faith & our tenderness as a couple to bless others with the same compassion & unselfish caring that has been shown to us.  I bless even the difficult things to come, the suffering still to be endured, the unanswerable questions & the losses.  I bless Your work in and through us and its ripple effect throughout the world on others.  I bless all You do, even when I can´t see it.

Thank You for the special things of this week: the ways You spoke to me, the surgery for Jenna, the ¨like new¨ intestines she sports, the grace for Jordan at school & in futbol, the amazing provisions for Dani and how You are speaking to Bruce & comforting him while he is far from us.

I´ll love You forever.  As David wrote in Psalm 74:12, ¨God is my King from my youth.¨ This is true with me and I can think of no greater joy & privilege in this life than to pilgrim with You.

I am Yours always!

Pam