MOTHER-WINGS

For my treasures, Daniela & Jordan

How my mother-wings long to stretch out over & around them!
Protecting, insulating, harboring...
I long to be a barrier between them & life.
Perhaps because there has been so much in the last year that I have been unable to control,
that now I feel an overwhelming desire to overprotect them -
from pain, sadness, from all that goes wrong, from defeat, rejection & shaken theology.
It is not right that they experience any more pain!
Any hint of potential hurt feels almost unbearable to me.
I feel so helpless before their vulnerability, so inadequate to shield them!

I never have been the hovering type -
but that was before tragedy touched us.
That was before our hearts were broken,
before our lives were changed forever.
Now I want the future to look differently,
And their safety has taken on an inordinate priority!
I have never been as conscious of their emotional safety in all my years as a mother.

Herein lies my struggle - the struggle  of all mothers, really -
I cannot keep them safe from everything.
Mother-wings are not enough.
Oh what a defeating thought for the mother bear inside me!

There is only one thing to do...
the thing that is always right to do...
surrender them to the One with Father-wings,
to the One who is Omni-Everything to them in all places & at all times - I cannot be that.

Help my heart at this altar place, Lord.
Help me in this surrender of my babies!
Help me to surrender the safety of their heart, their emotions, their well-being, their relationship with You, their self-confidence...
Help me in this stubborn wrestling to see them be insulated from what feels like a very big, bad world right now.
And please help me lay down my parental weapons and any illusions of control.

They really are safest in your Omni hands.
My Mother-wings are good for certain times & places -
Your Father-wings are good at all times and in all places!
Their safety is, in reality, only ever in Your control, in Your hands...
in the Shadow-Sanctuary of Your very Almighty wings.

ELEGANT WARRIOR (Thru a Sister´s Eyes)

I´m so happy to have Dani share a post...a lovely tribute to her big sister!  

We are so glad she can be here at this time; she´s been such an encouragement.

Her gaze...

Her contemplative gaze, encompassing the whirling thoughts, desires, and emotions of her heart.  Her distant gaze that reveals only a small fraction of the overflowing thoughts that go on in her mind and  that is more than my mind can process.  Her pensive gaze that reveals, yet simultaneously hides, the secrets of her soul.  Her gaze, that heart wrenching gaze that with profound desire looks through the glass doors that keep her captive inside the hospital walls.

Some may think of her as closed or private, and understandably so, considering the scorching fire life is putting her through at this time. But she is only closed to those who have not watched her closely enough, or long enough, or have not simply sat with her, observing her, looking into her - into her eyes.  Her deep-set eyes are a window into her soul through which she shares many of her deepest secrets. They may not be put into words, but if you look closely enough, her eyes that are so profoundly marked by many kinds of suffering, say all that needs to be said, tell all that needs to be told.

Her smile...

A reflection of her humble acceptance of trying circumstances, blaming no one for her pain.  Her smile, completely void of bitterness, overflows with grace, innocence, and simplicity.  Her graceful and hopeful smile humbles those around her for taking for granted the freedom of life.  She does this with oblivion and without judgment;  it is simply the sweetness of her spirit that brings unknowing conviction.  

As we fight back tears all the way to the hospital and while in the waiting room, she throws up without ceasing, or is wrenching in pain while we all sit close by unable to take her pain away - but a smile always follows. Her sweet smile full of acceptance, forgiveness and hope - and completely void of bitterness.

As we all sit around her talking animatedly, telling stories, she looks from face to face with wide eyes full of anticipation, soaking in every word, overcome by the pleasure of being surrounded by those who love her so deeply, trying to cheer her, being with her, accompanying her.

Her peace...

Just like the peace seen on the face of a sleeping baby.  Her face, her body language, her voice, her whole self radiates with a peace that surpasses all understanding – or at least mine.  There is a sweetness about her very being that no matter how hard I try, I cannot understand; simply watching her sleep brings immediate tears to my eyes. I cannot wrap my head around the sweetness that her presence projects.  

However, though peaceful and sweet, it is not weakness. Despite the frailty of her physical condition and her constant awareness of her lack of energy, there is a deep, inner strength that she has, that has been given to her from the One above. It is an animalistic strength that her elegant body disguises, that the sweetness of her spirit overpowers, and the boldness of her smile, amidst the suffering, camouflages. Yet it is bluntly evident to all those who see her fight for her life every day.

From this stems her indescribable beauty. Just as I cannot understand how she can express such integrity through her smile, her gaze, and retain the hope and the peace that she does, so I cannot comprehend how someone can be so naturally beautiful and possess such raw strength. Whether she laughs joyfully, smiles gently, or cries sorrowfully, whether she is awake or asleep, there is an unfathomable and indescribable beauty about her presence, one that must come from the One who abides within her, never leaving nor forsaking her.  

For me, Jenna’s striking beauty and perseverance are a declaration of the glory of God, just as the heavens and the earth are.  The fact that she is a miraculous creation of art is not a topic up for debate - it is a fact. And here I am, holding the privilege of being by her side daily, watching her fight continuously, yet unable to protect her from this pain or take it away from her. I feel completely unworthy to be the sister of such a stunning, elegant warrior, but I praise God for this opportunity, and I praise God for allowing me to see Him through my gorgeous sister who He so beautifully, intricately, and wonderfully knit together.

I love you, Jenna <3

1st Photo on the beach by:  Rachel Donahue