JESUS´ SACRED GRIEF MISSION

Did you know that part of Jesus´ sacred mission on earth was to care for the brokenhearted?  Did you know the whole ¨beauty for ashes¨ thing is for real?  There have been days I found it hard to believe  yet I have been struck lately with the prominence of verses given to this subject - particularly in this classic passage of Scripture about the Messiah´s mission:

¨The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me 

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord´s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion -

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,

the oil of joy instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.¨ 

Isaiah 61:1-3

I have highlighted the phrases directly related to grief within this sacred mission statement and they are about half!  This part of His healing ministry has great significance (not to take away from the others).  In fact, at the end of vs.3, it says this:

¨They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.¨ 

Isaiah 61:3

The powerful yet tender transformation required to take the ones who are broken and grieving, sad, exhausted, depressed, in darkness, unable to cope or function on certain days, angry, confused, in faith crises, with their whole life on hold and their physical health on edge is absolutely stunning.  The beauty for ashes thing is not a joke.  Nor is it a dream.  But it is impossible -  except for the Redeemer of Grief and Death, the Transformer of ashes and all that is grey.  Only He can turn all that into a beautiful, colored garland to be worn on our head where all can see it.

To take a hurting, brokenhearted person from the ash heap of death and transform them into an ¨oak of righteousness¨ is nothing short of a miracle!  The fact that these people become ¨a planting of the Lord ¨ shows that it is an intimate, personal work done by the Redeemer Himself.  The incredible end result of this redemptive work is ¨the display of His splendor.¨  Wow!  As he is transforming me in my grief process, he is using it as part of his sacred mission in this world to show Himself!  I get to be part of that!

If you are grieving, please know that the Savior is very near and very committed to helping you get to the other side.  He is for you and He shows it in these verses.  For your broken heart, there is a binding up. for your mourning, there is comfort, for your grief, there is provision, for the ashes of death there is a crown of beauty, for your mourning there is an oil of joy and for the spirit of heaviness or despair, there is a garment of praise.  Some days these may seem a million miles away...but they will come.

Beauty does rise and Jesus is on mission to provide for your grief! 

Graphic by distelfliege

REDEEMER OF DEATH

Redeemer of Death,
you can bring life.
Even after the ugliest of deaths,
in spite of the bitterest of tears,
in the face of misunderstanding,
disappointment, confusion.
You did this already
on an Easter long ago.

Redeemer of Death,
who breathed this promise:
I will "bestow on them
a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...¨
You did this already
on an morning long ago.

Redeemer of Death,
You placed on the Messiah the Spirit
and sent Him to ¨bind up the brokenhearted¨
as part of His sacred mission.
You anointed Him for this,
equipped Him for it.
You did this already
on an evening long ago.

Redeemer of death,
you can bring Life
even after my daughter´s death,
even after my own heart was broken.
In the face of the impossibility
of beauty to be found in this ash heap.
You are doing this
on Easter...and every day.

You are the only one I know
who stands crowned:
Redeemer of Death.

LETTING GO OF GRIEF

There comes a time in the grief journey when grieving becomes almost comfortable.  It's familiar, it's daily, it's a loyal companion.  For some, it may be a subtle way of getting desired attention, extra space, kindnesses or pity.   Grief seems to take on a personality of it's own and becomes jealous and greedy of your healing - so much so that it threatens to become your identity instead of just your process.  In a strange turn of events, grief can become a deceptive, clingy, over-friendly enemy.  Recognizing and confronting this comfortableness at the time that is right for you is crucial to ongoing healing.

While everyone's grief experience is unique, for me I started to become aware of this certain comfortableness through two feelings I had not had for a very long time:  occasional boredom and restlessness.  Subtle tensions began to arise between the desire to protect myself from any external energy drainers outside of grief and some actual thoughts of wanting to do more.  Because of my flexible work, my overwhelmingly understanding co-workers and a little bit of prior experience with grief, I gave myself a lot of permission to grieve.  I am still in process but I can honestly say that I have been proactive with the counsel given to me.  So when these prickings of the heart and mind began to come, they were strange and not entirely welcome.

I began to have a series of thoughts in certain opposition to each other like:

"Have I been giving myself too much permission to grieve?"  "What if I start doing more and it is too anxiety-producing?" "What if I don't have the capacity for more?"  "How much is just right?" "What have I been doing with my life?!" "I don't want to do the wrong things before who I know who I'm supposed to be!"  "Who AM I supposed to be?"  "Does this mean I am forgetting her?"

It wasn't until I started paying more attention to the significance of these things and seeing the guilt and confusion for what it was: growing pains - that I could begin to move forward again.  I am beginning to acknowledge that I feel out of practice at being busy & productive and am not at all sure I want to go back there.  I long to do things from a deeper place and this whole experience has changed some of my priorities.  Some days I feel completely overwhelmed at the thought of all the catching up I have to do - relationally, professionally, physically, personally.  So many things have been put on hold since Jenna´s illness and death.  There are so many things I have not done - let alone done well - in these last 2 years.  How will I ever catch up?

Like all fears that immobilize us, how will I know if I don´t try?  I sense it´s time to step out on some things, to begin to experiment with my energy level and capacity for people, activity & work.  The work I have done on a limited basis has sometimes been exhausting but for the most part I'm happy that they have been almost all successful even if they were short-term.

I don´t regret the choices I've made thus far.  It has had to be this way in order for me to do my most important jobs: grieve and help my family.  I have a friend who also lost a daughter unexpectedly in her early 20´s who says, ¨Grieving is a full-time job; everything else you do is overtime!¨ Who knows where I would be if I hadn´t fully given myself to the task?  I could be ahead in a lot of other things and a mess inside.

Committing to long term projects is scary...there are many what ifs in my mind taunting me.  What if I fall back into a dark time and lose my strength?  What if I fall apart at some important presentation?  What if I commit to  a trip and then find myself miserable?  What if I commit to something six months away and my kids are in crisis?  Then again, don't we all face what ifs in life?  Are mine really that different?

These growing pains have got my attention.  I know this for sure:  I do NOT want to hold onto grief just because it is familiar!  It must be in its proper place and serve its rightful task.  I pray for discernment and strength as I walk forward into the future that looks so very different now...

FROZEN

I have stared at this picture for countless hours since Jenna left us.  It is the last family photo of us captured here on this earth, made priceless the day she died.  Our family seems frozen in time to me here.  When I think of our family, this is still the way I think of us...Five...our perfect number. 

In this photo, the love, the joy, even the hope that is captured here with our beautiful Jenna in the middle seem stopped in time.  It´s as if our ¨family clock¨ stopped that day.  This reminds me of the scene in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes where the old family clock was stopped at the death of the much loved Ruth.  This is apparently a Victorian tradition, done for reasons from respect to superstition  to a symbolic marking of how time stood still when their loved one died and a new period of existence started without time.

Time didn´t really seem to exist or have importance in the first period of time after Jenna died.  It is extremely frustrating and confusing to grieving people in general that life stubbornly seems to march on right in the face of your devastation.  You feel like shouting to the world, ¨Stop!  Don´t you realize I just lost my daughter?!  You can´t go on like this as if nothing ever happened!¨  Very slowly, you have to step back into the world in some ways (even though you may not want to) and even more slowly, you begin to engage in time-related events with others.  But time - and life - have changed forever and your heart and entire life and future are marked to prove it.  There is a clear and definitive before and after.

None of us can describe our family without Jenna.   We are still unsure of how to answer questions about our family when we meet someone new.  It seems both untrue & almost irreverent to say I only have 2 kids...Jenna is still so very real to me!  Yet here on this earth my reality is two.  For now, I tend to answer, ¨I have 3 children, one in heaven and 2 here.¨ I recently asked Jordan how he answers if someone asks about his siblings.  ¨It depends on who it is and how much I think they want to know, ¨ he said. It´s a very difficult position for all of us to be put in.  Jenna was ripped from the anchoring middle place of our family unit, destabilizing us forever.  We are all still struggling to accept this reality.  We are still unsure of who we really are as a family.

It´s inevitable and natural that family changes.  The kids move on, move out, grow up, start independent lives, new families - it happens.  I had already begun to experience that with both girls stateside at university.  But being ripped out?  That is different.  It is violent, traumatic, sad...we are still reeling some days, still adjusting, still struggling with our new number of four... Four!

So many days I look back longingly at our "frozen family."  The family we have known is captured whole in this precious moment.  I can still remember that day - the weather, the sound of laughter, the different positions we stood in, the dear friends we were with and their voices and clicking cameras.  It is stopped in time in my mind yet full of life and the present at the same time.

Although I cannot relive or restore this captured moment except in my mind, I do have this memory  to treasure.  This paradox of the juxtaposition of past and present is a tender reality I hold in trembling hands.  While in some ways still ¨frozen in time¨, thankfully, we are indeed very much alive.

This photo may always capture the essence of our family to us.  It will always be precious and irreplaceable.  It may always feel both past and present to our hearts...both are very much a part of us, infinitely important pieces of who we are.



Family picture by the lovely Becca Brown

  

I'LL BE WATCHIN' YOU...

We are really not sure if Jenna can see us or not but 

we often feel like she is a part of the cloud of witnesses cheering us on.

In your moments proud

on your biggest days

when your heart is heavy

yet you rise again

when your courage spurs

others on to good

when you celebrate loudly

or quietly love

when you cross a finish line

at your life events...

I'll be watchin' you.

When you love Him well

when you pour out your heart

when you whisper prayers

or bless with your art

when you fall in love

or you graduate

when you learn something new

or new vision create

when you live victorious

and of course, when you smile...

I'll be watchin' you.

When you write that book

when you dance on that stage

when you kick that goal

or a new nation engage

when you make a new friend

or forgive one that´s old
overcome a weakness

or cover someone´s cold

when you give ´til it hurts

and you love to the end...

I´ll be watchin´you.

When you cry for me

yet persevere

when you wonder and question

 but trust Him to be near 

When you rest in love

and choose to walk forward

when you follow your call

in spite of your sorrow
when you mourn honestly
yet look for the beauty...
I´ll be watchin´ you.

When you change the world

as you live bigger than I

when you blow others away

with a legacy 10 times mine

when you see me in yourself

and it brings a smile

yet you freely live as you
embracing that unique profile 

when you make Him relevant

and bring Him to the unloved...

I´ll be watchin´ you.

When you find ¨the one¨

who´s all you´ve dreamed

when you have your babies

and they look like me :)
when you carve out your life,
live adventures & dreams

when you love your new family
yet honor your old team
When there´s the gift to be together
sharing lessons & laughter...
I´ll be watchin´ you.

When you finish each season

and live each moment

full and rich it stands to reason
you draw closer to me, to all eternity

and when your yearning grows

and your story is told

When your work is done

and the witnesses´ cheer is bold

when you finish your race

and you cross through the veil...
Well,

I´ll be watchin´ you...

and waiting for you...

and hugging you...

and introducing you...

to your new eternal friends

to your new perfect home

and bringing you to the One

who loved you first and best.

And then we will live...

really live...

...happily ever after.

Photo by:  Jan Jespersen

MISSING HIS VOICE

Oh! how I miss Your voice!
I miss hearing your secrets,
hearing your insights,
even your warnings!

I sit and listen again but hear nothing.
The silence echoes & reverberates...
Sometimes it mocks me.
Sometimes it tells me it will always be like this from now on -
that pain & grief deafen your senses,
mess with your mind,
dull your abilities,
darken your capacity.

I hate to admit that in part it´s true...
That is many people´s experience.
But I am clear on this:
It will not always be this way!
It is a season.
And every season passes.
And every season has its beauty.

I used to hear Him easily...
Listening was my ¨go to¨ way to experience God.
His voice met me in various experiences & places;
I find myself lost without it!

Yet like a person struck suddenly deaf,
I am slowly learning to depend on other senses to a greater degree.
I am sharpening them as I learn to use them,
learning to compensate.
And I realize that I can experience God in so many ways!
He is not limited to my diminished senses
in this time of grief.
This is part of the beauty to be discovered in this season.

Certainly God is unlimited in His ability to communicate.
I am the one who is reaching out through human limitations,
through my wounded heart & senses,
asking Him to build my awareness,
asking Him to enhance my creativity in order to connect with Him.

So I open my heart -
to taste His goodness,
to touch His hem,
to smell His perfume...
soon enough I will hear Him,
Soon enough.
For now, the others are enough...
And they are beautiful.

But oh! How I miss His voice!



SOUND OF YOUR VOICE by Steven Curtis Chapman

Photo by:  Tangent Artifact

THE ALMOND BLOSSOMS OF WINTER

I spent 3 hours this morning with two of my besties here in Spain talking, praying and reflecting as we like to do.  We express our hearts about what life is bringing at present while the others listen intently first to the sharer, then to God.  Insights, scriptures, word pictures and phrases often catch in our souls for one another and we talk about them and pray for each other.  I frankly don´t know what I´d do without them.

After a rather emotional time for me this morning expressing my present dark phase, they were undaunted and listened intently to God on my behalf.  They heard some amazing, encouraging things and ministered to me with such compassion that I left sensing light and also, a literal turning point. 

Later in the afternoon, one of them wrote to me and said that while she was driving to an appointment she noticed that the almond trees are blossoming here in Andalucía.  I had noticed it, too, the day before; they are the first to bloom here.  But today it caught her attention because we had talked a lot about vineyards and pruning and seasons; I myself expressed that I was definitely in a ¨winter¨ season with little progress to notice at first glimpse.  But we reflected on the well-known fact that winter, while to the eyes seems like a barren time, really has some profound things going on.  This is the time of year when, underneath the soil, the roots are going deep.  During the sometimes long, dark, cold season of winter, there is much more than meets the eye!  It is a time to trust and believe in what is really happening  - and in what is to come.

But to think that some things actually blossom in the winter!  That was a fresh thought to me today. To think what it must be for almonds to blossom earlier than everything else!  What must their secret be?

The almond tree is the first to blossom and the last to bear fruit.  Almond trees are present in the Scriptures and are particularly associated with ¨one of the earliest prophecies of young Jeremiah.¨* 

¨The word of the Lord came to me:  ¨What do you see, Jeremiah?¨ 

¨I see the branch of an almond tree, ¨ I replied.  

The Lord said to me, ¨You have seen correctly,

 for I am watching to see that my word is fulfilled.¨    

 Jeremiah 1:11, 12

It gets even better:  The Hebrew word for almond, shaked, is also translated ¨to watch¨.  By seeing the almond branch, God assured Jeremiah that He is watching over His word to bring it to pass, no matter the passage of time.¨*  Almonds are clearly associated with God's watchful presence and promises for future fulfillment of His promises - even during our most wintry of times.

The almond trees around Andalucía where I am blessed to live are just coming alive this week and I am so touched to see their faith-filled prelude to spring.  The Almendros and their flowers are a symbol of awakening and hope - to all that God promises to watch over and fulfill.

May your day be blessed with (literal and/or figurative) almond blossoms! 

Photos in order of appearance:  Sydney and Theophilus Papadopoulos

Quote from:  Dr. Juergen Buehler, ICEJ (Int´l Christian Embassy in Jerusalem) Executive Director

THE SHOULDS

People think I should be in a different place -
be doing more things,
engaging & reacting,
committing & applying,
running & attending,
producing & processing...
everything in a way they imagine to be normal or right.
Maybe it´s how they think they would fare
if they were in my shoes.
How they would do it better, faster.

¨Just give me my grief!¨
I want to yell at them.
You can´t take it from me, or rush my process.
You can´t change my pain or do it for me or
impose your ways on my process.
Only I can do it.
I must walk this road alone,
in my own way.

It´s not that I want to be here.
It´s that I must be here.
And it does not mean I don´t need you.
I do need you -
loving, cheering, encouraging.
Not preaching or rescuing or pushing.

Just hold my hand.
Just be quiet.
Just be there.
Just love me in spite of this sadness,
this loneliness, tiredness, confusion, depression, fear.

I know I am hard to love right now.
I am sorry!
Please forgive me.
Please believe in me when I cannot believe in myself.
Please believe in who I will yet be,
in who I am becoming
on this road.

And please, help protect me from all the ¨shoulds¨ -
both my own & those imposed by others.



Photo by:  Connie Smith

IN THESE SHADOWS

In these shadows
I read
looking for inspiration, hoping for revelation...
but there are only words on a page.
I speak
looking for understanding, hoping for compassion...
but there is only empty advice.
I sleep
looking for sweet rest, hoping for refreshment...
but there is only restlessness & continual fatigue.
I pray
looking for light, hoping for relief...
but there is only a void.
I listen
looking for the Voice, hoping to hear it...
but there is only silence.

Oh God!  I cannot see you or find You!
Please reveal Yourself to me!

And if You are here in disguise,
present in ways I have not known before,
please open my eyes, my heart
to perceive, to believe.

In these shadows
help me to read words of life,
find compassion,
sleep the sleep,
see the Light,
and hear the Voice.

In these shadows
help me see past the camouflage of perceptions of God,
past the veil of sadness blinding me,
past the smoke screen of emotions dominating me,
past the illusions of who I should be...
past the veneer of how and where I think I should find You.

I don´t ask You to remove me from these shadows -
just that I can find You here among them.





Photo by:  Sundaram Ramaswamy

BROKEN STRIDE

(On differing styles & paces during grief in marriage.)

There used to be a certain comfortable pace to ¨us,¨
A togetherness of steps in this life journey.
There were, of course, out-of-step times occasionally,
But as a whole, we moved forward together in stride.

When our world crashed
and grief moved in,
our Stride was Broken.
For a while, we were both immobile
and time didn´t exist.
But as we began to move again,
everything was different;
as we began to stir,
we could see that our whole world had changed.

They told us that grief was a ¨two steps forward, three steps back¨ kind of thing.
But his forward steps were her backwards steps,
and when he was going backwards, she was moving forward.
Alignment began to elude us;
And we struggled, trying to recover our former rhythm.

The tempos were offbeat,
the gaits contrasting,
the pain distinct,
the headway disparate.
When he experienced acceleration,
she crashed.
While he rejoiced with new momentum,
she retreated to barely standing.
When she spoke of their grief articulately,
he struggled through tears to make sense to others.
When he marched or ran or on occasion raced,
she trudged, plodded or stumbled.
Sometimes he crashed -
and she lifted him up...
only to watch him catch the wind and fly off again.
Sometimes he slowed
and tried to gently carry her with him.
She travelled for a short stint -
but struggled out of his arms to walk her own necessary path.

There are two unmistakably distinct (and necessary) strides.
They are strange and scary to us both.
So the question is:
Can we be ok with this for a while?

Can we adjust to this unfamiliar divergence of paths?
Can we shoulder the loneliness of it?
Can we - for the sake of love & healing -
carry the weight of the frustrations and comparisons inherent in it?
Can we hold on to hope that we will learn a new pace -
possibly very different from the one before?

Each stride carries different scenery, experiences, relationships, emotions.
Neither stride is wrong -
but they are different.

Can we learn to find rest points together along the way
to regroup, listen & learn?
Can we respect the other person´s need for a different style and tempo?
Are we willing to take time & energy from other things to readjust?
Are we willing to live for a while with a Broken Stride?

There used to be a certain pace to ¨us,¨
A togetherness of steps in this life journey...
Our pace has changed & now there are two.
We may look awkward, we might not understand,
but we are moving -
and for now that is victory.




Photo by:  Billy Wilson

STILL A CHRISTMAS ALLELUIA*

If there is pristine white
and the exquisite, perfect scent of pine from the greens,
If there's a deliciously lit tree with jubilant colors and the perfect amount of twinkling,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there's a poignant conversation with a loved one,
or a special exchange with a dear friend.
If there is music in unexpected places that surprises & stirs you,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there's comfort & art in the food,
If there's joyful laughter and the earthy smell of cinnamon.
If there are orange crackling fires and warm sweaters,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there's deep longing & anticipation in the advent waiting,
If there are tears of remembrance at an absence,
If there are questions & hesitancy on establishing new traditions,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there is beauty in carols or decorations or in people,
If there are ribbons or stockings or thankfulness,
If there are candles and melodies and mistletoe,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there is thought & action & blessing of those in need,
If there is genuine service & sacrifice to those without,
If there is thought and prayer for those struggling, for those far away,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there is pain in a heart for another, silent tears on cheek,
If there are gestures outside of self or love outside the familiar,
If there is filling of empty places & warmth for frozen lives,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there are cards to be opened with affection,
If there are secrets & winks & loving conspiracies,
If there are yuletide books & peppermint & mugs of steaming hot chocolate,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there are children & laughter & rosy cheeks,
If there are lists & traditions & long-awaited winter break,
If there are special holly-wrapped programs & events to celebrate the season,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there is family to be picked up at the airport,
If there is love and togetherness at long last,
If there are smiles and full cups and hearts,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there is growing closeness to the Savior born,
If there is new wonder at an old, old story,
If there is joy come upon the world,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there is joy or sorrow or a melancholy mingling of both,
If there is grief rekindled in the midst of the delight,
If there is soul in your carols, and salty tears amidst the sweet,
It´s still a Christmas Alleluia.



*Just want to acknowledge Chris Tomlin's new song of similar title "A Christmas Alleluia".

https://youtu.be/j-roVacU27M

Photo by:  Nana B. Agyei

SAUDADES* (for JENNA)

Written with big love & appreciation on the occasion of Karol's

 Masters Recital.  Karol, one of Jenna's dear Brazilian friends, generously

 dedicated her amazing performance to Jenna's memory.  (Post forthcoming on her recital!)

Saudades*...
There is no other word for our longing
for this lovely soul.

For this lover of nations,
For this allegiant, lively friend,
For this ardently devoted fan of family.
Saudades.

For the head thrown back in laughter,
For the smile that lit the room,
For the elegant, mysterious way she carried herself,
Saudades.

For the cultural (& abundant!) odysseys in the kitchen,
For the practical jokes & bets,
For the deep philosophy at night,
Saudades.

For the opinions readily shared,

For the causes & principles she believed in,

For the zealous passion that spilled out around her,

Saudades.

For the broken heart for the poor & oppressed,

For the dreams & vision to make a difference,

For the intolerance for mediocre or indifference,

Saudades.

For the silent hours over a book or journal,

For the prayers poured out with paint or ink,

For the tender strumming of strings & heart,

Saudades.

For the love of learning & discovering,

For the insight & wisdom gently offered,

For the gift of bringing out the best in those around her,

Saudades.

For the genuine, honest heart,

For the last minute running with mate in hand,

For the stunning, natural beauty she was oblivious to,

Saudades.

For the love running over for God,

For the deep & authentic relationship,

For the passionate quest & journey for Love Himself,

Saudades.

For the uncommon global citizen who lived among worlds,

For the one who was nevertheless equally rooted & grounded,

For the girl who always came back to those she loved,

Saudades.

For the one who fought to live,

For the beauty & peace in her final surrender to the Master Plan,

For the one who went back home to the One she loves,

Saudades.

Saudades...

There is no other word for our longing 

For this lovely soul.

*Saudades:  An untranslatable Portuguese word referring to the "melancholic longing or yearning...it is an evoking of a sense of loneliness and incompleteness...poignant sadness, indolent, dreaming wistfulness."                       - from blog.dictionary.com

Photo by:  Carolina Franceschini, taken in Lebanon last year

JUST STAND

"...after you have done everything...stand." 

 Ephesians 6:13b

There are days in this last year plus that just getting out of bed has been a huge victory.  Standing and walking have been huge, too.  In the midst of a fierce, draining battle, standing is actually quite a remarkable and courageous act.

I know these verses are clearly couched in the heart of some of the most powerful and specific teaching on spiritual warfare in the NT.  Sometimes we differentiate between "trials" and "spiritual warfare" when really there is a complex overlap.  Isn't it all about living in a visible earthly realm with a heavenly invisible perspective?  Isn't it all about "making known the mystery" through our lives - especially in our suffering - whatever the catalyst or form our suffering has?  It may be that "simply standing" shows others God's amazing grace in far more tangible & dramatic ways than walking or running.

I have yet to meet someone who likes to be weak or to just "be standing" but if we had any kind of perspective on what it takes for a lot of us to "just stand", they would hold our deepest respect!

On my days when discouragement hovers over me because I get caught up focusing on how long it is taking to recover my physical strength & energy during this time of grief, how little I seem to accomplish in a day compared to before, the anxiety that quickly rises up in me in the face of any stress, the yo-yo of emotions that still overwhelm me, my lack of usual vision & passion in our work, my diminished emotional capacity for people and the spiritual questions that haunt me...I have to remind myself that it is just a day for standing.  "Just stand," He whispers to me, "Today, just stand."

So I am trying to rest in my standing.  To be patient in my standing, to be ok with my standing.  To let others stand with me and to let the world see that I am "just standing" at a time when I could be laying down.  Oh I pray they will see the mystery and grace of my standing!

In the words of Melbourne Street Artists Avant-Garde:

First photo by:  Hamed Masoumi

MOTHER-WINGS

For my treasures, Daniela & Jordan

How my mother-wings long to stretch out over & around them!
Protecting, insulating, harboring...
I long to be a barrier between them & life.
Perhaps because there has been so much in the last year that I have been unable to control,
that now I feel an overwhelming desire to overprotect them -
from pain, sadness, from all that goes wrong, from defeat, rejection & shaken theology.
It is not right that they experience any more pain!
Any hint of potential hurt feels almost unbearable to me.
I feel so helpless before their vulnerability, so inadequate to shield them!

I never have been the hovering type -
but that was before tragedy touched us.
That was before our hearts were broken,
before our lives were changed forever.
Now I want the future to look differently,
And their safety has taken on an inordinate priority!
I have never been as conscious of their emotional safety in all my years as a mother.

Herein lies my struggle - the struggle  of all mothers, really -
I cannot keep them safe from everything.
Mother-wings are not enough.
Oh what a defeating thought for the mother bear inside me!

There is only one thing to do...
the thing that is always right to do...
surrender them to the One with Father-wings,
to the One who is Omni-Everything to them in all places & at all times - I cannot be that.

Help my heart at this altar place, Lord.
Help me in this surrender of my babies!
Help me to surrender the safety of their heart, their emotions, their well-being, their relationship with You, their self-confidence...
Help me in this stubborn wrestling to see them be insulated from what feels like a very big, bad world right now.
And please help me lay down my parental weapons and any illusions of control.

They really are safest in your Omni hands.
My Mother-wings are good for certain times & places -
Your Father-wings are good at all times and in all places!
Their safety is, in reality, only ever in Your control, in Your hands...
in the Shadow-Sanctuary of Your very Almighty wings.

FIX MY EYES

"Then Peter got down out of the boat,
 walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and,
 beginning to sink, cried out, " Lord, save me!"

Matthew 14:29, 30

Fix

my eyes

on the One.

Who knows, who loves, who cries.

Set

my heart 

on the immovable Rock.

Who stabilizes, secures, is unyielding.

Quiet 

my mind

on enduring Truth and Goodness.

My underpinning, my bedrock, my infrastructure.

Align 

my body

to the healing road of Life.

Sound, flourishing, wholeness.

Fix all of me, God,
on Your face.

And on Your extended hand to me.

The one stretched out across the rising waves all around me -

For You are ready to save.

I see it in Your face;
it is fixed with love on me.

Save me, O God,

from this ocean of emotions!

from tumultuous waves of fear & sadness,

from tides of regret & loss...

Calm the storm - the one inside me.

Fix 

my eyes, 

O God.

My heart, mind & body, too.

Focus all of me...on all of You.

Fix 

my eyes.

¨...let us run with perseverance the race 

marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes

on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...¨

Hebrews 12:1,2

Photo by:  Vagelis Kalampalikis

LOOKING FOR THE BEAUTY

¨He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...

to comfort all who mourn...to provide for those who grieve...

bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, 

the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise

 instead of a spirit of despair. ¨ 

Isaiah 61:1-3

In the midst of this pain, Lord,

Make me attentive.

Attentive to unexpected beauty.

Help me to see it, to perceive it.

Let me be in synch

with the Spirit´s redemptive craftsmanship

against this backdrop of tragedy.

A backdrop of ugly rawness, 

painful memories & the smoldering of death.

You say You will bring beauty -

Beauty from the ashes of death,

from the ashes of mourning...

You say You can transform even that.

So let me discern, O Lord,

this promised artistry.

Let me participate in its unfolding,

delight in its telling,

take comfort in its transforming blessing.

Grace my head, O King,

with the garland of beauty.

Grace my heart & life

with restored joy,

with laughter,

with dancing and song.

Make me attentive, Lord,

to the beauty.

Photo by:  Noukka Signe

BRINGING HEAVEN DOWN

They talk to me about eternal -
that "1,000 years is like a day"
or "in the blink of an eye"
or the "thin veil" that separates us
from the wonder of heaven.

But I am here, trapped, in the temporal
and every day is an uncountable number
of blinks of an eye.
A day can feel like a 1,000 years.
And the veil may as well be the Great Wall of China.
Eternity feels so very far away.

Does is it seem unfair to be stuck here?
With loved ones & promises & perfection waiting there?
Oh to see the unknown purposes of God!

It's not that there are not promises for our here & now.
(If not, I would truly perish!)
But our heart is programmed for so much more!
Here we are just pilgrims passing through.
And right now I chaffe against this nomadic life,
this transitory sojourning with divided heart.
For ever since she left us,
I've wanted to be somewhere else like never before.

Oh Lord, give me patience for the days left to me!
Fill them with love & purpose!
And please, let my longings for heaven
transform into deepening passion
to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth.

More of heaven here, Lord, while we wait!
More love, more redemption, more healing,
more salvation, more freedom, more peace...
more of You, Jesus.

Until I can get to heaven, Lord,
Please help me to be one who brings heaven down.




My two realities:

Heaven is the Face by Steven Curtis Chapman

Heaven on Earth by David & Nicole Binion, Covenant Worship

Photo by: Hartwig HKD, Tree of Life

MY ALCHEMIST

"Awake, north wind, and come, south wind!  
Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere."

Song of Songs 4:16

Let this crushing produce
the desired sweetness,

Not bitterness.

Let the crushing press out
all that is not worthy or useful -

For the Master Alchemist is at work.

He is consumed
with creating my Life Fragrance.

There is a plan in this madness,

in this sadness.

A "beauty for ashes" kind of ending.

To unveil the Rose of roses,

the Lion of all lions -

in all His strength & loveliness.

And He has chosen one such as I.

Meanwhile, as I feel this weight,

the pressing of life in sadness & pain,

I feel the weight of purpose, too.

The purpose of sweet tears & fragrant petals,

prayers of surrender, whispered love,

all being crushed together,

mingling, running down.

The Master Alchemist is brewing

the unique Fragrance of my life into His.

Oh let it be sweet!

Let it be beautiful & intoxicating!

Like the love of this One

who has captivated me

& allured me to this desert place.

To begin again a garden,

to create fruitful vineyards,

to make beauty from ashes,

and an oil of joy for mourning.

He is my mystical, ancient, irresistible,

creative & Love-inspired Alchemist.

After all that has happened,

He is still my Beloved.

And so I trust Him, too,
as my Alchemist.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;

I will lead her into the wilderness

and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,

and will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble),

a door of hope."

Hosea 3:14,15

Photo by:  PictureWendy

PIERCINGS & OTHER STUPID THINGS NOT TO DO WHILE GRIEVING

I had been thinking for a long time about getting a 3rd ear piercing.  But the really bright part of the idea was getting it in March.  Since I had done the others years ago when I was a teenager, I really had no recollection of pain nor was I calculating the difference in age or general state of being I was in at the time of the piercing.  If I had realized that it would keep me awake at night (because I sleep on my side) and take weeks and weeks to heal, I probably would have thought differently about it (or just thought about it, period).  I was in pain for weeks before I finally realized that extra, self-induced pain at this difficult juncture of my life was not only NOT a good idea, it was a really stupid one!  I took the earrings out for a couple days´ break and then - ciao - I couldn´t get them back in without pain & bleeding.  So, I am back down to 2 ear piercings...sigh.  (But I am sleeping better! )  

This led me to think that my stupid decisions during grief might possibly benefit others...and thus, this post.  Then again, the rest of you are probably smarter than me!

TOP TEN STUPID THINGS NOT TO DO WHILE GRIEVING:

1.  Piercings & tattoos and/or any other potentially painful bodily markings or changes should probably wait til you feel pretty healthy.  Just sayin...you may not make your best decisions right now.

2.  Major hairstyle changes or any other major changes in appearance should also wait til you have a better state of mind for decision making!  (A hair color change on me was frightening; my hair was weaker from all the stress and I regretted it big time!)

3.  Let your husband prune the garden.  This often doesn´t go well even in the best of times, but a man with pent up emotions with pruning shears in his hands can definitely produce some ¨unhappy wife¨ results!

4.  Work on future calendar items with said husband.  Take on any major home projects together.  Make any big decisions together. Haha.  While you can´t avoid all of this, try to limit it as much as possible as your style & pace of processing grief can be vastly different, complicating your already big differences in the first place.  Sensitivities are high & capacity & energy is low so give your marriage a break and take it slow!

5.  Attempt DIY memorial obelisks, cathedrals, monuments or other great architectural or artistic works in memory of your loved one too soon after the event.  (Unless you ARE a great architect or artist.)  You are all likely to be out of energy, patience, team spirit & camaraderie long before said work of memory is finished. You may end up with worse problems than grief on your hands!

6. Assume your way of grieving is the only way or the best way.  Each family member´s process and pace are different.  Giving space & support for each one - no matter how hard that may be for you - is vital to the family´s healing process.  Grieve differently - but grieve together.

7.  Conclude all the people who say stupid things to you (like ¨I know just how you feel¨) are really trying to be stupid.  They are really just humans trying to say something - anything! - helpful at a very difficult & awkward time.  You probably didn´t know what to say either until it happened to you.  Grieving is extremely hard - but knowing what is appropriate to say is hard, too, and we should all extend grace to each other.

8.  Get a pet.  Any pet.  A regular pet.  An exotic pet. A black market pet.  Any pet that requires one ounce of extra energy that you don´t presently have.  We tossed around many ideas in our pain, desiring something warm & fuzzy and comforting during our roughest days.  The problem is, we have had a number of pets and even though we miss them, we have had enough experience to know that in our housing situation, they take work.  Lots of it.  And our other big insight was that there is no perfect pet.  I had dreams of a dog who knew just how I felt and would quietly curl at my feet when I was writing, be energetic when I wanted to go out on a long walk and would never pee or poop, bark inappropriately or dig up my plants.  Stupid, right?  We just don´t make the best decisions when under duress.  Of course, if you already have pets,  have lots of experience with pets or you are a Pet Whisperer, by all means, go ahead.

9.  Find escape, solace or any kind of comfort whatsoever in facebook games that falsely promise to help you enhance your fragile-sense-of-self-while-grieving find meaning.  Knowing what Disney Princess you are most like, what your nose says about your personality, what farm animal reflects your temperament most accurately, what your middle initial says about you or what Egyptian hieroglyphic reveals your hidden genius are truly NOT helpful partners during grief.  

10.  Try to follow all the advice you get:   Don´t be alone too much.  Don´t hang out with crowds if you don´t feel like it.  Eat.  But don´t overeat, overdrink, overshop, watch too much tv or engage in anything that could be escapist behavior.  Talk if you need to.  Don´t talk if you don´t want to.  Be kind to yourself.  Get lots of rest (but get your work done, too).  Cry freely.  Plan times to grieve when you can be alone & give yourself over fully to it.  Find artistic outlets.  Find physical outlets.  Be strong.  Don´t be afraid to feel weak.  Take your time.  Move on with your life.  Etc., etc., etc.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See how much I´ve learned so far?  I could write a book!

All photos from Goggle images

MARKED

"...let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, 
and let them be lights...to give light on the earth."

Genesis 1:14



I am a marked woman.

It's not something that you see at a glance

or notice in a quick exchange.

It's something deeper, more profound.

Life has changed forever.
Life has marked me forever.

The well of my heart is deepening, expanding.

My mind is still actively pondering the changes,

Clarifying what they are...

and who I will become.

This journey of healing is not about

"getting better so I can get back to who I was and what I was doing"

That could never be!

No, everything has changed
 and I must change, too.

So I bring the things I am noticing and pondering

to the One who knows me and who shaped me 

and who has faithfully shepherded me so far.

He knows all about these things
And His marks on us are mysteriously lovely.

So we walk and we talk and sometimes we just sit in silence.

And I wait and receive from Him

counsel, encouragement, courage
and a deepening ability to surrender.

A surrender
to Love, to Change,

and to Who I am becoming...

I notice that there is a smile

on His lips and around His warm eyes...

And I know I must be on the right path.

The one marked for me,

the one that is marking me.
the one that has His mark.

I smile back,
Content to be a marked woman.

Your comments are welcome and encouraged.  I have tried to simplify the process so that more of you will join in!

Photo from BuzzFeed.com