WHAT'S IN A NAME?

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower.  The righteous run to it and are safe."

Proverbs 18:10

Something is bothering me.

Does it seem strange to you that in these last two very difficult years I have primarily related to God as my Shepherd?  Aspects of Him as Mighty King, Judge, High and Lofty One, Creator, Cornerstone, etc., have been difficult for me to connect to.   It's not that I don't believe these things are true of Him, it's just that I have so desperately needed certain aspects of Him during this difficult process that they have become my main lifeline to Him.  To have Him as my Comforter, Counselor, Guide and Savior has been essential to my healing.  I also have not wandered far from the Psalms in this time, finding comfort in their honesty & hope.  But I keep wondering how long this lasts...

I often struggle in worship when we sing songs about these other realms of Him.  It feels foreign, almost uncomfortable and it is somewhat upsetting to me that I can't.  If I believe He is sovereignly who He reveals Himself to be in Scripture, why is this so hard for me?

When I reflect on how His names were revealed in Scripture, though, I see human encounters with Him at points of need.  And each specific need provided an opportunity to experience Him in a certain way.  It marked their life and there was often a physical place of remembrance built to recall its significance.

When Hagar, pregnant with Ishmael, ran away from Sarai and Abram, she found herself alone in a desert.  She was in a difficult place in life and only God could have found her there, seen her need and given her direction for her - and her son's and an entire generation's - future.  She named Him "the God who sees."  (Beer Lahai Roi) (Genesis 16:14)

When less-than-confident Moses was considering God's proposal to go speak to the Pharaoh, he asked, "Who shall I say sent me?"  Did he not already know the name of his fathers' God  as the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob? He did, but he seemed to need a new revelation of God to allow him to begin to fulfill his destiny.  "I AM WHO I AM," God revealed.  (Exodus 3)

After the huge victory of the Red Sea, the Israelites began their travels and it wasn't long before there were various difficulties.  After their experience of the bitter waters of Marah, God challenged them to listen carefully to Him, to obey Him and that if they did so, they would be kept from sickness and disease: "I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians."  I'm sure they still had vivid images of the post-plague-disease-ridden Egyptians in their minds!  He reveals this to them:  "I am the Lord who heals you."  (Jehovah Rapha)  (Exodus 15)  

God has created an infinite number of unique human temperaments and personalities.  I've noticed that certain ones tend to lean towards certain names of God as their primary way of relating to Him.  We also all go through many different seasons of life and find different aspects of God especially meaningful at certain times.  I'm glad God can accommodate such variety.  He Himself is so immense and complex that there could never be one name that says it all anyway! 

Maybe I shouldn't worry so much about my limited perspective right now.  Perhaps it is still a time to enjoy the Lord as my Shepherd... It is said that that is the place where "I lack nothing."  That sounds like a good place to be! (Ps. 23:1)

Besides, as Juliet said to Romeo:

"What's in a name?  That which we call a rose,

By any other name would smell as sweet."

The Lord is indeed very sweet - no matter which name I choose to use.

Photo by:  Jack Dorsey

JESUS´ SACRED GRIEF MISSION

Did you know that part of Jesus´ sacred mission on earth was to care for the brokenhearted?  Did you know the whole ¨beauty for ashes¨ thing is for real?  There have been days I found it hard to believe  yet I have been struck lately with the prominence of verses given to this subject - particularly in this classic passage of Scripture about the Messiah´s mission:

¨The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me 

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord´s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion -

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,

the oil of joy instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.¨ 

Isaiah 61:1-3

I have highlighted the phrases directly related to grief within this sacred mission statement and they are about half!  This part of His healing ministry has great significance (not to take away from the others).  In fact, at the end of vs.3, it says this:

¨They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.¨ 

Isaiah 61:3

The powerful yet tender transformation required to take the ones who are broken and grieving, sad, exhausted, depressed, in darkness, unable to cope or function on certain days, angry, confused, in faith crises, with their whole life on hold and their physical health on edge is absolutely stunning.  The beauty for ashes thing is not a joke.  Nor is it a dream.  But it is impossible -  except for the Redeemer of Grief and Death, the Transformer of ashes and all that is grey.  Only He can turn all that into a beautiful, colored garland to be worn on our head where all can see it.

To take a hurting, brokenhearted person from the ash heap of death and transform them into an ¨oak of righteousness¨ is nothing short of a miracle!  The fact that these people become ¨a planting of the Lord ¨ shows that it is an intimate, personal work done by the Redeemer Himself.  The incredible end result of this redemptive work is ¨the display of His splendor.¨  Wow!  As he is transforming me in my grief process, he is using it as part of his sacred mission in this world to show Himself!  I get to be part of that!

If you are grieving, please know that the Savior is very near and very committed to helping you get to the other side.  He is for you and He shows it in these verses.  For your broken heart, there is a binding up. for your mourning, there is comfort, for your grief, there is provision, for the ashes of death there is a crown of beauty, for your mourning there is an oil of joy and for the spirit of heaviness or despair, there is a garment of praise.  Some days these may seem a million miles away...but they will come.

Beauty does rise and Jesus is on mission to provide for your grief! 

Graphic by distelfliege

REDEEMER OF DEATH

Redeemer of Death,
you can bring life.
Even after the ugliest of deaths,
in spite of the bitterest of tears,
in the face of misunderstanding,
disappointment, confusion.
You did this already
on an Easter long ago.

Redeemer of Death,
who breathed this promise:
I will "bestow on them
a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...¨
You did this already
on an morning long ago.

Redeemer of Death,
You placed on the Messiah the Spirit
and sent Him to ¨bind up the brokenhearted¨
as part of His sacred mission.
You anointed Him for this,
equipped Him for it.
You did this already
on an evening long ago.

Redeemer of death,
you can bring Life
even after my daughter´s death,
even after my own heart was broken.
In the face of the impossibility
of beauty to be found in this ash heap.
You are doing this
on Easter...and every day.

You are the only one I know
who stands crowned:
Redeemer of Death.

THE SILVER-ROSE RAY

From the womb of the dawn

came a ray of light.

It shimmered silvery-rose

upon the dark, silhouetted horizon.

¨Wake up!¨ she whispered.

¨It´s a new day, a new time.¨

The light grew brighter and chameleoned 

into coral, red and glad orange.

The fiery ball began to rise with proud protagonism,

while the silver-rose ray of light

slipped quietly, unobtrusively, into the background.

Her short work was done.

Yet she was content.

For I had heard her.

I had seen her promise and understood:

The much-anticipated season of Light

that will crush my Darkness

Starts with noticing...

the simple silver-rose ray.

¨But the way of the right(eous) is like the early morning light.

It shines brighter and brighter until the perfect day.¨ 

Proverbs 4:18

Photo by:  Sian Monument

MISSING HIS VOICE

Oh! how I miss Your voice!
I miss hearing your secrets,
hearing your insights,
even your warnings!

I sit and listen again but hear nothing.
The silence echoes & reverberates...
Sometimes it mocks me.
Sometimes it tells me it will always be like this from now on -
that pain & grief deafen your senses,
mess with your mind,
dull your abilities,
darken your capacity.

I hate to admit that in part it´s true...
That is many people´s experience.
But I am clear on this:
It will not always be this way!
It is a season.
And every season passes.
And every season has its beauty.

I used to hear Him easily...
Listening was my ¨go to¨ way to experience God.
His voice met me in various experiences & places;
I find myself lost without it!

Yet like a person struck suddenly deaf,
I am slowly learning to depend on other senses to a greater degree.
I am sharpening them as I learn to use them,
learning to compensate.
And I realize that I can experience God in so many ways!
He is not limited to my diminished senses
in this time of grief.
This is part of the beauty to be discovered in this season.

Certainly God is unlimited in His ability to communicate.
I am the one who is reaching out through human limitations,
through my wounded heart & senses,
asking Him to build my awareness,
asking Him to enhance my creativity in order to connect with Him.

So I open my heart -
to taste His goodness,
to touch His hem,
to smell His perfume...
soon enough I will hear Him,
Soon enough.
For now, the others are enough...
And they are beautiful.

But oh! How I miss His voice!



SOUND OF YOUR VOICE by Steven Curtis Chapman

Photo by:  Tangent Artifact

TENTATIVE PRAISE

“Aslan is a lion- the Lion, the great Lion." "Ooh" said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he-quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion"..."Safe?" said Mr Beaver ..."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.”

C.S.Lewis, The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe

To my un-safe but good King....  :)

Praise comes

from trembling lips

Gratitude stumbles

from mustard-seed heart

Wisdom emerges

from a terrible, yet sacred journey

Trust is budding

from this pilgrim walk.

Tears, miles, hours, prayers

all done with Him.

He has not left me.

Yet neither He has explained Himself.

He is Love and Mystery.

The storms, mountains & valleys

are not over.

I thought they were!

But this trek still has more

break-points, look-outs, summits and precipices.

It is all mapped out in tender, yet stubborn love.

I breathe in, I breathe out,

take the next step.

I stop to take in the view

And He whispers

and smiles.

If I don´t pay attention

I will miss it!

So I pause often

To see the sacred in the terrible

to find beauty in the shadows

to embrace joy in spite of 

to kiss velvety petals.

lay on green,

listen to quiet waters.

And in those moments, praise comes 

from trembling lips...






Photo by:  Jesús Pérez Pacheco

THE ALMOND BLOSSOMS OF WINTER

I spent 3 hours this morning with two of my besties here in Spain talking, praying and reflecting as we like to do.  We express our hearts about what life is bringing at present while the others listen intently first to the sharer, then to God.  Insights, scriptures, word pictures and phrases often catch in our souls for one another and we talk about them and pray for each other.  I frankly don´t know what I´d do without them.

After a rather emotional time for me this morning expressing my present dark phase, they were undaunted and listened intently to God on my behalf.  They heard some amazing, encouraging things and ministered to me with such compassion that I left sensing light and also, a literal turning point. 

Later in the afternoon, one of them wrote to me and said that while she was driving to an appointment she noticed that the almond trees are blossoming here in Andalucía.  I had noticed it, too, the day before; they are the first to bloom here.  But today it caught her attention because we had talked a lot about vineyards and pruning and seasons; I myself expressed that I was definitely in a ¨winter¨ season with little progress to notice at first glimpse.  But we reflected on the well-known fact that winter, while to the eyes seems like a barren time, really has some profound things going on.  This is the time of year when, underneath the soil, the roots are going deep.  During the sometimes long, dark, cold season of winter, there is much more than meets the eye!  It is a time to trust and believe in what is really happening  - and in what is to come.

But to think that some things actually blossom in the winter!  That was a fresh thought to me today. To think what it must be for almonds to blossom earlier than everything else!  What must their secret be?

The almond tree is the first to blossom and the last to bear fruit.  Almond trees are present in the Scriptures and are particularly associated with ¨one of the earliest prophecies of young Jeremiah.¨* 

¨The word of the Lord came to me:  ¨What do you see, Jeremiah?¨ 

¨I see the branch of an almond tree, ¨ I replied.  

The Lord said to me, ¨You have seen correctly,

 for I am watching to see that my word is fulfilled.¨    

 Jeremiah 1:11, 12

It gets even better:  The Hebrew word for almond, shaked, is also translated ¨to watch¨.  By seeing the almond branch, God assured Jeremiah that He is watching over His word to bring it to pass, no matter the passage of time.¨*  Almonds are clearly associated with God's watchful presence and promises for future fulfillment of His promises - even during our most wintry of times.

The almond trees around Andalucía where I am blessed to live are just coming alive this week and I am so touched to see their faith-filled prelude to spring.  The Almendros and their flowers are a symbol of awakening and hope - to all that God promises to watch over and fulfill.

May your day be blessed with (literal and/or figurative) almond blossoms! 

Photos in order of appearance:  Sydney and Theophilus Papadopoulos

Quote from:  Dr. Juergen Buehler, ICEJ (Int´l Christian Embassy in Jerusalem) Executive Director

IN THESE SHADOWS

In these shadows
I read
looking for inspiration, hoping for revelation...
but there are only words on a page.
I speak
looking for understanding, hoping for compassion...
but there is only empty advice.
I sleep
looking for sweet rest, hoping for refreshment...
but there is only restlessness & continual fatigue.
I pray
looking for light, hoping for relief...
but there is only a void.
I listen
looking for the Voice, hoping to hear it...
but there is only silence.

Oh God!  I cannot see you or find You!
Please reveal Yourself to me!

And if You are here in disguise,
present in ways I have not known before,
please open my eyes, my heart
to perceive, to believe.

In these shadows
help me to read words of life,
find compassion,
sleep the sleep,
see the Light,
and hear the Voice.

In these shadows
help me see past the camouflage of perceptions of God,
past the veil of sadness blinding me,
past the smoke screen of emotions dominating me,
past the illusions of who I should be...
past the veneer of how and where I think I should find You.

I don´t ask You to remove me from these shadows -
just that I can find You here among them.





Photo by:  Sundaram Ramaswamy

JUST STAND

"...after you have done everything...stand." 

 Ephesians 6:13b

There are days in this last year plus that just getting out of bed has been a huge victory.  Standing and walking have been huge, too.  In the midst of a fierce, draining battle, standing is actually quite a remarkable and courageous act.

I know these verses are clearly couched in the heart of some of the most powerful and specific teaching on spiritual warfare in the NT.  Sometimes we differentiate between "trials" and "spiritual warfare" when really there is a complex overlap.  Isn't it all about living in a visible earthly realm with a heavenly invisible perspective?  Isn't it all about "making known the mystery" through our lives - especially in our suffering - whatever the catalyst or form our suffering has?  It may be that "simply standing" shows others God's amazing grace in far more tangible & dramatic ways than walking or running.

I have yet to meet someone who likes to be weak or to just "be standing" but if we had any kind of perspective on what it takes for a lot of us to "just stand", they would hold our deepest respect!

On my days when discouragement hovers over me because I get caught up focusing on how long it is taking to recover my physical strength & energy during this time of grief, how little I seem to accomplish in a day compared to before, the anxiety that quickly rises up in me in the face of any stress, the yo-yo of emotions that still overwhelm me, my lack of usual vision & passion in our work, my diminished emotional capacity for people and the spiritual questions that haunt me...I have to remind myself that it is just a day for standing.  "Just stand," He whispers to me, "Today, just stand."

So I am trying to rest in my standing.  To be patient in my standing, to be ok with my standing.  To let others stand with me and to let the world see that I am "just standing" at a time when I could be laying down.  Oh I pray they will see the mystery and grace of my standing!

In the words of Melbourne Street Artists Avant-Garde:

First photo by:  Hamed Masoumi

FIX MY EYES

"Then Peter got down out of the boat,
 walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and,
 beginning to sink, cried out, " Lord, save me!"

Matthew 14:29, 30

Fix

my eyes

on the One.

Who knows, who loves, who cries.

Set

my heart 

on the immovable Rock.

Who stabilizes, secures, is unyielding.

Quiet 

my mind

on enduring Truth and Goodness.

My underpinning, my bedrock, my infrastructure.

Align 

my body

to the healing road of Life.

Sound, flourishing, wholeness.

Fix all of me, God,
on Your face.

And on Your extended hand to me.

The one stretched out across the rising waves all around me -

For You are ready to save.

I see it in Your face;
it is fixed with love on me.

Save me, O God,

from this ocean of emotions!

from tumultuous waves of fear & sadness,

from tides of regret & loss...

Calm the storm - the one inside me.

Fix 

my eyes, 

O God.

My heart, mind & body, too.

Focus all of me...on all of You.

Fix 

my eyes.

¨...let us run with perseverance the race 

marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes

on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...¨

Hebrews 12:1,2

Photo by:  Vagelis Kalampalikis

LOOKING FOR THE BEAUTY

¨He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...

to comfort all who mourn...to provide for those who grieve...

bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, 

the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise

 instead of a spirit of despair. ¨ 

Isaiah 61:1-3

In the midst of this pain, Lord,

Make me attentive.

Attentive to unexpected beauty.

Help me to see it, to perceive it.

Let me be in synch

with the Spirit´s redemptive craftsmanship

against this backdrop of tragedy.

A backdrop of ugly rawness, 

painful memories & the smoldering of death.

You say You will bring beauty -

Beauty from the ashes of death,

from the ashes of mourning...

You say You can transform even that.

So let me discern, O Lord,

this promised artistry.

Let me participate in its unfolding,

delight in its telling,

take comfort in its transforming blessing.

Grace my head, O King,

with the garland of beauty.

Grace my heart & life

with restored joy,

with laughter,

with dancing and song.

Make me attentive, Lord,

to the beauty.

Photo by:  Noukka Signe

BRINGING HEAVEN DOWN

They talk to me about eternal -
that "1,000 years is like a day"
or "in the blink of an eye"
or the "thin veil" that separates us
from the wonder of heaven.

But I am here, trapped, in the temporal
and every day is an uncountable number
of blinks of an eye.
A day can feel like a 1,000 years.
And the veil may as well be the Great Wall of China.
Eternity feels so very far away.

Does is it seem unfair to be stuck here?
With loved ones & promises & perfection waiting there?
Oh to see the unknown purposes of God!

It's not that there are not promises for our here & now.
(If not, I would truly perish!)
But our heart is programmed for so much more!
Here we are just pilgrims passing through.
And right now I chaffe against this nomadic life,
this transitory sojourning with divided heart.
For ever since she left us,
I've wanted to be somewhere else like never before.

Oh Lord, give me patience for the days left to me!
Fill them with love & purpose!
And please, let my longings for heaven
transform into deepening passion
to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth.

More of heaven here, Lord, while we wait!
More love, more redemption, more healing,
more salvation, more freedom, more peace...
more of You, Jesus.

Until I can get to heaven, Lord,
Please help me to be one who brings heaven down.




My two realities:

Heaven is the Face by Steven Curtis Chapman

Heaven on Earth by David & Nicole Binion, Covenant Worship

Photo by: Hartwig HKD, Tree of Life

MY ALCHEMIST

"Awake, north wind, and come, south wind!  
Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere."

Song of Songs 4:16

Let this crushing produce
the desired sweetness,

Not bitterness.

Let the crushing press out
all that is not worthy or useful -

For the Master Alchemist is at work.

He is consumed
with creating my Life Fragrance.

There is a plan in this madness,

in this sadness.

A "beauty for ashes" kind of ending.

To unveil the Rose of roses,

the Lion of all lions -

in all His strength & loveliness.

And He has chosen one such as I.

Meanwhile, as I feel this weight,

the pressing of life in sadness & pain,

I feel the weight of purpose, too.

The purpose of sweet tears & fragrant petals,

prayers of surrender, whispered love,

all being crushed together,

mingling, running down.

The Master Alchemist is brewing

the unique Fragrance of my life into His.

Oh let it be sweet!

Let it be beautiful & intoxicating!

Like the love of this One

who has captivated me

& allured me to this desert place.

To begin again a garden,

to create fruitful vineyards,

to make beauty from ashes,

and an oil of joy for mourning.

He is my mystical, ancient, irresistible,

creative & Love-inspired Alchemist.

After all that has happened,

He is still my Beloved.

And so I trust Him, too,
as my Alchemist.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;

I will lead her into the wilderness

and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,

and will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble),

a door of hope."

Hosea 3:14,15

Photo by:  PictureWendy

MARKED

"...let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, 
and let them be lights...to give light on the earth."

Genesis 1:14



I am a marked woman.

It's not something that you see at a glance

or notice in a quick exchange.

It's something deeper, more profound.

Life has changed forever.
Life has marked me forever.

The well of my heart is deepening, expanding.

My mind is still actively pondering the changes,

Clarifying what they are...

and who I will become.

This journey of healing is not about

"getting better so I can get back to who I was and what I was doing"

That could never be!

No, everything has changed
 and I must change, too.

So I bring the things I am noticing and pondering

to the One who knows me and who shaped me 

and who has faithfully shepherded me so far.

He knows all about these things
And His marks on us are mysteriously lovely.

So we walk and we talk and sometimes we just sit in silence.

And I wait and receive from Him

counsel, encouragement, courage
and a deepening ability to surrender.

A surrender
to Love, to Change,

and to Who I am becoming...

I notice that there is a smile

on His lips and around His warm eyes...

And I know I must be on the right path.

The one marked for me,

the one that is marking me.
the one that has His mark.

I smile back,
Content to be a marked woman.

Your comments are welcome and encouraged.  I have tried to simplify the process so that more of you will join in!

Photo from BuzzFeed.com

THE LOWLY DANDELION SPEAKS

Can someone please tell me when and how the lowly dandelion made it to tattoo status?  My Dad used to make us dig them out of the lawn on Saturday mornings!  They used to be considered a weed but today their leaves have gourmet status, their profile has art status, their seeds have mystical wishing status and they've even achieved literary status inspiring a myriad of sayings from gothic to Hallmark.

Dandelions now grow virtually worldwide.  They spread further, are more difficult to exterminate and grow under more adverse circumstances than most competitors. *  So in addition to its step up to the art league, it is also international and has a strength & determination factor.  I like that.

I hadn't paid much attention to dandelions since childhood, frankly.  But when our close friend Amy had a vision about Jenna that involved a dandelion's seeds back in October before she died, I started paying more attention...

Amy had gone out to pray for Jenna in the countryside among some olive trees.  As she prayed for Jenna, a full-orbed dandelion was blowing in the wind and kept returning to her.  She felt the Lord speak to her heart that the seeds of Jenna´s life would be spread in the offering up of her life.  She remembered a painting of the artist Lilias Trotter who gave 40 years of her life to Algeria (Jenna would have loved that) and the sense that Jenna´s life was to be offered up for something greater was very strong.  She wept and wrote and prayed and later gave us a letter and  lent us the book A Blossom in the Desert where many of Lilias´ paintings and writings are compiled.  Amy also made copies of Lilias' painting & poem in card form to hand out at the memorial:

Suddenly the "lowly" dandelion became very special to us.

Other people had visions about seeds and her legacy and Doralicia (another very special friend) shared this verse at the memorial service:

"Very truly I tell you,

 unless a kernel of wheat falls 

to the ground and dies,

 it remains only a single seed. 

 But if it dies, it produces many seeds."  

John 12:24

Dora blessed Jenna's legacy:  "we want to bless all the relationships, conversations and all the efforts and contributions that Jenna participated in and we want to bless them so that they bear much fruit and multiply.  Our investment in the kingdom of heaven here on earth is never in vain ..."  She also prayed for this generation and blessed their lives and work for the kingdom.  Jenna would have loved that, too, for her heart beat for her generation to take up the baton and make a difference.

Why am I reviewing all of this?  Because God keeps speaking through the lowly dandelion!

One day in November I found this little treasure at an art stall here in Málaga.  It was like God spoke confirmation over the truth of the dandelion for us. The music and the birds of peace & hope were such a gift to me:

Then, just this week I was out on a walk and was stopped short by the biggest dandelion I had ever seen!  It was as big as one of Jordan´s balls!  The dandelions keep speaking...

Months had passed since my last ¨dandelion encounter¨ (although I had noticed their growing popularity in general) and this time God spoke clearly to my heart:  ¨I have NOT forgotten that promise.  The seeds and flowers of Jenna´s legacy will be far bigger than you can even ask or imagine!¨

You can imagine my love affair at this point with the lowly dandelion.  What was once a weed to me is now transformed into something extremely precious.

Sometimes I wish I could save some of the blessings of this legacy:

But I´m pretty sure God wants them floating freely...landing where He has sovereignly destined them to be:

But...I might just have to get me one of these:  ;)

May God release more and more fruit through this generation - and all of us - for the kingdom of God through our stewardship of Jenna's legacy...through the one seed that dies to produce "many seeds".

You can read more about the vision of seeds and Jenna's legacy (including videos from the Memorial) at:

http://thruamomseyes.blogspot.com.es/2014/12/memorial-series-seeds.html

http://thruamomseyes.blogspot.com.es/2014/12/memorial-series-legacy.html



*quote from Steve Brill's book A Meddlesome, But Toothsome Weed, Dandelion

Photos by (in order of appearance):

intuitivehealingprogramme
Lilias Trotter
Pam (4)
Dandelion Wishes Pictures
Dandelion Breeze
Dandelion Tattoo (Google Images 14235)
Dandelion AirMech Forums

WHERE DID THE LOVE GO?

Loss has left me bereft of love -

Or so it seems.

Not for her - my heart aches for her -

but of love for others.

It seems I have lost my capacity to love

And I am so distressed!

There is no energy, no passion,

no motivation, no will power.

I desire - yet cannot - comprehend my friends´ problems

or my neighbors´ chatting.

I so want to care!

But there is no room, no place to put

the concerns of anyone else...

All my love spaces, my concerned places,

my rooms of compassion, the shared sanctums of my heart,

are full of grief.

They are too full to hold more.

So I sit at coffee listening like a tomb

to my dearest of friends.

I cannot understand her sharing -

Today it is a foreign language.

My brain defensively blocks her out,

subconsciously setting a protective limit for me.

I fight against it & try to refocus -

But I have no memory of what she just said.

I am undone by my own guilt & dysfunction -

I want to engage...but cannot.

Later I am in the stands at my son´s soccer game,

surrounded by other parents who happily chat.

I am overwhelmed by their loudness,

by their superficial talk.

It reverberates in my head like a migraine.

I say enough to let them know I´m there

But not enough to engage or truly ¨be present."

This outing exhausts me.

What is wrong?

I try to get out, for instinctively I know I need to.

Yet it takes a colossal effort to enter in.

I am painfully aware 

Of the inadequacies of my heart,

of my own impotence to wrap my arms around any more

than what they already carry.

Oh to be able to bear the burden of love!

Oh that love would be weightless!

Oh to find joy in listening intently!

Or laughing loudly or chatting with friendliness!

Some friends say I must be
"kind to myself, patient"
But today I am impatient with my weariness!
Impatient with my frailty around others.
I don't care or don't want to care or can't care
because of this emotional love-depletion.
I find myself just trying to survive the day.

Oh! Author of love!

Please hasten the day

when my heart,

carved up by grief & then healing,
has slowly drained some of its sadness,

& expanded in its capacity to give again...

To love again,

to care again,
naturally & unfeigned.

Love will be back -

sweeter & deeper than before.

The Love Author Himself whispers to me:
"Be kind & patient with yourself as I am.
I am with you & am guiding your journey.
You are on schedule."

I breathe a sigh of relief.
I am human.
I will love again.

Where did the love go?

It´s just very busy holding me for a little while -

it will soon be back.

Photo by:  Kiz BadArt Team

Comments are welcomed & encouraged.  I have tried to simplify the process so that more of you can join in! If you are unsure about how to leave a comment, just choose ANONYMOUS USER under "Comment As" and leave your name with your comment within the comment box.

HOLDING QUESTIONS (LESSONS FROM A DRAGONFLY)

I am holding questions -
and my arms are weary.
My mind is tired & perplexed at their weight,
my heart is heavy at the lack of resolution.

There have been questions written silently in a journal,
questions shouted to the sea,
questions with tears over coffee with a friend,
And questions of bewilderment in the intimacy of my family.

There have been questions of concern & curiosity,
questions of philosophy & theology,
questions of fear & doubt,
And questions from shock & incredulity.

There have been questions, too, of reverence & remembrance,
of assurance & love,
of beauty & faithfulness,
And all those answers are YES.  Yes and Amen.
These are the ones that anchor me.

But there are so many that will not fit in the Answered Pile...
There are no logical categories for so many of them in my human mind.
I cannot comprehend the ¨higher ways¨ and I sigh in my longing to do just that.
I am frustrated by my humanity, by my dual (duel??) earthly-spiritual realities.
I live in this place but have glimpses of another,
I am trapped in an earthly body,
Yet see that there are answers beyond me.

Oh to have explanations!
An interpretation of these sad losses & events
To justify the unjustifiable, to respond to the unrespondable
To bring closure to the unclosable...
These are flitting about me like dragonflies near a river,
They hover nearby with the sun glittering on their translucent wings,
thinking, pondering in the sun.
They are both beautiful & mysterious.
Suddenly, they are gone, off to another rock further ahead, upstream!
It seems they are making headway somehow, they have a destination.
And they are using the wind under their wings to lift them up
and take them upstream, against the current,
where they will sit & ponder again under sunlit glintings of truth.

Their wings look too frail to carry heavy burdens.
But they know how to use the breeze.
They innately know their next stop, the next step.
They are unhurried, peaceful.
Yet they progress - against the current & in the face of dangers.

I am holding questions as they seem to -
And hope that in my frailty there will also be beauty,
for the questions are worthy.
Some are frustratingly rhetorical, unanswerable this side of heaven.
And so I try to lay these down in the Mystery Pile -
and to be ok with that.
To be ok with a God who breathes mystery, who is mystery,
who doesn´t necessarily love mystery in a superior, look-down-on-you kind of way -
but who requires mystery to be who he is & orchestrate what he does.
Because simply put, if there were no mystery, He would not be God.
And if there were no God, there would be no life for me, no meaning.

So I hold my questions
on dragonfly wings
on this path of life.
I anchor myself in the answered ones.
And I carry the mysterious ones in a heart
that trusts the Love, the Purpose and yes, even the Mystery, of God.






Photo by: hjhipster

LOVE WITHOUT BORDERS

LOVE.  The most sought after, fought after, laughed about, pined over, mystifying concept in all the world.  There is nothing more sung about, ranted over, written about, danced about, sacrificed for, declared, celebrated, scared off, confused, delighted, acted out or cheered on around the world.  There are infinite rites, passages, ceremonies, gifts and customs among the nations to express it.  Besides greed, perhaps no more exorbitant sum of money has been spent on anything else in all of time!  Love is the ultimate international language.

Love is well studied and myriads of books, seminars, conferences, retreats, pod casts, etc. have spewed out the inadequate, can´t-do-it-justice findings.  The ancient Greeks would most likely be horrified to know that we have only one word in English for love!  How can ¨I love ice cream¨ and ¨I love you¨ possibly require the same verb?  I guess some cultures are just smarter...

Many of us are familiar with the six loves in Greek (four of which are found in the Scriptures): eros (romantic, sexual love), philia (deep friendship), ludus (playful love), agape (selfless love), pragma (longstanding, practical love) and philautia (self-love).  I couldn´t agree more with Roman Krznaric, an Australian cultural thinker, who wrote: ¨If the art of coffee deserves its own sophisticated vocabulary, then why not the art of love?¨  Indeed!

In our quest to understand love, we have been known to look at love pyramids, love diagrams, love circles, love lists, love charts, love graphs, outlines, designs, stages, types and kinds (these all really exist!)  We have terms to describe various versions of love outside of the Greek ¨classics¨ including: puppy love, maternal/paternal love, tough love, brotherly love, self-love, conditional love and divine love, just to name a few.  

But no one can hold a candle to God´s love.  Love was the major reason I decided to become a follower of Christ.  Discovering at 16 the amazing, crazy, ocean-sized love He has for me simply blew me away!  He captivated me then and He still does today.  His agape love for us is the only perfect love we will ever experience.  Every other version of love - no matter how wonderful - is still marred in some way, for we are imperfect.  How could I resist Him?

Last year, in spite of the pain, we experienced a beautiful love in our family like never before.  As one of us suffered, we all suffered and there was no sacrifice too great to make for Jenna.  Dani stayed by her side, massaged her every day and demonstrated a loyalty & depth I had not seen to that level before in her.  Jordan wrote her notes, cried for her in his room, prayed for her on her bed, did his homework at the hospital & dedicated goals to her in his soccer playing.  Bruce left work behind, read Psalm 23 over her, held her hand for hours, ran several times a day to Burger King for shaved ice for her and valiantly tried to keep us all together in one piece.  As for me, I have never known maternal love to the extent that I did last year, even when I held them as beautiful babies and couldn´t keep my eyes off them.  The love & adrenalin that ran through my system day and night that subconsciously & organically warned me ¨a child you love is in danger¨ carried me through sleepless nights, long waits at the hospital, endless medical errands  and the suffering of my mother-heart that the whole process dragged me through.  It was a year to think about her, pray unceasingly for her, sacrifice for her, love on her, write about her, dream about her and serve her - plus hold my other two dear ones in their anguish.  And although I did it far from perfectly, I didn´t know I had it in me. Most of all, burned into our minds forever, is Jenna´s love toward us - in her gratitude, in her uncomplaining attitude, in her surrender, in her humor in the midst of pain, in her fighting, in her concern for us, in the verbal gifts of love she gave to each one of us as she realized the end was drawing near.  She left us with words we will always treasure as she recounted & affirmed her love for each one.  The closeness of death brought out an appreciation for the preciousness of one another like nothing else we have experienced.  Love can bring out the best you have to give.   

All of these assorted, random thoughts about love this year come down to this:  there are no borders for genuine love.  No political frontiers that can keep it out, no bitterness that cannot be conquered, no sin too big to be forgiven, no relationship too difficult, no war too awful, no illness too devastating and not even death itself, for:

¨love is as strong as death, 

its jealousy unyielding as the grave.

It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame.¨

S. of Songs 8:6

Whatever kind of love you are celebrating on Valentine´s Day, I hope you will remember all the kinds God has given you to enjoy.  I pray most of all that you will experience His divine, sacred, unrelenting love for you - for that is the most stunning love of all.  Love without borders...that is the kind He has for you and for me - and all the world.  Celebrate it!