THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT

This year we decided not to exchange gifts.  We were understandably needing to simplify and that was one of the ways it took expression.  We did do stockings.  We have always loved stockings and for many years have all taken great joy in buying or making surprises for one another - everyone for everyone else.

This year we were away from the 18th - 25th at a hotel (another change in our traditions) and returned midday on the 25th to make a turkey dinner and do our stockings by the fire in the evening.  It was a sweet time and we slowly took turns pulling one thing at a time out of our stockings.  There were the typical ¨practical¨ things such as toothbrushes and gum and joke gifts like a green apple from the kitchen but also special chocolates and massage oils and new drawing utensils.  But as we were finishing, the most surreal surprise of all appeared...

Bruce drew a packet of sugar from his stocking.  It was from Starbucks - which IS special since we only have one at the airport - but still, he thought it was one of our joke gifts.  But as we all looked at each other, no one claimed to have given it to him.  He handed the sugar to me as he reached again into his stocking, into the very tip.  Dani said, ¨Does it have Arabic on it?¨  As I was turning over the packet of sugar in my hand, still half laughing, I saw that the other side of the packet was indeed in Arabic.  Dani said, ¨Jenna gave us some sugar last year...¨ and as that was sinking in, Bruce simultaneously pulled out a small keychain from the tip of his stocking with a Cedar of Lebanon hanging from it. Silence descended over us as we all realized these were gifts from Jenna from the previous Christmas that had not been found.  In Christmas 2013, she had just returned from her time in Beirut and so gifts from there were predominant at Christmas last year.

Was there ever a trinket so precious to a father?  Was sugar ever so sweet?  Last year he would have appreciated it but this year it took on a whole new meaning...it was almost sacred.  The packet of sugar is now tucked in his wallet (to be carried for years, I suppose - or until it spills sugar everywhere) and his house keys dangle from the beautiful, symbolic and yes, sacred, Cedar of Lebanon.

Jenna was present this Christmas after all.

1st photo by: Hades2k

MOST OF ALL

The beauty of this season
Holds joyful hues of
Family & friends, traditions & love.
But most of all, a Savior.

The melodies of this season
Hang lightly in the air in
Homes & hearts, steeples & stores,
But most of all resounds, of a Savior.

The symbolism of this season
Is reflected in forms,
In patterns & shapes, designs & styles
But most of all, in a Savior.

The meaning of this season
Both cloaked & revealed,
Sacred & secular, cherished & ignored
But in spite of them all, a Savior.

The melancholy of this season
Wistfully clinging to a
Brother & sister, mother & father
But most of all they cling, to a Savior.

The promise of this season
Hopefully whispering to
Souls & minds, hearts & bodies
That there is most of all, a Savior.

In spite of our soulful carol this year and missing Jenna so very much,
we join you in celebrating the promise of a SAVIOR who is a
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father and Prince of Peace.

Much love to you all!

The Siders

COMFORT AT CHRISTMAS

Last night we were reading a short passage for advent in front of the fire.  I wasn´t at all sure I wanted to even think about advent or Christmas.  My heart is heavy and this season typically holds so much joy and celebration that it feels foreign and out of grasp.  It has been a symbol of togetherness at our house. Jenna and Dani have always been home for Christmas no matter how far away they were during the year.  Receiving them was one of the funnest moments of the whole year.  Every year I had to ask the Lord for that same kind of anticipation about His birth as I did about welcoming them home!  Somehow,  I knew He understood.  

Yesterday I found myself thinking about Steven Curtis Chapman´s poignant song ¨Heaven is the Face¨, written after the loss of his precious daughter.  My heart resonated with his deep longing for his daughter and for his impossible task of seeing beyond her.  Christmas for us is lost in the face of Jenna this year.  We all love God & celebrate His coming to earth as Messiah this time of year - but she is overshadowing so much of our thinking and emotions right now.  Somehow, I think He understands...

                                                  "Heaven Is The Face"

Heaven is the Face
Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, "Daddy please come play with me for awhile"

God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
So right now

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door

But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space

All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there's no one left in the orphans' bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there's no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there's no more enemy
No more

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms

Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl
Heaven in the face of my little girl

Last night as we read the familiar Isaiah 61:1-3, I was stopped in my tracks.  How much of why He came revolved around comfort!  Wow!  Out of 19 phrases in these 3 verses, 11 of them had something to do with comfort! All of a sudden Christmas changed for me.  It is alright for Christmas to be about comfort this year.  He Himself is all about comfort...  

Isaiah 61:1-3

¨The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord´s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion -

to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.¨

I am going to get busy celebrating His comfort this Christmas!  And I pray I can become more each day like that strong "oak of righteousness" talked about at the end of vs. 3.  May His splendor be displayed in the comfort He gives us this season, as well as freedom,, light, a crown of beauty, the oil of joy and that garment of praise mentioned here.  I am so glad I have reason to find joy in this season in spite of missing Jenna so very much....

³

¨For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, 

and the government will be on his shoulders. 

And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, 

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.¨ 

Is. 9:6

Here is Steven Curtis Chapman´s song if you´d like to listen (it´s beautiful!):

Heaven in the Face

Photo by:  allthecolor

THIS YEAR´S PSALM OF THANKSGIVING

In spite of this separation from Jenna, there is thankfulness:

God is with us.
We have said innumerable times this year, ¨How do people without God do it?¨
We have a Rock, an Anchor, a Refuge, a ¨very present Help in time of trouble¨.
This whole year is crammed full of His sustaining grace & evident love.
In our brokenness, there is still blessing...

We got to say good-bye well.
We all had an amazing relationship with her.
We were all together with her until the very end.
In the last couple weeks, there was both a flow of forgiveness & appreciation.
There were blessings said to one another.
Nothing was left unsaid.

God took her quietly & peacefully in her sleep.
She was able to be at home.
We had great support here to care for her.
There was grace, so much grace.
The hospital is only 10 min away.
Special people came alongside of us to give of their expertise -
a nurse, a psychologist, a spiritual director, friends, our precious team.

Jenna was so thankful for the rich life she had in 23 years.
We are, too.
She lived a beautiful, love-filled, adventurous life.
She was fulfilling her dreams, not waiting around for them.
Her life was rich in spirituality, family, friends and love of all things ethnic.
She lived to develop her gifts, passions & growing sense of justice.
She would have loved to continue...she fought to continue.
But she recognized a whisper that came to her -
It came to beckon her to her next adventure.

God made the way for us to be together -
The leave of absence granted for Dani,
The flexibility & support of Jordan´s school for him,
Even the timing of Bruce´s sabbatical which although not ideal,
gave him more flexibility to be at home.
When I stepped back from various responsibilities to care for Jenna,
God gave me amazing opportunities through the blog to touch others -
even in a time of personal ¨hiddenness¨.

We are grateful for new windows into Spanish culture this year;
We experienced a compassion, interest and support like never before.
In our need they showed themselves to be faithful friends & neighbors,
They encouraged us in practical and verbal ways.
And in the end, at her death, they showed us how to grieve in community;
they showed up, they cried, they sat with us, they showed love & sadness...
And they always ask, every day they ask.

We thank God for the many who prayed & accompanied us -
The young people of Málaga who gathered multiple times in our home,
Many other friends who came to pray for Jenna.
Special people who had a burden for healing prayed for her.
Friends around the world who prayed - some even strangers.
People passed the word on & groups & families & individuals we didn´t even know
Were banging on heaven´s door for Jenna.
Some people pass through great pain alone.
We were surrounded.
Wow.

We are thankful for financial provision during this time -
Our insurance company and others who gave for the many holistic expenses.
The churches who helped us fly Dani home or help a couple of Jenna´s friends
fly out here to see her one more time.
For the two friends who developed the donation site so people could give easily online.
Individuals who gave generously just so we ¨could get away¨ or for any need.
God has provided for all our needs.
Everyone has blown us away.
He has blown us away.

We are full of gratefulness that He spoke to us all year,
That He sustained Jenna through such suffering with various verses and visions.
We are indebted to the kindnesses of so many who rallied practical help & who gave help.
We are overflowing with thanks for His presence, His nearness, which has been our good.
I am thankful for strength to remain positive & thankful.
We are thankful for the spiritual encouragement of those who came to sit with us
& just listen to God.
Thankful for His grace over our children and our marriage,
Thankful for crazy friends who came to the hospital and made us laugh,
Thankful we have God on our side, for Him as our Shepherd, that He is in charge.
There is peace in that.

This year as we enter this season of Thanksgiving, we acknowledge with melancholy - no, with an ache that won´t go away - that she won´t be sitting at our table.  But we also acknowledge the many other things we have which are causing our hearts to overflow with gratitude. So, in spite of subdued emotions, we offer our Psalm of Thanksgiving...

¨Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever...¨

Psalm 107:1

Photo by:  Tjololo Photo