Sunday, December 6, 2015


If there is pristine white
and the exquisite, perfect scent of pine from the greens,
If there's a deliciously lit tree with jubilant colors and the perfect amount of twinkling,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there's a poignant conversation with a loved one,
or a special exchange with a dear friend.
If there is music in unexpected places that surprises & stirs you,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there's comfort & art in the food,
If there's joyful laughter and the earthy smell of cinnamon.
If there are orange crackling fires and warm sweaters,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there's deep longing & anticipation in the advent waiting,
If there are tears of remembrance at an absence,
If there are questions & hesitancy on establishing new traditions,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there is beauty in carols or decorations or in people,
If there are ribbons or stockings or thankfulness,
If there are candles and melodies and mistletoe,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there is thought & action & blessing of those in need,
If there is genuine service & sacrifice to those without,
If there is thought and prayer for those struggling, for those far away,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there is pain in a heart for another, silent tears on cheek,
If there are gestures outside of self or love outside the familiar,
If there is filling of empty places & warmth for frozen lives,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there are cards to be opened with affection,
If there are secrets & winks & loving conspiracies,
If there are yuletide books & peppermint & mugs of steaming hot chocolate,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there are children & laughter & rosy cheeks,
If there are lists & traditions & long-awaited winter break,
If there are special holly-wrapped programs & events to celebrate the season,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there is family to be picked up at the airport,
If there is love and togetherness at long last,
If there are smiles and full cups and hearts,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there is growing closeness to the Savior born,
If there is new wonder at an old, old story,
If there is joy come upon the world,
It's a Christmas Alleluia.

If there is joy or sorrow or a melancholy mingling of both,
If there is grief rekindled in the midst of the delight,
If there is soul in your carols, and salty tears amidst the sweet,
It´s still a Christmas Alleluia.

*Just want to acknowledge Chris Tomlin's new song of similar title "A Christmas Alleluia".

Photo by:  Nana B. Agyei

Sunday, November 22, 2015


Written with big love & appreciation on the occasion of Karol's
 Masters Recital.  Karol, one of Jenna's dear Brazilian friends, generously
 dedicated her amazing performance to Jenna's memory.  (Post forthcoming on her recital!)

There is no other word for our longing
for this lovely soul.

For this lover of nations,
For this allegiant, lively friend,
For this ardently devoted fan of family.

For the head thrown back in laughter,
For the smile that lit the room,
For the elegant, mysterious way she carried herself,

For the cultural (& abundant!) odysseys in the kitchen,
For the practical jokes & bets,
For the deep philosophy at night,

For the opinions readily shared,
For the causes & principles she believed in,
For the zealous passion that spilled out around her,

For the broken heart for the poor & oppressed,
For the dreams & vision to make a difference,
For the intolerance for mediocre or indifference,

For the silent hours over a book or journal,
For the prayers poured out with paint or ink,
For the tender strumming of strings & heart,

For the love of learning & discovering,
For the insight & wisdom gently offered,
For the gift of bringing out the best in those around her,

For the genuine, honest heart,
For the last minute running with mate in hand,
For the stunning, natural beauty she was oblivious to,

For the love running over for God,
For the deep & authentic relationship,
For the passionate quest & journey for Love Himself,

For the uncommon global citizen who lived among worlds,
For the one who was nevertheless equally rooted & grounded,
For the girl who always came back to those she loved,

For the one who fought to live,
For the beauty & peace in her final surrender to the Master Plan,
For the one who went back home to the One she loves,

There is no other word for our longing 
For this lovely soul.

*Saudades:  An untranslatable Portuguese word referring to the "melancholic longing or is an evoking of a sense of loneliness and incompleteness...poignant sadness, indolent, dreaming wistfulness."                       - from

Photo by:  Carolina Franceschini, taken in Lebanon last year

Saturday, October 31, 2015


"...after you have done everything...stand." 

 Ephesians 6:13b

There are days in this last year plus that just getting out of bed has been a huge victory.  Standing and walking have been huge, too.  In the midst of a fierce, draining battle, standing is actually quite a remarkable and courageous act.

I know these verses are clearly couched in the heart of some of the most powerful and specific teaching on spiritual warfare in the NT.  Sometimes we differentiate between "trials" and "spiritual warfare" when really there is a complex overlap.  Isn't it all about living in a visible earthly realm with a heavenly invisible perspective?  Isn't it all about "making known the mystery" through our lives - especially in our suffering - whatever the catalyst or form our suffering has?  It may be that "simply standing" shows others God's amazing grace in far more tangible & dramatic ways than walking or running.

I have yet to meet someone who likes to be weak or to just "be standing" but if we had any kind of perspective on what it takes for a lot of us to "just stand", they would hold our deepest respect!

On my days when discouragement hovers over me because I get caught up focusing on how long it is taking to recover my physical strength & energy during this time of grief, how little I seem to accomplish in a day compared to before, the anxiety that quickly rises up in me in the face of any stress, the yo-yo of emotions that still overwhelm me, my lack of usual vision & passion in our work, my diminished emotional capacity for people and the spiritual questions that haunt me...I have to remind myself that it is just a day for standing.  "Just stand," He whispers to me, "Today, just stand."

So I am trying to rest in my standing.  To be patient in my standing, to be ok with my standing.  To let others stand with me and to let the world see that I am "just standing" at a time when I could be laying down.  Oh I pray they will see the mystery and grace of my standing!

In the words of Melbourne Street Artists Avant-Garde:

First photo by:  Hamed Masoumi

Monday, October 26, 2015


For my treasures, Daniela & Jordan

How my mother-wings long to stretch out over & around them!
Protecting, insulating, harboring...
I long to be a barrier between them & life.
Perhaps because there has been so much in the last year that I have been unable to control,
that now I feel an overwhelming desire to overprotect them -
from pain, sadness, from all that goes wrong, from defeat, rejection & shaken theology.
It is not right that they experience any more pain!
Any hint of potential hurt feels almost unbearable to me.
I feel so helpless before their vulnerability, so inadequate to shield them!

I never have been the hovering type -
but that was before tragedy touched us.
That was before our hearts were broken,
before our lives were changed forever.
Now I want the future to look differently,
And their safety has taken on an inordinate priority!
I have never been as conscious of their emotional safety in all my years as a mother.

Herein lies my struggle - the struggle  of all mothers, really -
I cannot keep them safe from everything.
Mother-wings are not enough.
Oh what a defeating thought for the mother bear inside me!

There is only one thing to do...
the thing that is always right to do...
surrender them to the One with Father-wings,
to the One who is Omni-Everything to them in all places & at all times - I cannot be that.

Help my heart at this altar place, Lord.
Help me in this surrender of my babies!
Help me to surrender the safety of their heart, their emotions, their well-being, their relationship with You, their self-confidence...
Help me in this stubborn wrestling to see them be insulated from what feels like a very big, bad world right now.
And please help me lay down my parental weapons and any illusions of control.

They really are safest in your Omni hands.
My Mother-wings are good for certain times & places -
Your Father-wings are good at all times and in all places!
Their safety is, in reality, only ever in Your control, in Your hands...
in the Shadow-Sanctuary of Your very Almighty wings.

Friday, October 23, 2015


"Then Peter got down out of the boat,
 walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and,
 beginning to sink, cried out, " Lord, save me!"

Matthew 14:29, 30

my eyes
on the One.
Who knows, who loves, who cries.
my heart 
on the immovable Rock.
Who stabilizes, secures, is unyielding.
my mind
on enduring Truth and Goodness.
My underpinning, my bedrock, my infrastructure.
my body
to the healing road of Life.
Sound, flourishing, wholeness.

Fix all of me, God,
on Your face.
And on Your extended hand to me.
The one stretched out across the rising waves all around me -
For You are ready to save.
I see it in Your face;
it is fixed with love on me.

Save me, O God,
from this ocean of emotions!
from tumultuous waves of fear & sadness,
from tides of regret & loss...
Calm the storm - the one inside me.

my eyes, 
O God.
My heart, mind & body, too.
Focus all of me...on all of You.
my eyes.

¨...let us run with perseverance the race 
marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes
on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...¨

Hebrews 12:1,2

Photo by:  Vagelis Kalampalikis

Tuesday, October 20, 2015


¨He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...
to comfort all who provide for those who grieve...
bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, 
the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise
 instead of a spirit of despair. ¨ 

Isaiah 61:1-3

In the midst of this pain, Lord,
Make me attentive.
Attentive to unexpected beauty.
Help me to see it, to perceive it.

Let me be in synch
with the Spirit´s redemptive craftsmanship
against this backdrop of tragedy.
A backdrop of ugly rawness, 
painful memories & the smoldering of death.

You say You will bring beauty -
Beauty from the ashes of death,
from the ashes of mourning...
You say You can transform even that.

So let me discern, O Lord,
this promised artistry.
Let me participate in its unfolding,
delight in its telling,
take comfort in its transforming blessing.

Grace my head, O King,
with the garland of beauty.
Grace my heart & life
with restored joy,
with laughter,
with dancing and song.

Make me attentive, Lord,
to the beauty.

Photo by:  Noukka Signe

Saturday, May 23, 2015


They talk to me about eternal -
that "1,000 years is like a day"
or "in the blink of an eye"
or the "thin veil" that separates us
from the wonder of heaven.

But I am here, trapped, in the temporal
and every day is an uncountable number
of blinks of an eye.
A day can feel like a 1,000 years.
And the veil may as well be the Great Wall of China.
Eternity feels so very far away.

Does is it seem unfair to be stuck here?
With loved ones & promises & perfection waiting there?
Oh to see the unknown purposes of God!

It's not that there are not promises for our here & now.
(If not, I would truly perish!)
But our heart is programmed for so much more!
Here we are just pilgrims passing through.
And right now I chaffe against this nomadic life,
this transitory sojourning with divided heart.
For ever since she left us,
I've wanted to be somewhere else like never before.

Oh Lord, give me patience for the days left to me!
Fill them with love & purpose!
And please, let my longings for heaven
transform into deepening passion
to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth.

More of heaven here, Lord, while we wait!
More love, more redemption, more healing,
more salvation, more freedom, more peace...
more of You, Jesus.

Until I can get to heaven, Lord,
Please help me to be one who brings heaven down.

My two realities:

Heaven is the Face by Steven Curtis Chapman

Heaven on Earth by David & Nicole Binion, Covenant Worship

Photo by: Hartwig HKD, Tree of Life

Thursday, May 21, 2015


"Awake, north wind, and come, south wind!  
Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere."

Song of Songs 4:16

Let this crushing produce
the desired sweetness,
Not bitterness.
Let the crushing press out
all that is not worthy or useful -
For the Master Alchemist is at work.

He is consumed
with creating my Life Fragrance.
There is a plan in this madness,
in this sadness.
A "beauty for ashes" kind of ending.
To unveil the Rose of roses,
the Lion of all lions -
in all His strength & loveliness.
And He has chosen one such as I.

Meanwhile, as I feel this weight,
the pressing of life in sadness & pain,
I feel the weight of purpose, too.
The purpose of sweet tears & fragrant petals,
prayers of surrender, whispered love,
all being crushed together,
mingling, running down.
The Master Alchemist is brewing
the unique Fragrance of my life into His.

Oh let it be sweet!
Let it be beautiful & intoxicating!
Like the love of this One
who has captivated me
& allured me to this desert place.
To begin again a garden,
to create fruitful vineyards,
to make beauty from ashes,
and an oil of joy for mourning.
He is my mystical, ancient, irresistible,
creative & Love-inspired Alchemist.

After all that has happened,
He is still my Beloved.
And so I trust Him, too,
as my Alchemist.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble),
a door of hope."

Hosea 3:14,15

Photo by:  PictureWendy

Tuesday, May 19, 2015


I had been thinking for a long time about getting a 3rd ear piercing.  But the really bright part of the idea was getting it in March.  Since I had done the others years ago when I was a teenager, I really had no recollection of pain nor was I calculating the difference in age or general state of being I was in at the time of the piercing.  If I had realized that it would keep me awake at night (because I sleep on my side) and take weeks and weeks to heal, I probably would have thought differently about it (or just thought about it, period).  I was in pain for weeks before I finally realized that extra, self-induced pain at this difficult juncture of my life was not only NOT a good idea, it was a really stupid one!  I took the earrings out for a couple days´ break and then - ciao - I couldn´t get them back in without pain & bleeding.  So, I am back down to 2 ear piercings...sigh.  (But I am sleeping better! )  

This led me to think that my stupid decisions during grief might possibly benefit others...and thus, this post.  Then again, the rest of you are probably smarter than me!


1.  Piercings & tattoos and/or any other potentially painful bodily markings or changes should probably wait til you feel pretty healthy.  Just may not make your best decisions right now.

2.  Major hairstyle changes or any other major changes in appearance should also wait til you have a better state of mind for decision making!  (A hair color change on me was frightening; my hair was weaker from all the stress and I regretted it big time!)

3.  Let your husband prune the garden.  This often doesn´t go well even in the best of times, but a man with pent up emotions with pruning shears in his hands can definitely produce some ¨unhappy wife¨ results!

4.  Work on future calendar items with said husband.  Take on any major home projects together.  Make any big decisions together. Haha.  While you can´t avoid all of this, try to limit it as much as possible as your style & pace of processing grief can be vastly different, complicating your already big differences in the first place.  Sensitivities are high & capacity & energy is low so give your marriage a break and take it slow!

5.  Attempt DIY memorial obelisks, cathedrals, monuments or other great architectural or artistic works in memory of your loved one too soon after the event.  (Unless you ARE a great architect or artist.)  You are all likely to be out of energy, patience, team spirit & camaraderie long before said work of memory is finished. You may end up with worse problems than grief on your hands!

6. Assume your way of grieving is the only way or the best way.  Each family member´s process and pace are different.  Giving space & support for each one - no matter how hard that may be for you - is vital to the family´s healing process.  Grieve differently - but grieve together.

7.  Conclude all the people who say stupid things to you (like ¨I know just how you feel¨) are really trying to be stupid.  They are really just humans trying to say something - anything! - helpful at a very difficult & awkward time.  You probably didn´t know what to say either until it happened to you.  Grieving is extremely hard - but knowing what is appropriate to say is hard, too, and we should all extend grace to each other.

8.  Get a pet.  Any pet.  A regular pet.  An exotic pet. A black market pet.  Any pet that requires one ounce of extra energy that you don´t presently have.  We tossed around many ideas in our pain, desiring something warm & fuzzy and comforting during our roughest days.  The problem is, we have had a number of pets and even though we miss them, we have had enough experience to know that in our housing situation, they take work.  Lots of it.  And our other big insight was that there is no perfect pet.  I had dreams of a dog who knew just how I felt and would quietly curl at my feet when I was writing, be energetic when I wanted to go out on a long walk and would never pee or poop, bark inappropriately or dig up my plants.  Stupid, right?  We just don´t make the best decisions when under duress.  Of course, if you already have pets,  have lots of experience with pets or you are a Pet Whisperer, by all means, go ahead.

9.  Find escape, solace or any kind of comfort whatsoever in facebook games that falsely promise to help you enhance your fragile-sense-of-self-while-grieving find meaning.  Knowing what Disney Princess you are most like, what your nose says about your personality, what farm animal reflects your temperament most accurately, what your middle initial says about you or what Egyptian hieroglyphic reveals your hidden genius are truly NOT helpful partners during grief.  

10.  Try to follow all the advice you get:   Don´t be alone too much.  Don´t hang out with crowds if you don´t feel like it.  Eat.  But don´t overeat, overdrink, overshop, watch too much tv or engage in anything that could be escapist behavior.  Talk if you need to.  Don´t talk if you don´t want to.  Be kind to yourself.  Get lots of rest (but get your work done, too).  Cry freely.  Plan times to grieve when you can be alone & give yourself over fully to it.  Find artistic outlets.  Find physical outlets.  Be strong.  Don´t be afraid to feel weak.  Take your time.  Move on with your life.  Etc., etc., etc.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See how much I´ve learned so far?  I could write a book!

All photos from Goggle images

Sunday, May 17, 2015


"...let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, 
and let them be give light on the earth."

Genesis 1:14

I am a marked woman.

It's not something that you see at a glance
or notice in a quick exchange.
It's something deeper, more profound.
Life has changed forever.
Life has marked me forever.
The well of my heart is deepening, expanding.
My mind is still actively pondering the changes,
Clarifying what they are...
and who I will become.

This journey of healing is not about
"getting better so I can get back to who I was and what I was doing"
That could never be!
No, everything has changed
 and I must change, too.

So I bring the things I am noticing and pondering
to the One who knows me and who shaped me 
and who has faithfully shepherded me so far.
He knows all about these things
And His marks on us are mysteriously lovely.

So we walk and we talk and sometimes we just sit in silence.
And I wait and receive from Him
counsel, encouragement, courage
and a deepening ability to surrender.
A surrender
to Love, to Change,
and to Who I am becoming...

I notice that there is a smile
on His lips and around His warm eyes...
And I know I must be on the right path.
The one marked for me,
the one that is marking me.
the one that has His mark.

I smile back,
Content to be a marked woman.

Your comments are welcome and encouraged.  I have tried to simplify the process so that more of you will join in!

Photo from

Sunday, May 10, 2015


I received this amazing note from a friend about 10 days before I made the Dandelion post. It is a sample of one of the ways the Spirit of God is blowing seeds around the nations! So cool!

Dear Pam,

I'm writing you from India, where my husband and I are working. I only ever had a couple of conversations with Jenna but her kindness, grace, and stunning beauty always stood out to me.

I wanted to write to let you know I thought about your family about once a week in September, and you have come to mind in prayer almost everyday (often multiple times a day) over the last seven months. I didn't know Jenna well at all, but I wept every night for about a week after her journey into heaven and still do some days. I'm so deeply grieved thinking about what you as a family are facing in this loss. I will continue to lift you up to the Father asking him to bring the supernatural comfort only he provides.

Jenna's life and death and the words of your blog have had a lasting and profound impact on me. Thank you for sharing your heart, pain, and wisdom. Your words have a stirred in me a deeper desire for faith and trust. The loss of Jenna's life here on Earth was a stark reminder of the reality that life here is short and that heaven is home. Never before have I longed so intensely for God's Kingdom to come in fullness and for every single person to get to partake in it. I shared Jenna's story with several neighbors here in India and the Spirit was present as we talked about what our purpose in life really is.

I remember a prophetic word you shared on your blog about Jenna's passing being like the grain of wheat that Jesus talks about in John. Through death, the grain is able to produce many more seeds than if it had clung to life. I wanted to let you know that a small part of the fruition of that word is happening here in India. You wrote on another post that one of the prophetic words over Jenna's life was being a mother of all nations. I think some of that word is also being realized here.

I wrote this song after reading your blog and as I prayed for you all a couple months ago:

Anthem of Praise (Grieving Song)

Where else would we go?
You have the words everlasting
Where else would we go?
For mercy unending, for grace beyond compare

Like a river, flow
Fill our souls with this grace
Like an ocean, deep
We have known your mercy

This is an anthem of praise
In the midst of the suffering, the heart of the pain
This is an anthem of joy
For nothing, not even death, can remain

And to the broken-hearted
You've said you will be close
Come, come sweet Spirit
Gently bind us up

In faith, we will stand firm
We have yet to see all that's in store
Before we've tasted, before we know
We believe, we believe

I will continue to pray (along with hundreds of others, I'm sure) for space to grieve and for rays of hope to pierce even this darkest night. Jenna and your whole family has a legacy that reaches farther than you will probably know in this lifetime. I'd love to reconnect with you all someday.

(this friend prefers to remain anonymous)

Hopefully she can record this song & share it with us!

Photo: Amit Gupta

Jenna was in India back in 2008, helping a language arts school with her dear friend Azahar.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015


Can someone please tell me when and how the lowly dandelion made it to tattoo status?  My Dad used to make us dig them out of the lawn on Saturday mornings!  They used to be considered a weed but today their leaves have gourmet status, their profile has art status, their seeds have mystical wishing status and they've even achieved literary status inspiring a myriad of sayings from gothic to Hallmark.

Dandelions now grow virtually worldwide.  They spread further, are more difficult to exterminate and grow under more adverse circumstances than most competitors. *  So in addition to its step up to the art league, it is also international and has a strength & determination factor.  I like that.

I hadn't paid much attention to dandelions since childhood, frankly.  But when our close friend Amy had a vision about Jenna that involved a dandelion's seeds back in October before she died, I started paying more attention...

Amy had gone out to pray for Jenna in the countryside among some olive trees.  As she prayed for Jenna, a full-orbed dandelion was blowing in the wind and kept returning to her.  She felt the Lord speak to her heart that the seeds of Jenna´s life would be spread in the offering up of her life.  She remembered a painting of the artist Lilias Trotter who gave 40 years of her life to Algeria (Jenna would have loved that) and the sense that Jenna´s life was to be offered up for something greater was very strong.  She wept and wrote and prayed and later gave us a letter and  lent us the book A Blossom in the Desert where many of Lilias´ paintings and writings are compiled.  Amy also made copies of Lilias' painting & poem in card form to hand out at the memorial:

Suddenly the "lowly" dandelion became very special to us.

Other people had visions about seeds and her legacy and Doralicia (another very special friend) shared this verse at the memorial service:

"Very truly I tell you,
 unless a kernel of wheat falls 
to the ground and dies,
 it remains only a single seed. 
 But if it dies, it produces many seeds."  

John 12:24

Dora blessed Jenna's legacy:  "we want to bless all the relationships, conversations and all the efforts and contributions that Jenna participated in and we want to bless them so that they bear much fruit and multiply.  Our investment in the kingdom of heaven here on earth is never in vain ..."  She also prayed for this generation and blessed their lives and work for the kingdom.  Jenna would have loved that, too, for her heart beat for her generation to take up the baton and make a difference.

Why am I reviewing all of this?  Because God keeps speaking through the lowly dandelion!

One day in November I found this little treasure at an art stall here in Málaga.  It was like God spoke confirmation over the truth of the dandelion for us. The music and the birds of peace & hope were such a gift to me:

Then, just this week I was out on a walk and was stopped short by the biggest dandelion I had ever seen!  It was as big as one of Jordan´s balls!  The dandelions keep speaking...

Months had passed since my last ¨dandelion encounter¨ (although I had noticed their growing popularity in general) and this time God spoke clearly to my heart:  ¨I have NOT forgotten that promise.  The seeds and flowers of Jenna´s legacy will be far bigger than you can even ask or imagine!¨

You can imagine my love affair at this point with the lowly dandelion.  What was once a weed to me is now transformed into something extremely precious.

Sometimes I wish I could save some of the blessings of this legacy:

But I´m pretty sure God wants them floating freely...landing where He has sovereignly destined them to be:

But...I might just have to get me one of these:  ;)

May God release more and more fruit through this generation - and all of us - for the kingdom of God through our stewardship of Jenna's legacy...through the one seed that dies to produce "many seeds".

You can read more about the vision of seeds and Jenna's legacy (including videos from the Memorial) at:

*quote from Steve Brill's book A Meddlesome, But Toothsome Weed, Dandelion

Photos by (in order of appearance):

Lilias Trotter
Pam (4)
Dandelion Wishes Pictures
Dandelion Breeze
Dandelion Tattoo (Google Images 14235)
Dandelion AirMech Forums

Monday, May 4, 2015


Loss has left me bereft of love -
Or so it seems.
Not for her - my heart aches for her -
but of love for others.

It seems I have lost my capacity to love
And I am so distressed!
There is no energy, no passion,
no motivation, no will power.
I desire - yet cannot - comprehend my friends´ problems
or my neighbors´ chatting.
I so want to care!
But there is no room, no place to put
the concerns of anyone else...
All my love spaces, my concerned places,
my rooms of compassion, the shared sanctums of my heart,
are full of grief.
They are too full to hold more.

So I sit at coffee listening like a tomb
to my dearest of friends.
I cannot understand her sharing -
Today it is a foreign language.
My brain defensively blocks her out,
subconsciously setting a protective limit for me.
I fight against it & try to refocus -
But I have no memory of what she just said.
I am undone by my own guilt & dysfunction -
I want to engage...but cannot.

Later I am in the stands at my son´s soccer game,
surrounded by other parents who happily chat.
I am overwhelmed by their loudness,
by their superficial talk.
It reverberates in my head like a migraine.
I say enough to let them know I´m there
But not enough to engage or truly ¨be present."
This outing exhausts me.

What is wrong?
I try to get out, for instinctively I know I need to.
Yet it takes a colossal effort to enter in.
I am painfully aware 
Of the inadequacies of my heart,
of my own impotence to wrap my arms around any more
than what they already carry.

Oh to be able to bear the burden of love!
Oh that love would be weightless!
Oh to find joy in listening intently!
Or laughing loudly or chatting with friendliness!

Some friends say I must be
"kind to myself, patient"
But today I am impatient with my weariness!
Impatient with my frailty around others.
I don't care or don't want to care or can't care
because of this emotional love-depletion.
I find myself just trying to survive the day.

Oh! Author of love!
Please hasten the day
when my heart,
carved up by grief & then healing,
has slowly drained some of its sadness,
& expanded in its capacity to give again...
To love again,
to care again,
naturally & unfeigned.
Love will be back -
sweeter & deeper than before.

The Love Author Himself whispers to me:
"Be kind & patient with yourself as I am.
I am with you & am guiding your journey.
You are on schedule."

I breathe a sigh of relief.
I am human.
I will love again.

Where did the love go?

It´s just very busy holding me for a little while -
it will soon be back.

Photo by:  Kiz BadArt Team

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