HE DID IT AGAIN

He did it again.

Sent us what we like to call in Spanish ¨un mimo de Dios¨.

This can be loosely translated as an affectionate act of God that is unexpected & undeserved.  Something like a message of TLC.  I LOVE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT!

This last week has hit us like a terrible surprise gone wrong.  Just when everything was finally moving upwards & forwards & while the smile was still upon our lips of celebration at the gaining of 2 kilos, we were back in the soup again.  The tide had finally been turned & Jenna was feeling better, gaining weight and handling the NG tube with grace.  When the vomiting started - and wouldn´t stop - it was hard to not ask Why?  But here we are at the hospital again.

He seems to know just when we need something special.  I´m afraid I´m going to get spoiled!

On Friday evening we watched part of a TV program which is broadcast in England.  The host, a friend who works here in So. Spain, Kurt Kettner-Borough, shared a bit of Jenna´s story and then prayed for her.  There are thousands of viewers and we were super touched that he took time to do that for our family!  That was ¨un mimo de Dios¨ for us!

Then on Sunday, we started receiving photos from 5 friends who ran in a local race for Women Against Cancer here in Málaga.  They all ran for Jenna as their t-shirts and signs proclaim:

This is Daniela on the right with ¨Jenna¨on her t-shirt.  She is a friend from high school.

Here is Lidia, a dear friend who is a nurse and has visited often with Jenna during all of this.  Her sign says:  ¨This race is for you, wishing you a speedy recovery.  We love you so much, Jenna!¨

This is Mel, who in addition to running, set up a Whats App prayer group

 of youth for Jenna that we use all the time to post current requests.

These are 4 from our church in downtown Málaga: L to R: 

 Yolanda, Lidia, Mel & Wendi.  Aren´t they awesome!??!

So, He has encouraged us this week in two very unexpected & unique ways.

He is just the best.

And thanks to ALL of you out there who continually show your love in amazing ways that humble us, bring us to tears, encourage us, bless us, cause us to be filled with thanks to God and give us strength when we think we have no more.  You are all LA CAÑA!!!! (that´s a really cool thing.)

Photo by:  Stephen.James

ROLLER COASTER LIFE

On Jordan´s birthday in April, I rode a roller coaster with he and his friends.

And that, my friends, is the visual of our life of late.

Up and down, slow then fast, curves and long climbs, heart leaps & flops, scary & exciting all at the same time.

Except that I didn´t pay for this ride.  Or wait in line for it.  Or even want to get on it.

I am stuck on it.

Last year at our town´s fair I got on a ride with Jordan that I regretted:  the Viking Ship.  When I was younger I could do any ride at all, no problem.  But for some reason I don´t seem to have the same tolerance for those things.  That ride started and at first it was fun...but then it kept going...and going...and going.  It literally would not stop.  I started feeling so sick and I couldn´t wait to get off!  Our town´s fair is next weekend...and I will NOT be getting on the Viking this year!

I´m glad I have that choice.

This cancer journey has definitely been like a roller coaster in many ways.  Except that none of us chose to get on.  Lately we have been up and down so many hills it´s dizzying.  Your emotions get all flopped around.  You´re up one day and down the next.  There´s a successful climb & exciting view and then there´s a plummeting to the depths.  Or sometimes some of us are down while others are still at the top and the varying emotions are conflicting.  One thing we all agree on:  this ride is VERY long.  Way too long.  And we would all like to get off.

We have viewed this journey in 4 stages: big surgery, recovery. chemo, then more recovery.  We just never thought recovery after surgery would ever get so complicated and delay chemo (and thus the end) so long.  We knew she would lose weight but had no idea how difficult it would be to regain it.  We heard her body had to readjust and learn to re-eat again but had no idea how much pain and vomiting and perseverance it would involve.  We heard you have to advocate for the patient but had no idea how exhausting that would be.  We heard there would be good days and bad days - but until you experience them, you really have NO idea.

No two people´s cancer journeys are the same.  And no family can ever be ready for a young person´s illness, can they?  We certainly weren´t.  But her surgery was February 3rd.  That was more than 3 months ago!  And after weeks of struggling to eat by mouth, she is finally on the NG tube getting extra nutrition.  It took us a long time to get to this point.  Now 2 weeks later, we had a great 2 kilo weight gain and then with this week´s vomiting, have lost it all again.

We´re strapped in and stuck here and have to stay on til the train stops.  Some days I want to scream for this train to stop.  But the Conductor must make that call.  He must bring us to the end of this journey.  He must remove the security restraints.  He has to be the One to let us off. 

Until then we ask daily for perseverance, endurance and patience.  We battle against places of discomfort, discouragement & fear.  We thank God for those who hold up our weary arms.  We fight to stick together.

It´s a good thing the Conductor is my Good Shepherd.  Because I would have Houdini´ed my way out of that belt and jumped off a long time ago!

I´m glad this ¨ride¨ is in His hands.

Thanks for hanging with us.

Photo by:  TJ Scott

SUPPOSED TO

We were supposed to be there.  

We were supposed to be watching her on Saturday, May the 2nd.  We were supposed to be full of pride and joy, of gratitude to God, enjoying a full weekend of  celebration & emotion.  We were supposed to be jetlagged from having flown from Spain to California to watch her receive her diploma - our firstborn's BA in Global Studies with two minors.  We were supposed to celebrate with her and her friends these wonderful, life-changing four years together.  We were supposed to make that memory.

But we didn't.

I think I mourned it more than she did!

But when the pictures started popping up on Facebook it became very real, very hard and felt so very far away.  We saw the weight of the emotion on her face.  We felt both the happiness for friends and the mourning of her own loss.  She has bravely walked up to this day and has maturely embraced that there will be another time for her.  But can we just give her this time to mourn?  Can she just mourn not being part of the rush of all the To Do's for graduation with her dearest friends, of not ordering any announcements or taking photos or personalizing her sash, picking out her outfit, packing up her room, having a million last lunches & coffees & late night talks on campus?  Can we just give her this time to ask tough questions like:  will she be done with chemo in time to finish her last semester and graduate in 2015?  Will her graduation photos be with really short hair?  Will she know many people in the graduating class of 2015?  

We'll give her all the time she wants.

In the meanwhile, God has been doing His God-thing and sent her a really precious gift:

                

This is Becca.  Another Global Studies major.  She is also one of those crazy TCK's (Third Culture Kid) like Jen who has grown up among various countries & whose world is really big.  She sent this picture to let Jenna know that she wore this ribbon for her throughout graduation.  So did all the others from her Global Studies cohort.  Jen was so touched that she just bawled.  In a way, she was present after all!  She walked the line with them!  She celebrated with them!  She was there!!  Wow.  Such a gift.

So, these special kisses sent from friends, the last minute photos with your dearest groups and your whole graduating class' well wishes were summed up in a little ribbon that said to her...you were missed, you were remembered, you were celebrated...

(cont´d below)

We look forward to the future things God has planned for Jenna.  We know this year is about learning things that cannot be learned in a classroom.  (There are many days she wishes she could be back there!)  But we choose to believe there will be a mark left on her life from this year. A mark on her heart.  A mark on her spirit, on her character, on her soul.  There will be a definite before and after.  A pre-cancer Jenna and a new & changed Jenna.  There are powerful, life-changing things going on that none of us are even really fully aware of right now...It's going to be amazing to see them unfold!  God's curriculum is our most treasured education.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  

Jeremiah 29:11  

Plans to give her hope and a future?  Absolutely!

photo by: Kevin Dooley

THE PIERCINGS & THE ROSE

(On finally figuring out that this journey is not really about cancer - it´s about my heart.)

                                                                                                                                                                        

I lost count a while back
of the number of thorns -
the thorns that have pierced me
during this journey.

There are crimson drops of blood

Beaded & glistening at each pinhole -

A tribute to the thorns´ severe mercy.*

Each piercing broke into my life,
into my safe interior.

It seems a raw & violent intrusion

On my inner life.

These piercings touch me in deep places

where tears & blood drops flow.

Places I didn´t know about -

places dark & hidden within me.

The piercings direct little shafts of light

from the outside to the depths.

Revealing, exposing, unmasking
a deep down ugliness.

Sins, habits, responses
Attitudes, traits & weaknesses -

They are caught in the light,
forced into plain view, slinking or screaming.

I feel appalled, embarrassed, humiliated

Confused & terrified of my own self, I bolt

I run & run & run until I collapse, heaving with sobs.

I crawl into a shadowed place, afraid.

In a desperate & exhausted heap

I cry hot tears until there are none left.
Their salty heat burns with this truth:

There is no place to run from yourself.

 I see with a start that the thorns are not in themselves my trial -

Their piercings deflect to the Spirit´s intended target -

My heart, ¨the wellspring of life¨

Of course!  He is always about deeper things.

The visible trial is always about the inner life.

Now I face this poignant decision:
to ¨let¨ the piercings have their ¨perfect result¨
or to resist this sacred proposition.
To focus on the thorns -
or surrender myself to the Rose of Sharon.

I realize with shame
that what is seen can be wasted 

when instead of deep change we allow it

to produce pity in others for us,

or bitterness in ourselves,
or walls with those we love,
or simply, defeat.

The piercings in the valley

are utterly painful

But as I surrender myself in my ugliness

to the One who knows 

of tears drops & blood drops,
of hearts & piercings

I find a fellow Sufferer -

and a Saviour.

He shepherds & counsels me

through pain, darkness & terrifying ugliness

He ushers in little miracles 

of change, of surrender, of release.

He gives strength & spiritual courage

to enter forbidden closets.

Restoration Will Come.

But right now it is the time of the valley of piercings.

It is a time for mourning & confession,

It is a time for making right & being honest,

It is a time for tear drops & blood drops.

Yet here,  even here among the thorns, there is a Rose.

He holds me, breathes for me, cries with me

He leads me to green pastures,

He brings Presence into the valley.

Knowing there will be velvety roses of character

makes the sacred piercing of thorns a bit easier.

Understanding there will be perfume from the crushing

makes cooperating with the Spirit´s plan sweeter.
Hearing His voice whisper that there will be beauty
when the tears & blood drops are dried, is a comfort.

Believing in the Rose of Sharon among thorns
means everything to me.
He knows of piercings,
and of severe mercies.
He knows this valley;
 He knows how the story ends.

I found this Rose,
my Rose,
in the Valley of Piercings...
I found Him in the only place you find a rose -
among the severe mercy of thorns.

*¨severe mercy¨ is originally coined in A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken.  His magnificent autobiography tells of he and his wife´s relationship, their spiritual quest and her death.  Our struggles to understand why there is pain & loss in this world if God is all-powerful and all-loving, are beautifully crafted in this classic which includes letters with their friend C.S. Lewis. 

Photos (in order of appearance) by: 

sudesh,  mandragor.de, Linda Knight, Len Mathews, pea sap, James Bowe

SPIRITUALITY UNDER CRISIS

  

I have seen in myself and in other friends that what works for us spiritually during normal times of life is not the same as what works in crisis.  I´m not promoting changing gods or religion! I´m talking about our practices that give us the sense of nearness & connectedness with God.  While it seems logical that we change under stress & crisis, often we don´t realize why the same practices that have worked before don´t - and we can feel guilty & confused because of that.

In ¨normal¨ life circumstances I really enjoy reading the Scriptures, doing different studies and reflecting on them in a journal.  When I am in crisis, I find my concentration is so short that reading more than a few verses at a time is a monumental challenge!  Understanding my own physiology - that a short attention span and difficulty concentrating are common symptoms of stress - has helped me to accept my new - and temporary - reality.

The first time this happened in a major life crisis, it was very upsetting to me.  My inability to read the Scriptures with delight made me feel like a spiritual failure...I didn´t understand why what had always brought me joy & insight now made me feel frustrated & inadequate...not to mention far from God because my point of connection was not working!  It took me years to reconcile this within myself and to make healthy adjustments - and to see, to my surprise, that He blessed those adjustments!  It wasn´t the same; it was different...but it worked and I learned to experience Him in new ways in the midst of the storm.

Concentration in prayer was also a failed experience although I could still pour out all I was experiencing to Him, it seemed that prayer had become reduced to me and my crisis...the difficulty took on a protagonism that was disturbing!  When under great stress, I had little energy to cope beyond the situation at hand and to look outward to others...I felt curled up in a survival mode and unable to move out at times beyond myself.  Talk about feeling ugly & self-centered!  Again, when I could understand that physiologically, that basic need to survive is God-given, and the preservation of energy for the battle at hand is a coping mechanism,  then I could accept the changes that were occurring.  It helped to remind myself often that this was temporary.

What I am NOT saying with all of this is that crisis gives us license to leave the Scriptures behind or to ignore others.  What I AM saying is that making adjustments during crisis is necessary, healthy,  encouraged and blessed by God.  There is freedom, people!  We are not limited or trapped by what is usual, normal, acceptable, practiced by ¨everyone else¨.  God is bound by no one nor any practice.  We can be pretty sure that He is the One most open to creative approaches to being connected with Him.

Over the years I have experimented with having ¨quiet times¨ with God in shorter intervals throughout the day instead of in one large block of time, pray while walking or read right after exercising when my mind is clearest (sometimes that´s the only time its clear all day!)  I have released myself from big commitments to Bible studies and have taken to meditating on a few verses at a time, imagining myself in a Bible story and experiencing Christ there, writing out my thoughts & prayers - especially my own laments - and listening to music to drown out anxious or negative thoughts.  Enjoying art & nature in fresh ways have also successfully taken me to His presence. Sometimes having others pray for me when I lacked words & strength was the only way I could pray.  Pursuing new methods has opened my heart up in new ways and deepened my experience of Him in ways I never dreamed.

Are you facing a trial that has you drowning in your own attempts to find Him in it?  If something isn´t working right now, it does not mean that you are a failure or that it may not work again for you in the future.  Why not invite Him to Shepherd you through this valley in new ways?  Determine to be open to finding some new avenues of communion with the One who is always there.  Find what does work!  You will be surprised to discover new facets of your relationship with Him...you will be blessed to experience Him in new ways in some of your darkest hours...you will realize anew that He is so deep, so vast, that we could experiment for all of eternity with different ways of knowing Him and never know it all!  He is limitless.  Why do we limit the ways we use to feel close to Him?



Photo by:  ihu03141

UNSPOKEN

                                                                                                                                                                           
                                                                                                                                                           
So much is said here... 

yet so much more is left unsaid.

So many details explained...

and yet so many left out.

So many emotions made public...

and so many more kept private.

So much effort to be honest...

yet not all can be expressed.

It is not always mine to tell.

Or it is not the time.

Sometimes it is too raw or too new,

unresolved or too personal.

Sometimes I want to let it all out -

kicking & screaming & typing my way to release & relief.

But I can´t.

I love them all too much.

I close myself up with my Audience of One

where I can say & write anything.

Where all can be spoken - yet it is safe.

Uttered - yet held secretly guarded.

Written - yet not published.

He is the fairest & purest of audiences.

There are no cares about how or why anything is said.

I hurt no one, reveal no secrets.
I speak & write, unedited.

He listens & counsels, unrehearsed.

It is a hard balance, this cyber world,

this instant audience,

this friends & strangers at fingertip.   

I want to share our story,

be genuine & transparent throughout this pain

to let you all see - and feel - what it is like.

To encourage you in your faith,

in your own journey.

I also long to see how He shows up

and to have it recorded for my children.

I yearn for them to see that 

with Him all things are possible

and that He is longing for authentic faith -

not a religion but an honest face-to-face,
walk-it-out-every-minute-of-every-day relationship. 

I am on a quest here

of writing, of recording

of honesty, of vulnerability

of encouraging, of discipling

of mistakes, of imperfection

of real life and real faith.

I hope you will hang in there with us

to see how this story ends.

Photo by: Federica Rainó

IT´S ALL ABOUT LIFE

Every year at Easter I have the sincere desire to fast forward through the soberness of Friday to the joy & hope of Sunday. 

Am I alone in this?

I want to appreciate the death of Christ, His suffering, what it cost Him & what it accomplished for me and mankind but I honestly cannot take it all in.  It is so overwhelming, so sad, so full of pain and heaviness that I can´t linger there long. 

I am the kind of person who shuts her eyes in every violent scene in a movie and only made it through about 10 minutes of The Passion before leaving!

All of this doesn´t mean I am not thankful.  Or unaware of my own sin. Nor does it mean I don´t need to grow in this.  

I love my Redeemer.  I worship the Saviour.

It´s just that He came to give LIFE.  He Himself IS life.  And that LIFE triumphed on Sunday´s resurrection.  Of course there was a necessary path of death for there to even be a resurrection.  But, in the end, this is all about LIFE.

This year has been a heavy year.  And as Easter draws near, I have had a deeper desire than ever to celebrate LIFE, HEALING, HOPE.  It is a deep need within our family this year.  I hope this is ok with Him.  I think it is...

You may have seen my Easter Tree that I made to celebrate this year.  It´ something different for us.  Something visually symbolic of life and hope. It is made from an olive branch to remind us of the Garden´s pain.  But it keeps us looking forward to promises, to spring, to renewed faith, to upcoming healing, to miracles, big and small, and mostly, to LIFE.

                                     

                              

                              

                              

Here in Spain, everyone is focused on Jesus´ death through elaborate processions in the streets.  It is countercultural here to make Sunday the big day but it is the big day for me!

I realized this week that this is the first Easter in 5 years that we have all 5 been together!  That is special, too.  And even if Jenna doesn´t have strength to make it to church, we will be celebrating LIFE on that day in various ways.  Because Jesus, who is LIFE, is what this is all about...

...and THAT´S worth celebrating everyday.

Photo by:  Brian Haslam