JESUS´ SACRED GRIEF MISSION

Did you know that part of Jesus´ sacred mission on earth was to care for the brokenhearted?  Did you know the whole ¨beauty for ashes¨ thing is for real?  There have been days I found it hard to believe  yet I have been struck lately with the prominence of verses given to this subject - particularly in this classic passage of Scripture about the Messiah´s mission:

¨The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me 

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord´s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion -

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,

the oil of joy instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.¨ 

Isaiah 61:1-3

I have highlighted the phrases directly related to grief within this sacred mission statement and they are about half!  This part of His healing ministry has great significance (not to take away from the others).  In fact, at the end of vs.3, it says this:

¨They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.¨ 

Isaiah 61:3

The powerful yet tender transformation required to take the ones who are broken and grieving, sad, exhausted, depressed, in darkness, unable to cope or function on certain days, angry, confused, in faith crises, with their whole life on hold and their physical health on edge is absolutely stunning.  The beauty for ashes thing is not a joke.  Nor is it a dream.  But it is impossible -  except for the Redeemer of Grief and Death, the Transformer of ashes and all that is grey.  Only He can turn all that into a beautiful, colored garland to be worn on our head where all can see it.

To take a hurting, brokenhearted person from the ash heap of death and transform them into an ¨oak of righteousness¨ is nothing short of a miracle!  The fact that these people become ¨a planting of the Lord ¨ shows that it is an intimate, personal work done by the Redeemer Himself.  The incredible end result of this redemptive work is ¨the display of His splendor.¨  Wow!  As he is transforming me in my grief process, he is using it as part of his sacred mission in this world to show Himself!  I get to be part of that!

If you are grieving, please know that the Savior is very near and very committed to helping you get to the other side.  He is for you and He shows it in these verses.  For your broken heart, there is a binding up. for your mourning, there is comfort, for your grief, there is provision, for the ashes of death there is a crown of beauty, for your mourning there is an oil of joy and for the spirit of heaviness or despair, there is a garment of praise.  Some days these may seem a million miles away...but they will come.

Beauty does rise and Jesus is on mission to provide for your grief! 

Graphic by distelfliege

REDEEMER OF DEATH

Redeemer of Death,
you can bring life.
Even after the ugliest of deaths,
in spite of the bitterest of tears,
in the face of misunderstanding,
disappointment, confusion.
You did this already
on an Easter long ago.

Redeemer of Death,
who breathed this promise:
I will "bestow on them
a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...¨
You did this already
on an morning long ago.

Redeemer of Death,
You placed on the Messiah the Spirit
and sent Him to ¨bind up the brokenhearted¨
as part of His sacred mission.
You anointed Him for this,
equipped Him for it.
You did this already
on an evening long ago.

Redeemer of death,
you can bring Life
even after my daughter´s death,
even after my own heart was broken.
In the face of the impossibility
of beauty to be found in this ash heap.
You are doing this
on Easter...and every day.

You are the only one I know
who stands crowned:
Redeemer of Death.

LETTING GO OF GRIEF

There comes a time in the grief journey when grieving becomes almost comfortable.  It's familiar, it's daily, it's a loyal companion.  For some, it may be a subtle way of getting desired attention, extra space, kindnesses or pity.   Grief seems to take on a personality of it's own and becomes jealous and greedy of your healing - so much so that it threatens to become your identity instead of just your process.  In a strange turn of events, grief can become a deceptive, clingy, over-friendly enemy.  Recognizing and confronting this comfortableness at the time that is right for you is crucial to ongoing healing.

While everyone's grief experience is unique, for me I started to become aware of this certain comfortableness through two feelings I had not had for a very long time:  occasional boredom and restlessness.  Subtle tensions began to arise between the desire to protect myself from any external energy drainers outside of grief and some actual thoughts of wanting to do more.  Because of my flexible work, my overwhelmingly understanding co-workers and a little bit of prior experience with grief, I gave myself a lot of permission to grieve.  I am still in process but I can honestly say that I have been proactive with the counsel given to me.  So when these prickings of the heart and mind began to come, they were strange and not entirely welcome.

I began to have a series of thoughts in certain opposition to each other like:

"Have I been giving myself too much permission to grieve?"  "What if I start doing more and it is too anxiety-producing?" "What if I don't have the capacity for more?"  "How much is just right?" "What have I been doing with my life?!" "I don't want to do the wrong things before who I know who I'm supposed to be!"  "Who AM I supposed to be?"  "Does this mean I am forgetting her?"

It wasn't until I started paying more attention to the significance of these things and seeing the guilt and confusion for what it was: growing pains - that I could begin to move forward again.  I am beginning to acknowledge that I feel out of practice at being busy & productive and am not at all sure I want to go back there.  I long to do things from a deeper place and this whole experience has changed some of my priorities.  Some days I feel completely overwhelmed at the thought of all the catching up I have to do - relationally, professionally, physically, personally.  So many things have been put on hold since Jenna´s illness and death.  There are so many things I have not done - let alone done well - in these last 2 years.  How will I ever catch up?

Like all fears that immobilize us, how will I know if I don´t try?  I sense it´s time to step out on some things, to begin to experiment with my energy level and capacity for people, activity & work.  The work I have done on a limited basis has sometimes been exhausting but for the most part I'm happy that they have been almost all successful even if they were short-term.

I don´t regret the choices I've made thus far.  It has had to be this way in order for me to do my most important jobs: grieve and help my family.  I have a friend who also lost a daughter unexpectedly in her early 20´s who says, ¨Grieving is a full-time job; everything else you do is overtime!¨ Who knows where I would be if I hadn´t fully given myself to the task?  I could be ahead in a lot of other things and a mess inside.

Committing to long term projects is scary...there are many what ifs in my mind taunting me.  What if I fall back into a dark time and lose my strength?  What if I fall apart at some important presentation?  What if I commit to  a trip and then find myself miserable?  What if I commit to something six months away and my kids are in crisis?  Then again, don't we all face what ifs in life?  Are mine really that different?

These growing pains have got my attention.  I know this for sure:  I do NOT want to hold onto grief just because it is familiar!  It must be in its proper place and serve its rightful task.  I pray for discernment and strength as I walk forward into the future that looks so very different now...

THE SILVER-ROSE RAY

From the womb of the dawn

came a ray of light.

It shimmered silvery-rose

upon the dark, silhouetted horizon.

¨Wake up!¨ she whispered.

¨It´s a new day, a new time.¨

The light grew brighter and chameleoned 

into coral, red and glad orange.

The fiery ball began to rise with proud protagonism,

while the silver-rose ray of light

slipped quietly, unobtrusively, into the background.

Her short work was done.

Yet she was content.

For I had heard her.

I had seen her promise and understood:

The much-anticipated season of Light

that will crush my Darkness

Starts with noticing...

the simple silver-rose ray.

¨But the way of the right(eous) is like the early morning light.

It shines brighter and brighter until the perfect day.¨ 

Proverbs 4:18

Photo by:  Sian Monument

FROZEN

I have stared at this picture for countless hours since Jenna left us.  It is the last family photo of us captured here on this earth, made priceless the day she died.  Our family seems frozen in time to me here.  When I think of our family, this is still the way I think of us...Five...our perfect number. 

In this photo, the love, the joy, even the hope that is captured here with our beautiful Jenna in the middle seem stopped in time.  It´s as if our ¨family clock¨ stopped that day.  This reminds me of the scene in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes where the old family clock was stopped at the death of the much loved Ruth.  This is apparently a Victorian tradition, done for reasons from respect to superstition  to a symbolic marking of how time stood still when their loved one died and a new period of existence started without time.

Time didn´t really seem to exist or have importance in the first period of time after Jenna died.  It is extremely frustrating and confusing to grieving people in general that life stubbornly seems to march on right in the face of your devastation.  You feel like shouting to the world, ¨Stop!  Don´t you realize I just lost my daughter?!  You can´t go on like this as if nothing ever happened!¨  Very slowly, you have to step back into the world in some ways (even though you may not want to) and even more slowly, you begin to engage in time-related events with others.  But time - and life - have changed forever and your heart and entire life and future are marked to prove it.  There is a clear and definitive before and after.

None of us can describe our family without Jenna.   We are still unsure of how to answer questions about our family when we meet someone new.  It seems both untrue & almost irreverent to say I only have 2 kids...Jenna is still so very real to me!  Yet here on this earth my reality is two.  For now, I tend to answer, ¨I have 3 children, one in heaven and 2 here.¨ I recently asked Jordan how he answers if someone asks about his siblings.  ¨It depends on who it is and how much I think they want to know, ¨ he said. It´s a very difficult position for all of us to be put in.  Jenna was ripped from the anchoring middle place of our family unit, destabilizing us forever.  We are all still struggling to accept this reality.  We are still unsure of who we really are as a family.

It´s inevitable and natural that family changes.  The kids move on, move out, grow up, start independent lives, new families - it happens.  I had already begun to experience that with both girls stateside at university.  But being ripped out?  That is different.  It is violent, traumatic, sad...we are still reeling some days, still adjusting, still struggling with our new number of four... Four!

So many days I look back longingly at our "frozen family."  The family we have known is captured whole in this precious moment.  I can still remember that day - the weather, the sound of laughter, the different positions we stood in, the dear friends we were with and their voices and clicking cameras.  It is stopped in time in my mind yet full of life and the present at the same time.

Although I cannot relive or restore this captured moment except in my mind, I do have this memory  to treasure.  This paradox of the juxtaposition of past and present is a tender reality I hold in trembling hands.  While in some ways still ¨frozen in time¨, thankfully, we are indeed very much alive.

This photo may always capture the essence of our family to us.  It will always be precious and irreplaceable.  It may always feel both past and present to our hearts...both are very much a part of us, infinitely important pieces of who we are.



Family picture by the lovely Becca Brown

  

I'LL BE WATCHIN' YOU...

We are really not sure if Jenna can see us or not but 

we often feel like she is a part of the cloud of witnesses cheering us on.

In your moments proud

on your biggest days

when your heart is heavy

yet you rise again

when your courage spurs

others on to good

when you celebrate loudly

or quietly love

when you cross a finish line

at your life events...

I'll be watchin' you.

When you love Him well

when you pour out your heart

when you whisper prayers

or bless with your art

when you fall in love

or you graduate

when you learn something new

or new vision create

when you live victorious

and of course, when you smile...

I'll be watchin' you.

When you write that book

when you dance on that stage

when you kick that goal

or a new nation engage

when you make a new friend

or forgive one that´s old
overcome a weakness

or cover someone´s cold

when you give ´til it hurts

and you love to the end...

I´ll be watchin´you.

When you cry for me

yet persevere

when you wonder and question

 but trust Him to be near 

When you rest in love

and choose to walk forward

when you follow your call

in spite of your sorrow
when you mourn honestly
yet look for the beauty...
I´ll be watchin´ you.

When you change the world

as you live bigger than I

when you blow others away

with a legacy 10 times mine

when you see me in yourself

and it brings a smile

yet you freely live as you
embracing that unique profile 

when you make Him relevant

and bring Him to the unloved...

I´ll be watchin´ you.

When you find ¨the one¨

who´s all you´ve dreamed

when you have your babies

and they look like me :)
when you carve out your life,
live adventures & dreams

when you love your new family
yet honor your old team
When there´s the gift to be together
sharing lessons & laughter...
I´ll be watchin´ you.

When you finish each season

and live each moment

full and rich it stands to reason
you draw closer to me, to all eternity

and when your yearning grows

and your story is told

When your work is done

and the witnesses´ cheer is bold

when you finish your race

and you cross through the veil...
Well,

I´ll be watchin´ you...

and waiting for you...

and hugging you...

and introducing you...

to your new eternal friends

to your new perfect home

and bringing you to the One

who loved you first and best.

And then we will live...

really live...

...happily ever after.

Photo by:  Jan Jespersen

MISSING HIS VOICE

Oh! how I miss Your voice!
I miss hearing your secrets,
hearing your insights,
even your warnings!

I sit and listen again but hear nothing.
The silence echoes & reverberates...
Sometimes it mocks me.
Sometimes it tells me it will always be like this from now on -
that pain & grief deafen your senses,
mess with your mind,
dull your abilities,
darken your capacity.

I hate to admit that in part it´s true...
That is many people´s experience.
But I am clear on this:
It will not always be this way!
It is a season.
And every season passes.
And every season has its beauty.

I used to hear Him easily...
Listening was my ¨go to¨ way to experience God.
His voice met me in various experiences & places;
I find myself lost without it!

Yet like a person struck suddenly deaf,
I am slowly learning to depend on other senses to a greater degree.
I am sharpening them as I learn to use them,
learning to compensate.
And I realize that I can experience God in so many ways!
He is not limited to my diminished senses
in this time of grief.
This is part of the beauty to be discovered in this season.

Certainly God is unlimited in His ability to communicate.
I am the one who is reaching out through human limitations,
through my wounded heart & senses,
asking Him to build my awareness,
asking Him to enhance my creativity in order to connect with Him.

So I open my heart -
to taste His goodness,
to touch His hem,
to smell His perfume...
soon enough I will hear Him,
Soon enough.
For now, the others are enough...
And they are beautiful.

But oh! How I miss His voice!



SOUND OF YOUR VOICE by Steven Curtis Chapman

Photo by:  Tangent Artifact