On Jordan´s birthday in April, I rode a roller coaster with he and his friends.
And that, my friends, is the visual of our life of late.
Up and down, slow then fast, curves and long climbs, heart leaps & flops, scary & exciting all at the same time.
Except that I didn´t pay for this ride. Or wait in line for it. Or even want to get on it.
I am stuck on it.
Last year at our town´s fair I got on a ride with Jordan that I regretted: the Viking Ship. When I was younger I could do any ride at all, no problem. But for some reason I don´t seem to have the same tolerance for those things. That ride started and at first it was fun...but then it kept going...and going...and going. It literally would not stop. I started feeling so sick and I couldn´t wait to get off! Our town´s fair is next weekend...and I will NOT be getting on the Viking this year!
I´m glad I have that choice.
This cancer journey has definitely been like a roller coaster in many ways. Except that none of us chose to get on. Lately we have been up and down so many hills it´s dizzying. Your emotions get all flopped around. You´re up one day and down the next. There´s a successful climb & exciting view and then there´s a plummeting to the depths. Or sometimes some of us are down while others are still at the top and the varying emotions are conflicting. One thing we all agree on: this ride is VERY long. Way too long. And we would all like to get off.
We have viewed this journey in 4 stages: big surgery, recovery. chemo, then more recovery. We just never thought recovery after surgery would ever get so complicated and delay chemo (and thus the end) so long. We knew she would lose weight but had no idea how difficult it would be to regain it. We heard her body had to readjust and learn to re-eat again but had no idea how much pain and vomiting and perseverance it would involve. We heard you have to advocate for the patient but had no idea how exhausting that would be. We heard there would be good days and bad days - but until you experience them, you really have NO idea.
No two people´s cancer journeys are the same. And no family can ever be ready for a young person´s illness, can they? We certainly weren´t. But her surgery was February 3rd. That was more than 3 months ago! And after weeks of struggling to eat by mouth, she is finally on the NG tube getting extra nutrition. It took us a long time to get to this point. Now 2 weeks later, we had a great 2 kilo weight gain and then with this week´s vomiting, have lost it all again.
We´re strapped in and stuck here and have to stay on til the train stops. Some days I want to scream for this train to stop. But the Conductor must make that call. He must bring us to the end of this journey. He must remove the security restraints. He has to be the One to let us off.
Until then we ask daily for perseverance, endurance and patience. We battle against places of discomfort, discouragement & fear. We thank God for those who hold up our weary arms. We fight to stick together.
It´s a good thing the Conductor is my Good Shepherd. Because I would have Houdini´ed my way out of that belt and jumped off a long time ago!
I´m glad this ¨ride¨ is in His hands.
Thanks for hanging with us.
Photo by: TJ Scott