There are a lot of faith questions on a journey like this.
I´m ok with questions. It´s the fact that as time passes, I have more & more of them and no answers!
Sometimes I get tired of that. Some days I just want answers.
I have questions mostly about believing for miracles. Having faith - or maintaining it - sometimes feels like an effort. I don´t know that it´s supposed to feel like that. But to keep believing steadfastly for something - like healing - takes mental & spiritual discipline for me and if it doesn´t happen I feel a let down. And let´s face it, none of us want to be let down. I want to have faith but I also want to be peaceful. We´ve been asking for a long time for healing for Jenna. Lots of people have asked on her behalf. Multiple times. With mustard-seed faith or huge faith, charismatic and non-charismatic, strangers and dear friends, people who have lived miracles and people who still hope to...they have all asked.
I have been all over the map. Some days I´m in the ¨Name it and claim it!¨ mode and other days the ¨If it be Your will, Lord...¨. Sometimes I proclaim healing over her and other days I just rest & ask quietly for grace to walk it out another day. Sometimes I battle with spiritual forces and other times I let the rest of you do it.
I believe He can...I´m just not sure He will. I cannot pretend to know the mind of God. But you know what? I´m ok with that - really. As long as His presence goes with me, I will go anywhere - even through suffering...even without miracles.
But I still have this nagging question in the back of my mind: why is it that in the NT, everyone who is recorded as coming to Jesus for healing is healed? We have certainly come to Him (like lots of other people in need). It seems so simple when I read it. It seems so simple that I believe it. Yet I seem caught somewhere between teachings of the widow & the judge and issues of perseverance in prayer, the unbelieving disciples who didn´t see healing because of their lack of faith and those in the crowds who weren´t healed because Jesus focused on others by the road, in trees, by boats, in homes and other ordinary places. He listened to the Father, aligned Himself with His will & performed miracles accordingly. But what does this mean for Jenna?
I identify with the sick boy´s father when he cried out, ¨I do believe; help my unbelief!¨ (Mk. 9:24) or with Martha when she said, ¨Lord, if you had been here, our brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.¨ (Jn. 11:21,22) I DO believe, I just don´t understand the outcomes right now.
I would love a chance to step out of the boat & see healing.
Will I get the chance?
In the meantime, He is whispering things in my ear...things like, do you see the miracle of joy in your home in spite of the hardship? Do you see the miracle of grace & unexplained strength in your daughter during some terrible days & weeks & months? Did you notice the happiness & encouragement brought through the community around you through gifts, meals, time, notes, flowers, favors and untold hours in prayer? Do you see the miracles around you every day?
Yes, Lord, I do. I see them. And I treasure them. Please help me not to condition how you answer our prayers, to set up hopes for something that may not be Your perfect plan. Help me to ask & believe with discernment but leave the results up to You. If You are both sovereign and good, all is well. Whatever answer You give is in Jenna´s best interest. Even if it´s suffering. Even if there are medical mistakes. Even if we don´t understand. Even if some keep insisting there will be physical healing...and we don´t see it.
Faith questions are coming down to this: I just want Him. More than miracles, more than healing, more than a story. I really only need His presence...
...and that´s really all she needs, too.
photo by: Charles Nadeau