Monday, May 4, 2015


Loss has left me bereft of love -
Or so it seems.
Not for her - my heart aches for her -
but of love for others.

It seems I have lost my capacity to love
And I am so distressed!
There is no energy, no passion,
no motivation, no will power.
I desire - yet cannot - comprehend my friends´ problems
or my neighbors´ chatting.
I so want to care!
But there is no room, no place to put
the concerns of anyone else...
All my love spaces, my concerned places,
my rooms of compassion, the shared sanctums of my heart,
are full of grief.
They are too full to hold more.

So I sit at coffee listening like a tomb
to my dearest of friends.
I cannot understand her sharing -
Today it is a foreign language.
My brain defensively blocks her out,
subconsciously setting a protective limit for me.
I fight against it & try to refocus -
But I have no memory of what she just said.
I am undone by my own guilt & dysfunction -
I want to engage...but cannot.

Later I am in the stands at my son´s soccer game,
surrounded by other parents who happily chat.
I am overwhelmed by their loudness,
by their superficial talk.
It reverberates in my head like a migraine.
I say enough to let them know I´m there
But not enough to engage or truly ¨be present."
This outing exhausts me.

What is wrong?
I try to get out, for instinctively I know I need to.
Yet it takes a colossal effort to enter in.
I am painfully aware 
Of the inadequacies of my heart,
of my own impotence to wrap my arms around any more
than what they already carry.

Oh to be able to bear the burden of love!
Oh that love would be weightless!
Oh to find joy in listening intently!
Or laughing loudly or chatting with friendliness!

Some friends say I must be
"kind to myself, patient"
But today I am impatient with my weariness!
Impatient with my frailty around others.
I don't care or don't want to care or can't care
because of this emotional love-depletion.
I find myself just trying to survive the day.

Oh! Author of love!
Please hasten the day
when my heart,
carved up by grief & then healing,
has slowly drained some of its sadness,
& expanded in its capacity to give again...
To love again,
to care again,
naturally & unfeigned.
Love will be back -
sweeter & deeper than before.

The Love Author Himself whispers to me:
"Be kind & patient with yourself as I am.
I am with you & am guiding your journey.
You are on schedule."

I breathe a sigh of relief.
I am human.
I will love again.

Where did the love go?

It´s just very busy holding me for a little while -
it will soon be back.

Photo by:  Kiz BadArt Team

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  1. This sounds like burnout. And notwithstanding the profound and multidimensional grief, burnout makes perfect sense after the very intense year of care giving and loss you (magnificently) endured last year.

  2. This is so beautifully written, though my teary eyes responded to your pain through these words. Some things that I found life-giving is that you still have desire, "I so want to care," and hope, "Love will be back, sweeter and deeper than before." Like a butterfly in a chrysalis, this is time for you to receive His love for you...and receive...and receive. You will be loving others as you receive. I feel like even these posts of your words are loving others. Thank you for being you and allowing us to see how God meets you in this. It encourages us to trust Him in the hard. Alicia H x

  3. I know what it feels like when your capacity to "engage" seems empty. Just like your words are flowing again, so will the love. Let your loving family and friends talk and be patient while you listen at whatever level feels right for you. You will get there, Pam.

  4. There are no "shoulds" allowed on this journey back to health, only "could". And if your body and mind are telling you that it's too much, then listen. I've been there. Keep listening and follow the nudges for what feels good. ... the rest, try to let go of for this season. And find nurturing ways to show love to self. It may take longer than you want - just drop the timeline of expectations.

  5. I am glad you are continuing to write and express your thoughts and feelings... you are able to put many indescribable feelings into words in a beautiful way, and it helps to read what you are going through, as many of us experience similar feelings regarding the loss of loved ones, and of Jenna in particular. Keep sharing as you feel led to; you will always have the interest and support of friends around the world as you allow us to peek beyond the superficial into the deeper parts of your life. With love and prayers for you and your family.

  6. Sometimes we read about others who have experienced great loss in their family, but most of us who are on this journey with you, Pam, have not had this happen to us. We sense your deep sadness and try to fill up the emptiness with tales of our own, light-hearted words, and expressions of comfort. What do we know? Who are we to comfort you? Forgive us for our unhelpful comments. We will pray for you, offer our unfailing loyalty, and patiently wait for love to grow in you again.

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  8. Hi Pam,
    We have been praying for you as a family and still do it. Today I wanted to send you a song that has been a consolation to me in very dark times. May God bless you and your family in a very special way. Greetings from Germany (antes Alhaurin de la Torre)
    The Keppler family.