WHERE DID THE LOVE GO?

Loss has left me bereft of love -

Or so it seems.

Not for her - my heart aches for her -

but of love for others.

It seems I have lost my capacity to love

And I am so distressed!

There is no energy, no passion,

no motivation, no will power.

I desire - yet cannot - comprehend my friends´ problems

or my neighbors´ chatting.

I so want to care!

But there is no room, no place to put

the concerns of anyone else...

All my love spaces, my concerned places,

my rooms of compassion, the shared sanctums of my heart,

are full of grief.

They are too full to hold more.

So I sit at coffee listening like a tomb

to my dearest of friends.

I cannot understand her sharing -

Today it is a foreign language.

My brain defensively blocks her out,

subconsciously setting a protective limit for me.

I fight against it & try to refocus -

But I have no memory of what she just said.

I am undone by my own guilt & dysfunction -

I want to engage...but cannot.

Later I am in the stands at my son´s soccer game,

surrounded by other parents who happily chat.

I am overwhelmed by their loudness,

by their superficial talk.

It reverberates in my head like a migraine.

I say enough to let them know I´m there

But not enough to engage or truly ¨be present."

This outing exhausts me.

What is wrong?

I try to get out, for instinctively I know I need to.

Yet it takes a colossal effort to enter in.

I am painfully aware 

Of the inadequacies of my heart,

of my own impotence to wrap my arms around any more

than what they already carry.

Oh to be able to bear the burden of love!

Oh that love would be weightless!

Oh to find joy in listening intently!

Or laughing loudly or chatting with friendliness!

Some friends say I must be
"kind to myself, patient"
But today I am impatient with my weariness!
Impatient with my frailty around others.
I don't care or don't want to care or can't care
because of this emotional love-depletion.
I find myself just trying to survive the day.

Oh! Author of love!

Please hasten the day

when my heart,

carved up by grief & then healing,
has slowly drained some of its sadness,

& expanded in its capacity to give again...

To love again,

to care again,
naturally & unfeigned.

Love will be back -

sweeter & deeper than before.

The Love Author Himself whispers to me:
"Be kind & patient with yourself as I am.
I am with you & am guiding your journey.
You are on schedule."

I breathe a sigh of relief.
I am human.
I will love again.

Where did the love go?

It´s just very busy holding me for a little while -

it will soon be back.

Photo by:  Kiz BadArt Team

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