THE CANCER THING

Ok.  So we´ve been at this cancer thing for a couple months now.
Are we doing it better?  Nope.
Are we living in victory & anxious to tell about it?  No.
Are we bonding like never before as a family & responding in the Spirit to one another?  Not exactly.
Do we love serving each other & do it without complaining?  Sometimes.
Have we gotten over the habit of talking about it too much?  Nope.
Have we stopped reacting inside when people ask us the same questions every day?  Hmmmm.
Do we live within peaceful limits and self-care boundaries?  Hardly.
Are we remembering to have fun?  Not so much.
Is Jenna better?  Not sure.
Has Jenna accepted her protagonism in this drama?  Not really.
Have I fallen in love with advocating all the time at the hospital?  I hate that!
Do we have a richer, healthier marriage because of this difficult time?  I wouldn´t call it that.

Cancer brings a lot of stress.
To every member of the family.
It takes over conversations, energy, time, work, friendships, your prayer life and well, basically,
everything.
It is not fun.
It is not easy.
We did not ask for it.
I don´t see God´s wonderful plan in it (yet).
I am tired all the time (and so is everyone else).
I don´t think any of us feel more mature.
I feel disconnected with my friends.
I feel like I have no energy for my son.
My husband and I have a hard time making decisions about work with all this in the forefront.

I wish I could be more positive today.
I wish I could tell you that Jenna just spent two weeks in the hospital and that she gained 5 kilos, there´s a glow back in her cheeks and she has energy to read & see friends & draw & pursue things she loves, but I can´t.
She just spent two weeks in the hospital to gain weight and didn´t!
She´s supposed to ¨get stronger¨ before chemo and now they are pushing it down our throats, saying they can´t wait any longer!
I wish I could tell you that we´re feeling more confident about heading into the challenges of chemo.
I wish I could say we love her endocrinologist and oncologist.
I wish....a lot of things.

But today I mostly wish I could hide from the pressure, the uncertainties, the unanswered questions.
I see her struggle with the stress that is on her to eat, to count every calorie, to gain weight and it breaks my heart.  Eating used to be fun.  Eating used to be satisfying.  Eating used to be pain-free.

Life has been changed forever.

I see our family struggle to adjust to new realities, different routines, weary bodies & shorter tempers.
We have a 20 year-old and a 22 year-old who wish they could be out living their lives and are back under their parents´ roof.
We have a 12 year-old that enjoyed being the central focus as an ¨only child¨ and who is now the ¨baby¨ of the family again.
We are parents of 3 kids at home again but it is all so weird...

We are also parents of someone fighting for their life.
We´ve never done this before.
But we are all fighting with her.
It is right to do so.
We want to do so.
We would not want to do anything else right now.
But every day is a challenge.
For each one of us.

Is God with us?  Yes.
Is He giving blessing each day amidst this madness?  Yes!
Do we believe tomorrow could hold a much prayed-for miracle?  Yes.
Are we aware of answers to many prayers? Yes.

This, all of these things- and more - represent ¨The Cancer Thing¨ that we do now.
We do it every day.
We will keep doing it every day until she is cancer-free.
Until we bring her home and say ¨No More.¨
Until we stand before Him and say ¨Thank You that we´re done,¨ ¨Thank You for healing,¨ ¨Thank You for being with us through this valley.¨
This ¨Cancer Thing¨ will someday be history for us - and then we will comfort someone else.


Photo by:  joshuaBENTLEY