IF SHE HAD LIVED

It´s crazy to even think about this. 

But for whatever reason I have been 

thinking about it. I do not mean to 

¨saint-ify¨ her in her death

but these are my musings...

First of all, if she had lived, it would have been because she received a miracle.
And with that miracle, she would never have been the same.
She would burst with joy to have a new chance at life,
to be with those she loved,
and to continue developing her passions.
She would have lived gratefully and fully.
I know He could have trusted her to hold a miracle with honor & humility.

If she had lived, I think there would have been a certain amount of drama.
People would have wanted to see her, talk to her, see her scars (if they were still there).
Others might have wanted to interview her, she might have travelled, she might have been given amazing opportunities to speak of the power and love of God.
But the best thing?  Seeing those who previously didn´t believe, actually believe.
She would have loved that.
If she had lived.

And after things calmed down & the celebrations slowed,
Real life would have begun again.
But it would look different...

If she had lived, she would have graduated with honors.
She would have begun making plans to return to the Middle East,
perhaps first getting her Masters in Paris where she had dreamed of going.
She would have studied Arabic.
She would have lived a deep spirituality with a vibrant faith.
She would have loved her family even more richly & not taken for granted the extra days given to us.
She would have laughed & prayed & talked with her friends & told them about what God had done.
Then she would have thrown herself into her life work:
restoring justice to hurting Syrian refugees.

If she had lived, our family would be different.
We would not have grieved; we would have celebrated.
We would not have lived in darkness; we would have experienced a great light.
We would not have wavered in our theology,
We would not have lost our energy & joy for a long time,
Our kids would not be questioning God´s goodness or His reality,
They would be reveling in a personal God of love & power.
Oh! if she had lived!

If she had lived, she would have passionately urged her generation to follow God.
She would have urged them to live for something bigger than themselves
and to join causes that mattered around the globe.
She would have led them to seek the One of crazy, passionate love for youth
and have helped strategize on how to make Him relevant.
If she had lived, she would have changed the minds of many dubious about millennials.

If she had lived, she would have loved her siblings furiously and talked with them late into the night about all that was on their minds.
As the eldest, she would have pioneered a path of faith, excellence in life work, passion in relationships, being genuine with your heart and expressing yourself in honest, thoughtful & artful ways.
She would have cheered them on like crazy & given them a kick in the butt if they had needed it.
Oh! If she had lived!

If she had lived, maybe she and I would have written a book together.
If she had lived,  she would have gone on many more adventures & travels with her father.
If she had lived, her friends would be deliriously happy & they would move heaven & earth to find their next rendez-vous point.
If she had lived, our whole neighborhood would be different! All of the kids´ schools would be different! The hospital would be different! Our lives would be different!
Oh! If she had lived!

If she had lived, in time, she would have met the most amazing human being.
He would have loved her like a queen.
She would have loved him with all of her passion & creativity & commitment.
Together they would have been world-changers.
Her siblings would have been jealous, in awe and over-the-moon happy for her.
They would raise beautiful Mother Teresas and Nelson Mandelas.
All would have been as it should be.

But life is not always ¨as it should be.¨

As God would have it, she didn´t live.
And now EVERYTHING is different.
Everything.

Just not the kind of different written above.

If she had lived,
we would not have received God´s comfort for our mourning.
If she had lived,
we would not have lived the amazing kindnesses of community.
If she had lived,
I would not have believed beauty could come from ashes.
If she had lived,
there would be no perfume of suffering in our lives.
If she had lived,
there would be way fewer honest wrestlings with God about faith.
If she had lived,
we would not have learned about deep places & their significance for our lives.
If she had lived,
I would have nothing to say to others grieving.
If she had lived,
I would not know God who I know Him to be today.

If she had lived...
a million unseen things would not have occurred in the kingdom of God.
If she had lived...
a million untold things for the future would be left untold.
If she had lived...
Oh! if she had lived!







Photo by: Angela Marie Henriette