THEIRS TO WALK

I´ve been trying to lay them down.
But I´ve been ever so hesitant.
Today this insight burst into my consciousness:
¨You don´t trust Me with them.¨
And I realized with sadness, it´s true.

One is already gone.
And I have fought day & night
for the well-being & healing of these other two.
I have implored Him with tears many times
for a protection over their faith during this difficult time.
But their faith is sabotaged right now.
And so my trust is hesitant.

I remind myself:
I cannot walk their journey for them.
It is theirs to walk.

My mind is littered with stories of friends´ kids
who are who-knows-where.
Why should my fate be any different from theirs?
These are very hard times to walk out faith even under the best of circumstances -
and mine have walked through so much loss.
They have every right to ask questions, to come to different conclusions,
to personalize what they will believe.
Their journey is their own.


I am walking a very raw moment in parenting...
loving them as always yet without God in the middle.
For they want me, they want their father -
But they are unsure about God.
It´s ok, I think; it´s part of their process.
But it is so very hard on this believing mother.

I cannot walk their journey for them.
It is theirs to walk.

I feel unsure of how to seek intimacy & engagement with them
without the most important part of me.
I talk about my faith but I try to be sensitive to where they are.
How can I encourage them or help them or counsel them
without Him in between us?
I just don´t know another way...
Please show me the way.

I know in my head this is not my fault
But I can´t help but feel sad that they couldn´t see enough of his wonder in me
to be captivated for a lifetime.
That they didn´t see enough of his goodness in me
to hold onto in their darkest hour.
That they didn´t see enough truth
to be convinced forever.
That they didn´t experience enough agape
to be completely sure & safe with him.
That they didn´t see, hear, perceive, or experience enough convincing faith
to be determinedly following hard after him.
Or that maybe they didn´t see enough comfort & healing in me
to believe that there is enough for them, too.
Oh! how my heart aches!

I keep telling myself:
I cannot walk their journey for them.
It is theirs to walk.
Today this is not helpful.

My own journey today
begins with entrusting them again to God.
For my own faith has been damaged by hard realities, too.
There are places in me which hold doubt.
It looks different than theirs, much different.
But just as no one can walk my spiritual journey or my grief journey for me,
So I cannot walk theirs.

I tell myself again:
I cannot walk their journey for them.
I am also telling myself:
Their journey is not about me, it is about them.

Help me, O God,
to find family unity in the middle of this.
Help us to find love, to find our new selves in all our brokenness,
in all our wanderings & wonderings
to hold on to each other.
For these kids of mine?
They are so worth it.

I cannot walk their journey for them.
It is theirs to walk.
But if they want, I will walk alongside them.





Photo by: ClaraDon